WHAT'S WITH THESE VOICES IN MY HEAD?
23 NOVEMBER 2021 (12 MIN READ)
Contrary to the connotations of the title, this article will not be focusing on schizophrenia. Rather, it will tackle the reality behind the differing voices in our head, especially the ones that bully us throughout the day. And the more we listen to that bully, the more our self-worth deteriorates, transforming our mind into our own prison. To open the cell door and break free, we must attempt to recognize where these voices come from. Surprisingly, you will find the source in an unexpected place—almost always outside of yourself. As the great philosopher Alain de Botton says, “All inner voices used to be outer voices.” In other words, if you have a tyrannical voice in you that creates a dreadful sense of shame, that voice was once someone else—usually a parent or authority figure in your life. Our true voice, or our spirit, is one of pure love and joy. But the evil in the world coats it in tar from a young age, which then becomes our responsibility to clean out throughout adulthood. It took me a long time to realize this painful truth, but the way I got there was the moment my life changed for the better.
At a pool party this summer, someone offered me psilocybin-infused chocolates, which I kindly accepted. I had only one experience with mushrooms before this, which helped me get in touch with myself and see where the true source of my pain was residing: my victim mentality. That realization shaped the trajectory of my healing journey for about a year, and I would not be where I am now without it. Expecting the same paradigm-shifting realization, I quickly ingested the chocolate, placing myself back on the tanning chair and calmly waiting for the change in consciousness to take place. About two hours later, wanting to find some truth in silence, I wandered off to a quiet area and simply sat in stillness. Without searching for it, a powerful morsel of truth presented itself: my father’s voice telling me to be perfect. The voice said, “You should be working right now so you can be the best. You’re a lazy piece of fucking shit.” I usually tell myself this in my own voice, but this time, the voice was my father’s, leading me to understand that this internal bully was never me. Although my father never verbally abused me and never told me those exact words, his silent attitude communicated that to me. I only received extreme love and recognition from him when I achieved something impossible, making me judge myself whenever I was residing within the realm of possible. And, that’s because that is the way he spoke to himself for so long—verbally abusing himself to push himself to dominate and be the best. Whatever negative way a parent talks to themselves ultimately gets pushed onto their kids, leading children to live with the bitter end of their parents’ undealt with shadows.
By digging into my father’s voice more, I realized what was causing so much shame in me: that voice had informed me that I would never be seen as worthy unless I pushed myself to extremes. It never allowed me to comfortably relax or find peace in the little things. Satisfaction only came through domination, allowing my ego to run rampant. Thus, it was incredibly refreshing to realize the voice wasn’t even mine. The pure, egoless voice that came out of me was one of complete love and understanding. I heard its delicate whisper and finally understood which voice I had to listen to: the one of my higher self—aka the divine within me. With this newfound awareness, my relationship with work and life vastly changed for the better. I no longer worked for the reason of being the best or proving myself to the world. Rather, it came from a place of childlike wonder and love for being of service to others. In other words, it came from a place of my spirit, not inherited trauma. And when my father’s voice enters my mental space, I shower it with love and understanding. I feel empathy for my father as a child, who was not accepted by his parents unless he was the absolute best. The more I tap into this empathetic love, the more his voice loses power in my mind. A powerful life coach once told me, “what you resist persists,” and no words could ever be more true. If you resist painful mental loops through covering them in repressive anger and shame, they will begin to dominate you. But if you willfully sit with a charged thought and listen to what it truly needs—usually love—you win the battle.
The rest of this article will lay out how to deal with the damaging voices in your head and use them to find essential truths within yourself.
IDENTIFY
It shouldn’t take a psychedelic experience to allow you to identify where the negative voices in your head stem from. So, please hold off on going down that rabbit hole if you feel like it’s the only way you can get there. Better than hallucinogens, is a miracle drug I like to call awareness, which can lead you to the root of any issue in your life. In terms of your negative voices, I invite you to think of the worst sides of your parents and how that affected you. Did they try to shape you into someone that went against your nature? Did they expect things of you that they did not expect in themselves? Whatever the case may be, pay attention to if what they once said to you is now something you repeatedly say to yourself. To test this, think of when you felt the most vulnerable as a kid and the voices that contributed to that feeling. And then see if those voices still exist in your mind today. For me, it was sitting at the back of a borderline special education class with teachers calling me dumb, and then going home to parents who refused to address the severity of the situation, opting for harrowing looks of disappointment instead.
Now, in moments where I am doubted or my intelligence is under scrutiny, I get emotionally transported to that place as a child, and the external voices that shot me like bullets are now internalized voices as an adult. The teacher once telling me that I was stupid and my father revealing his disappointment became me telling myself that I’m dumb as well as feeling shameful disappointment. By doing this exercise of awareness, I realized that my internal bullies are actually my teachers’ and father’s expectations, not my own. Knowing that these voices do not stem from me, it becomes much easier to not allow them to take over my state of mind. And that’s because it is easier to stand up to a bully than to stand up to yourself. Although this is a massive step to take, it’s only the first one. There are three more to master before you can comfortably live with these uncomfortable voices in your head.
