HOW TO DEAL WITH SHAME
7 DECEMBER 2021 (10 MIN READ)
Shame, we all feel it on a daily basis, but we’re pretty fucking terrible at dealing with it. Some are addicted to shaming themselves as a way to stay motivated. Some refuse to do anything meaningful in life because they constantly bathe in their own shame. And most popularly—when those big shameful moments of our past arise in our brains, we all tend to repress the thought and continue living our lives. We feel the immediate charge of shame when that memory arises, and out of fear, we close the door and refuse to look inside. But what lives inside is the energy that has to get released. Behind shame exists a lot of anger at ourselves, and a harrowing feeling that we are not seen for all that we are. By bringing the moment that caused shame to light, expressing it to others, and allowing the energy to get released, we gradually stop feeling that charged energy that can break us out of the present moment. At its core, I believe shame is an invitation to forgive ourselves and connect with others over a painful experience. And if we refuse this invitation, we start traveling down the road of self-deprecation and isolation. To show you real-life evidence of this, consider two stories of how shame dictated my life and how I got past its authoritarian rule.
As men, we tend to suffer in silence, as we have been raised to suppress our tears and stay strong. This leads us to feel ashamed of our sadness, which then leads to the common solution to shame: repression. But the problem with repressing emotions is that they only get stronger, leading you to repress until you no longer can. I was so fucking ashamed of my depression and anxiety that I refused to look at it in the eye, because I did not want to be that little bitch that society told me I was if I did that. But one day I had to look because the only other option was killing myself. At that moment, I understood that if I did not deal with these negative emotions, I would not be here anymore. I thank God every day that He pushed me to make that decision and gave me a second chance. Since that day, I have not looked back, facing whatever negative emotion comes my way with vigorous resilience—because I have experienced what occurs if I do not do that: repression leading to immense depression. I am no longer ashamed of any negative emotion I experience because I am fucking human. What helped me stop feeling ashamed was going to therapy and opening up to close friends and family, who handed me the support I needed to tackle the tough new road I had to walk down. Even better, I started writing about my experiences with depression in vivid detail, making sure the world knows that I am a man who does not feel any fucking shame for the negative feelings I face. And, hopefully, giving inspiration to other men to talk about their depression. Personal darkness has a beautiful ability to turn into light, but if we never allow ourselves to accept that challenge, then that darkness will take over any remnant of light we have in ourselves.
As a kid, I sexually experimented with some other kids who were male. When my parents found out about it, they just swept it under the rug and refused to acknowledge its existence. So, like any kid, I followed my parents’ lead and swept it under the rug. However, as I grew older, any time the experience came to my mind, I started feeling sick to my stomach. I felt ashamed that I could be gay. I felt ashamed that I was a sexual delinquent. I felt ashamed of my genitals. And, of course, I just felt ashamed of myself overall. These feelings plagued my existence till I was around seventeen and I could not take it anymore. I finally told a therapist and she made me feel so seen, as well as accepted. She emphasized how it’s a very normal thing for kids to experience and I should feel no shame about it. Although this provided some mental and emotional release, it was not enough. I still felt shame surrounding my sexuality. I still felt like a pervert. Whenever I entered a sexual situation with a female, I would immediately feel that shame and panic, leading me to finish way too fast, and then feel further ashamed of myself. I was merely a massive pile of shame existing in a human body. This all changed when I read David Goggins’ book Can’t Hurt Me, where he discusses the concept of “the billboard.” He thinks that all humans should be ok with having a billboard in a highly populated area stating the “worst” things they have done in life. He believes this is necessary because to fully accept ourselves we have to own EVERYTHING, meaning that we should not hide anything from the world or ourselves. Since that day, I started opening up more about what I experienced as a kid and I lost about a million pounds of emotional weight. Here I am now sharing this “shameful” experience with the world, and it feels really fucking good. I feel like I’m at the top of a skyscraper in New York, planting my billboard and yelling “I DON’T GIVE A FUCK WHAT YOU THINK. THIS IS ME!”
Allow light to coat the darkness in you. And that light is internal and external acceptance.
