THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS AND ROMANCE
16 NOVEMBER 2021 (12 MIN READ)
Who doesn’t love a good romantic chase? Beating the odds and receiving the admiration of someone way out of your league by playing a perfect game. There’s no better feeling in the world. Even Hollywood agrees, basing almost every romantic comedy off of this formula. But what happens once the chase is over? Is happily ever after always the outcome? In one short answer, fuck no. As a society, especially in America, we have become accustomed to equating happiness with the pursuit of achieving a goal. And the closer we get to the finish line, the more happy and ecstatic we become. As Jordan Peterson says, “Perhaps happiness is always to be found in the journey uphill, and not in the fleeting sense of satisfaction awaiting at the next peak.” This mindset is reflected by America’s obsession with productivity, driven by the powerful machine we call capitalism. People are so obsessed with achieving their financial goals that they will spend most of their time thinking of the fastest way to get there, feeling happier and happier with each trick they learn to quicken the process—no matter where they stand on the income hierarchy. This mentality is not restricted to one’s financial dreams—it gets applied to everything in life, especially love.
Let’s say dating a specific beautiful woman becomes your goal. Rather than just telling her that you like her and want to date her, you decide to concoct a magic system that will get her to fall under your spell. You spend hours online watching pickup artists spew their bullshit advice, and you call all your romantically successful friends for their advice. Like chasing financial dreams, this strategy is rooted in an effort to find a shortcut to getting the exact goal you want. And the closer you get, the happier you become. With each new development, a massive dopamine hit floods your brain, leading you to become obsessed with finding new ways to attract this person because it feels so good. Although many, including myself, have been through this journey, the process of love cannot become equated with the capitalistic American Dream.
Once you achieve a financial goal, there’s always more money to be made and areas of a business to expand, but the same cannot be said for love. Once you have gotten your potential partner under your spell, where is there left to go? Your mind will want to find some other romantic target to pursue, but where is the meaning in that? I have seen so many friends become obsessed with the pursuit of a romantic interest, but once the chase is over, they just get bored and move on to the next one. In romance, real happiness comes from committing to a great partner so much so, that you are willing to overcome any personal obstacles in your way, rather than pursuing an idealized version of someone to receive validation. The former is based on deriving meaning from the strength of your internal spirit, fighting off hedonistic sides of yourself that wish to break a commitment that leads to long-term happiness. On the other hand, the latter derives meaning from external validation and getting someone you see as above you. Which way of dealing with love seems to be better for your life?
The rest of this article will further explain why we find ourselves so seduced by the idea of a romantic pursuit, as well as how to shift our view of love in order to find more meaningful relationships.
THE PUZZLE
When the idea of winning over a romantic interest enters our mind, it often transforms into a metaphorical puzzle, requiring intense focus and a careful strategy to solve. Back in my Casanova days, I treated romantic situations in the exact same lens. When I found myself attracted to someone, I would immediately focus on the puzzle, rather than the reality in front of me. I would psychoanalyze the target, find their insecurities, and change myself to suit their needs, resulting in me solving the puzzle and feeling an immense level of satisfaction. But once the puzzle was solved, I needed something new to satiate my egoistic thirst. Although I sound eerily like Norman Bates, don’t be so quick to judge; most of us have found ourselves in this situation—the game of seduction. At its core, seduction comes down to this question: “How can I change who I am to increase the likelihood of attracting the person I desire?” This mentality is deeply problematic for two reasons: it leads to shitty relationships and it comes from a deep place of insecurity.
The process of solving a puzzle is what makes it all worth it. Nobody buys a puzzle and leaves it solved out of the box. They want to break it apart and enjoy the journey of coming up with a solution. Whatever joyous feeling exists in the end merely lasts a few seconds, leaving you to look for the next dopamine hit. In today’s day and age, the process of dating someone has become the exact same thing. This reality is reflected through linguistic phrases such as the modern term, “scheming,” and the dated term, “courting.” They imply that getting someone to romantically admire you requires a devious plan and hard work. But, within that ideology, you are putting your own needs below someone else’s, which is repugnant in every way possible, even to yourself. We feel this even at an unconscious level; it does not feel good to place ourselves below a romantic interest. So what keeps us scheming? The rush of solving the puzzle. As each piece connects, the more dopamine we feel to look for the next one arises. And once every piece is put together and the person is put under our spell, we feel complete. However, where does this feeling go? It quickly fleets into a desire for the next puzzle, leaving us ogling potential targets to solve. If you attract anyone by viewing them as a puzzle that requires solving, once the puzzle is done, you are likely to run away—seeking more immediate gratification and dopamine. Since we have established that this strategy leads to short-lived relationships, now it’s time to get into how it's riddled with insecurities.
If you feel like the only way you can attract someone is through manipulation and not being yourself, you are an insecure person. I am only saying this because I have been that person. Although I attracted lots of beautiful women through my “game,” I was deeply insecure. I couldn’t bear to be myself out of fear of getting rejected. I had to constantly shape-shift to feel comfortable in my own skin. Additionally, whenever I solved a puzzle, I needed a new one immediately, making it impossible to develop any meaningful relationships. Once I realized this bad habit and built up my self-worth, I stopped needing to play games and dropped the desire to solve puzzles. I stepped into my own power, meaning that I knew I did not have to be anyone but myself to attract the woman that was right for me. You can only attract someone who is right for you if you show them all of you. And by living in that truth, you become the game. By being so confident in who you are, more people will be attracted to you. And they will be attracted to you for YOU, making it unnecessary to play any games. Since you will no longer require games to attract people, you will stop viewing love as an action of doing and more of a state of being. By just BEING love, the things that will serve you in life will find you. However, if you think you will find love by DOING things to receive validation, you will only attract what is wrong for you. Stop viewing your love life as a puzzle that needs to be figured out and start viewing it as a wholeness inside of you that’s already solved.