ADDRESS
Now that you have found the root of the issue—where the negative voices are stemming from—it’s time to address what part of you still believes their narrative. Let’s say you were bullied for your weight as an adolescent, but now you’re in good shape. However, you still find yourself being highly critical of the way you look no matter how lean you get. Why do you still follow this narrative if it’s no longer true? It’s as if you’re watching Pinocchio and you still think it’s Cinderella. Two different fucking realities. I believe the reason we choose to still believe the dated stories of our bullies is that we have not done the inner child work. To show you why I believe this, consider my story:
Growing up, I had a distant mother who didn’t show me as much love as I needed. I do not blame her as she didn't know any better. Nevertheless, I grew up believing that I was never worthy of feminine love. Adding fuel to the fire, girls in elementary school would call me a disgusting ball because I was fat and had severe eczema. Later on in life, I became physically attractive and charming, winning over the affection of many beautiful women, but I never felt like I was worthy of it. This insecurity led me to constantly think the person I was dating would leave me over tiny things. The minute they took too long to answer a text, I would immediately think they did not love me anymore. In reality, none of this was true, but it felt so fucking real. For the credit it gets, logic does a pretty terrible job of healing your emotions. Those motherfuckers have to be freely expressed, rather than hiding behind mere words.
All of this started changing when I developed a relationship with my inner child. Whenever a romantic situation would trigger me, I would find my inner child, hold his hand, and ask him what was wrong. He would then take me to my mother, metaphorically turning her back on him and making him feel like he was always doing something wrong. I cried with him for months, expressing the grief he was forced to repress for so long. The more I got into this practice, the more I stepped into my adult self and saw myself as truly worthy of love. This does not mean my inner child work is done. Although it is much less frequent, from time to time I get triggered in my relationship and have to hold his hand once again. Any time a childhood trigger arises, it boils down to your younger self needing you to hold them while they cry. The more grief that the inner child is allowed to express without judgment, the less they will try to control your daily life. Your inner child needs to feel safe with you, or else they will feel danger whenever a charged situation from the past presents itself, translating to your central nervous system activating and disallowing your brain to control impulsive thinking.
Going back to the main point of addressing internal voices, you cannot think your way out of harmful mental loops that stem from external bullies. You have to empathize with the person who experienced the painful bullying, and that person is your younger self. Once you have properly expressed this pain, you are less likely to believe the negative voices in your head—mainly because your inner child will feel safe, so then you can properly reason with them. However, the job is not done here, this is only a prerequisite for the life-changing work ahead.
ALTER
By learning how to address the negative voices, you are now at a place where you can hear your internal bully, deem them as irrational, and not get emotionally triggered. Although this seems like more than enough for yourself, it can be taken even further. And trust me, you want to go further. Instead of just observing the internal bully and letting their words pass by—immediately label where the voice stems from. If you still do not know how to do this, revisit the section called “Identify.” The goal is to identify where the voice is stemming from as fast as possible. Ideally, the minute that bully speaks, you can see that it comes from your father, for example. Now, once you are quick at identifying the perpetrator—I want you to repeat the thought in their voice. So if your grandfather used to repeatedly call you a lazy piece of shit—when you call yourself a lazy piece of shit, repeat the phrase in your mind in your grandfather’s voice. Do this every fucking time that bully comes up. And by repeating their phrases in their own voice over and over again, they will automatically start to come into your mind as their voice. Thus, instead of hearing yourself say, “you’re fat,” you will now hear that in the voice of that bully. This discrepancy is monumentally important because it will build up your self-worth. Since you are no longer bullying yourself in YOUR voice, you will have more love for yourself. Furthermore, you will be able to stand up to the bullies you never could as a child, holding your younger self’s hand throughout the process.
FOLLOW
Welcome to the last step. Unfortunately, this is the hardest level and will require your arduous effort every day to see any results. Once you start hearing your negative voices as other people, they will start to lose their power over you. However, the point of this is not to be free of those voices, rather, it is to sift through your internal clutter and find the voice of the higher self—aka the divine. This voice is free from ego and full of love—with the best intentions—showing you the way towards a better life. This is the voice that tells you to forgive when all you want to do is be enraged with someone. This is the voice telling you to stop drinking and sit with your emotions. This is the voice compassionately telling you to stop watching porn. And most importantly, this is the voice guiding you towards paths that lead to your highest purpose. The lower self, aka the ego, or the devil, will constantly attempt to take you away from that path towards goodness. Think of the serpent in the Garden of Eden, seducing the minds of the children of God through egoistic temptations. But if you learn to differentiate the voices of the ego, and learn to listen to that of the divine, you will be more likely to turn the devil down. And that’s because when every voice sounds and feels the same in our heads, we are much more likely to ignore our voice of reason and follow that seductive serpent.
In terms of energetics, if you are having trouble differentiating what the voice of the higher self is, feel what resonates with your heart, versus your loins or a pit in your stomach. If a thought, such as forgiving someone, makes your heart warm up, then that’s the voice of your higher self. In contrast, thinking of sending someone a manipulative, mean message may activate that pit in your stomach or a mental feeling of superiority, which are feelings of the lower self. So, pay attention to the energetic placement of each thought, and find what areas seem to be correlated with the thoughts that have your best interest at heart.