INTERNAL ACCEPTANCE
Whatever thought you want to push away the most is the one that needs the most attention, because the more you run away, the more it chases you. And every time you repress that thought with shame, the more charged it becomes with negative emotion, gradually increasing the level of panic it comes with in the future. To combat this habit, look at the thought dead in the eyes and feel the visceral emotions it comes with. DO NOT RUN AWAY. Next, get curious and ask yourself why you feel so ashamed of the thought. For me, I did not want to accept that I was depressed and hated myself, and in terms of the sexual trauma, I did not want to own that I saw myself as a sexual deviant. You cannot change what you do not accept, so it is imperative to own whatever it is that you are running from. Once you see the root of the issue, you must lather it with deep compassion and love. I had to mentally hold that kid who felt so ashamed of himself and tell him everything was ok now. I had to become the parent that I did not have back then—one who helped that kid accept what had happened and hold his hand through the emotionally painful process. In terms of the depression, I was scared of being seen as feminine. More specifically, I was petrified of not being an alpha male and not having everyone fear me. Again, to deal with this, I held that kid who needed to be perfectly strong for his father all the time, and I helped him release that pressure in the form of screaming and crying. I witnessed my inner child express his emotions to a strong man (me) and did not judge him for that at all. He felt liberated and free, and in turn, I did as well.
Overall, you must accept the pain causing your shame and do your best to not judge it or push it away, opting instead to feel the emotions and witness them with love.
EXTERNAL ACCEPTANCE
Now that you have owned that shame inside of you and are no longer scared of it, it’s time to share it with the world. I used to be under the impression that you can only heal alone—that whatever battles you are facing are yours to face, because you can only save yourself at the end of the day. I thought that the less you depend on people the more powerful you become. Although I was right in many ways and my political philosophy still revolves around individualism, I was deeply wrong about two main things. One, we need to admit when we need support (NOT help) to make personal change. And two, real healing occurs when we are witnessed for all that we are. In terms of the first point, we cannot expect to know all the answers in life, but our egos always want to tell us that we can because they hate losing control. And asking for support is the epitome of surrendering, which entails accepting that you no longer have control. Thus, to learn and create meaningful change internally, you must put your ego aside and own that you need support with something in your life. The minute I started doing this was the minute I truly started learning how to live a better life. I’ve had various mentors supporting me through issues such as emotional trauma, physical health, mindset, etc., and I have grown exponentially because of them.
In terms of shame, accepting that you need support to heal that painful wound is a necessary step. Once you have crossed this barrier, and have trustworthy, non-judgmental brothers or sisters in front of you, unburden that load of shame. Be seen for all that you are and allow whatever emotions you are feeling to come to the surface. By sharing your most shameful secrets, you are more likely to stop hiding yourself from the world. Since others have now seen the “ugly” side of you, what’s left to hide? You’ll also feel how freeing it is to truly be ALL of yourself and you will never want to go back. Once those you love and trust accept those sides of you, you will care less about what random people think. Since I know that many people I trust accept my shameful sides, I don’t care about the trolls who send hate my way. Prioritize the judgments of those with a good heart, leaving the ones with egoistic thorns in the darkness—where they belong.
EMOTIONAL RELEASE
Behind shame exists a lot of charged emotions, usually including being angry at yourself. This anger does not magically disappear once you accept your shame internally and externally—it has to get released to allow your body to move on with your mind. For so long, your poor body had to deal with the emotions that you did not want to mentally deal with. It’s time to allow that poor sucker to finally break free. To do so, think of all the times where you felt the most shame and it caused you to deeply dislike yourself. Connect with that past version of yourself and tap into how they felt. Now, let your body release those emotions in whatever way it deems fit. Turn off the mind and give your body room to freely express itself. I usually grab a pillow, put it over my face, and start screaming as loud as I can. Then, I start beating the shit out of my bed and throw a temper tantrum. Afterwards, I always feel like I lost emotional weight, leaving me feeling lighter than usual. Keep repeating this process until when you think of those shameful moments and feel genuine sympathy and forgiveness, rather than self-hatred and anger. The next step is the hardest part, and don’t call me crazy until you try it out for yourself and see the results. Permit those you love and trust to witness you releasing the emotions of shame, and have them hold you after. When we dealt with shame in the past, we had to deal with all those horrible feelings completely alone, refusing to let anyone see us in that state. Thus, it’s actually freeing for your body and mind to allow the world to see what you had to deal with in private for so long. Again, you can only accept all of you once you show all of you to the world, and those painful emotions are a big part of your identity.
BILLBOARD
If you want to feel true liberation to the highest degree, then I recommend following David Goggins’ billboard strategy. And what better way to do that than posting about your shameful moments on social media—where all eyes are on you. So, write a post about a shameful experience of yours and how it affected you over time. And of course, how much fucking better it feels to OWN it, rather than HIDE from it. In doing so, you will not only feel more comfortable in your own skin, with nothing to hide anymore, but you will also inspire others to do the same, allowing you to be of service (the best feeling in the world).
In summary, by internally and externally accepting your shame, releasing the negative emotions, and inspiring others to do the same, you are not only liberating yourself from an internal prison of self-hatred and anger, but you are using that terrible experience to help others, turning what was once a nightmare into a beautiful dream.