IDEALIZATION
Often, when we pursue someone romantically, we are pursuing an idea of them—that makes our life seem more whole—rather than who they are in reality. For instance, let’s say Jim and Fred are both going for the same woman, Jane. Jim is very insecure about himself and wants an attractive woman by his side to increase his status. Fred is confident and intrigued by Jane’s energy; he wants to learn more. For Jim, pursuing Jane becomes a pursuit for his own confidence. In other words, “getting her” will mean acquiring the internal validation he has been seeking. She becomes a necessity for him to live a better life. This means that he is likely to overlook any bad personality traits for the superficial value she adds to his life, idealizing her in the process. On the other hand, Fred is already content with his life, so he does not need Jane. He merely wants to learn more about her and see if she is a good romantic fit for him. This mindset leads him to be more objective in understanding her and less likely to idealize her in any way. As we can see by this comparison, idealizing a romantic partner is grounded in low self-worth and needy behavior. If we have to mentally make a crush out to be different from reality to suit our own needs, then we are not really chasing the person, we are chasing something we could not find in ourselves—such as happiness or confidence. And when this happens, we are forgetting to look at the person in front of us for who they really are: a human with unique personality traits. So, if we end up winning over an idealized crush, what exactly happens?
Let’s say good old Jim gets the girl and suddenly feels so confident about himself. His friends give him more respect, more women check him out on the street, and he becomes more confident in the workplace as a result, leading to an increase in professional success. But once this confidence has a chance to become normalized, what happens to the woman in front of him? He starts to see all the bad stuff that he chose to ignore initially. He soon becomes repulsed by her poor sense of fashion, her snarky comments start driving him crazy, and her constant flirtation with other men begins to enrage him. Once he realizes these negative traits, he immediately ends things with her. This is unfortunately a common pattern for both genders: using an idealized version of someone for their own personal gain, and breaking up with them once they have gotten what they needed. To avoid this type of narcissism when dating somebody new, see them as objectively as you possibly can. You can only get to this place once you feel that you are worthy of love. And to arrive at this destination, you have to feel like you are worthy of your own self-love. By doing so, you will not be needy and place someone else above you for superficial reasons—because you will know you’re enough. Through looking at someone for who they really are, you can be more sensitive to the red flags that you would normally unconsciously forgive, saving you a lot of time and heartbreak in the long run. And if you genuinely like everything about the person in front of you, including their shadow, then you are more likely to have a deep, meaningful relationship.
THE REAL JOURNEY UPHILL
Although the traditional pursuit of romance, or “the chase,” is rooted in ego and insecurity, that doesn’t mean our human need to pursue cannot be transferred to something more healthy in relationships. My metric for a healthy relationship follows this logic: if the person in front of you is feeding your personal growth, then that is the right person for you. And by “feeding,” I do not mean literally spoon-feeding you ways to become a better person. Rather, they act as a vivid mirror of the work you have to do on yourself and cheer for you while you do that work. Most of the trauma we possess as human beings boils down to whatever needs of ours were not met as kids. And since our romantic partners trigger those childhood feelings of unworthiness, they reveal to us what work has to be done in ourselves. In my past toxic days, where I had no awareness about my trauma, whenever a partner would trigger me, I would take it out on them and make it their problem. Unfortunately, this is the case with most people in the world, but it doesn’t have to be, and it’s nowhere near as rewarding as the other option: if you use triggers to become aware of your wounded inner child, you can heal yourself and become a much better version of yourself. To do this, you must internalize your triggers and not blame it on the other person. (Emotional abuse and manipulation are notable exceptions). However, once you have been triggered by your partner, it’s important that they show you full support, rather than throw you to the wolves.
Often, as men, we feel the need to shame and repress our insecurities. But what men don’t realize is that the pain associated with shame flies out unconsciously through the need to get aggressive and dominant. This reality is reflected by the amount of domestic abuse inflicted by men. These men get triggered by their partners, and instead of internalizing the pain and using it to grow, they direct their internal shame towards their partners and hurt them for it. Also, if we shame our own insecurities, we will do the same for our partner, making them feel bad for voicing their worries. And shaming each other for triggers and insecurities is the biggest recipe for disaster in a relationship. To avoid this destructive habit, follow this formula:
First, if you get triggered by your partner, and you feel your body get enraged, separate yourself until you know what the cause of the trigger is. Because until you realize it’s solely to do with your traumas, you will take your anger out on your partner, and they don’t deserve that shit. Once you discover the delicate root of the issue, inform your partner and ask them to support you through the healing process. Overcoming trauma is brutal, and having a partner hold your hand through the fire makes it infinitely easier. But the minute you get shamed or ridiculed for expressing a point of trauma, is the minute you need to say goodbye to the person in front of you. If someone cannot love all of you, then they cannot love all of themselves, and that’s not somebody you want to be with.
Bringing us back to the main point of the article, you can still view a relationship as a pursuit towards something meaningful. But rather than having that meaning be superficial, such as being seen as more physically attractive and feeling more validated in the eyes of society, base the meaning on your own personal development. A great partner can catapult you towards becoming the best version of yourself, but only if they support you through overcoming your own traumas. Rather than going up the steep hill of life alone, you now have someone holding your hand along the way. What a beautiful feeling.
