THE PROBLEM WITH PORN
9 NOVEMBER 2021 (13 MIN READ)
I am not here to deliver some religious sermon and label all consumers of porn as spawns of Satan. On the contrary, I intend to raise awareness in each reader to see if consuming porn is in their best interest. Whatever you end up choosing in the process, I will respect you equally. Although I have studied the effects of porn on human behavior through reading many clinical studies, reflecting on my own journey with porn has led to the most powerful observations. Here is my story.
I started masturbating to porn when I was around twelve years old—about three times a day. Although twelve may seem extremely early to start, a lot of men these days start their pornographic journey around that age. Although common, starting that early has devastating consequences on personal development. As a young male, if you learn to start viewing females as sexual objects worthy of your aggressive and perverted dominance, it will deeply plague your relationship with them and set an unhealthy tone for the rest of your life. At thirteen, I would hypersexualize my crushes and school teachers, imagining doing unspeakable things to them any chance I could get. All innocence was lost and I became a sexual deviant constantly living in erotic fantasy. Luckily I did not act on these fantasies, but many do. Talking to mothers of young girls, I learned they often hear their daughters talking about having to give guys blowjobs as early as thirteen. This was not always the case. This is a present issue directly tied to porn culture and hypersexualization in the media. If young men equate releasing lust with fucking women aggressively, then they will treat their romantic peers the same at a young age. Making matters worse, if a male brain develops with that pattern of thinking, then it will be much harder to break it as time goes on. Reflecting on this tough reality, no matter how much work I do to undo the damage of this development of my brain, I still catch myself dealing with the same thought patterns I did at thirteen.
As I matured and my porn consumption stayed the same, the way I viewed women became more depraved. Any attractive woman I encountered became a potential mechanism for me to sexually release and nothing more. I had no game because all I cared about was the fucking, and I had no confidence in myself to actually do that. This led me to have no luck in attracting women and because of that, I kept going back to porn to feel good. Even when I did start attracting women with sexual interest in me, porn still managed to get in the way for two main reasons: erectile dysfunction and a lack of enjoyment. When you jerk off to porn, you are going straight into the action, meaning you begin the session by being absorbed by intense sexual stimulation, such as oral sex or straight to animalistic fucking. This high level of early stimulation makes it easy to cum quickly. And once you develop this habit—to your brain, sex becomes a quick activity to release some juice. Now, once you are away from the screen, and you enter a sexual situation with a new partner, that excitement still comes to kick you in the ass. Since your body is used to seeing oral sex or penetration and immediately cumming, as soon as a woman starts going downtown, you are likely to come very fast. This happened to me many times and it was utterly humiliating. And the more times it happened, the more nervous I was to have sex. Once I got the two pump chump out of my system and was able to last awhile, I did not find myself enjoying sex as much—because it was nowhere near as exciting as porn. It all seemed like a Disney version of the X-rated movies I watched my whole life. Thankfully, I realized what was at the root of all these issues: if when we make love to ourselves we are solely fixated on the climax, then we will treat making love with others the same way, missing out on the importance of explorative foreplay and the appreciation of the beauty of exchanging energies. In other words, by seeing sex with ourselves as only concerned with ejaculation, we will see sex with others the same way, which is all made stronger by porn usage, because porn itself is only concerned with the outcome of sex: the climax.
Once I quit porn and saw how much better my own sex life was, as well as my mental health and perspective of the world, I noticed how deeply problematic porn was to society, especially the male brain. Here are some of the key problems with porn that you should be aware of:
SOCIAL ISOLATION AND SELF-LOATHING
Backed in clinical studies, porn consumption leads to feeling more lonely and a higher level of depression and anxiety.¹ ² In terms of feeling lonely, I have a couple of theories as to why porn exacerbates that harrowing feeling. When I moved to New York as a chubby, awkward thirteen-year-old from London, I had a hard time making friends. For a whole year, I was right at the bottom of the food chain, eating alone in the cafeteria and getting picked last in gym class. What I did have though was my imagination and an endless stream of porn. Whatever issues I had at school vanished into thin air when I was staring at my phone masturbating to some big booties. The whole trick of porn is that it makes you feel like you are fucking the woman on the screen, like you are the actor in the movie. This sensation dumps buckets of dopamine into our brains, especially if you are a fat thirteen-year-old with no shot at attracting a female. Since this high is so intense, everything else in life becomes dumbed down, especially when you hate your fucking life. If you are in this position, porn becomes everything. It is the reward of your hard days. It’s the thing that you fight for each day. This is because you feel like you are fucking hot women, which feels good in the moment, but it feeds you a false sense of confidence that becomes addicting. But like social media, it only makes you feel worse about your own life in reality—where you feel like you are seen as a loser. And the more you watch porn, the more you realize you are fucking your hand to a projection on a screen. Furthermore, you realize you have no shot at having sex with real women because all you do is fantasize about fucking them, rather than taking any action in getting to know one. This leads to much lower levels of self-worth overall, which is reflected by a study that showed those who do not watch porn have much higher levels of self-worth.³
Making matters worse, higher porn usage is directly correlated with higher levels of insecurities surrounding one’s body, as well as their likelihood to use steroids.⁴ For one, most men in porn videos are muscular and have a very large penis. Thus, if you watch those kinds of men constantly fucking women, and believe the women “love” their gigantic penises, then you are going to feel very insecure about your own measurements—both muscularly and genitally. On the other side, women who watch porn tend to be more likely to develop an eating disorder.⁵ This sad reality is due to the same sort of comparison to the person on screen—most women in porn tend to possess unrealistic levels of beauty. I believe this comparison goes deeper than television or social media because it is correlated with sex, which taps into our most vulnerable and deep desire: to be loved. If the people we constantly watch having sex, and make love to ourselves to, look entirely different from us, then we are going to believe we are not worthy of the sex we desire unless we look like them. So, until we get the nine-inch dick and six pack, or the double D cups and bouncy ass, we will not be worthy of the sex we want. However, going deeper, at the root of wanting sex is wanting to be loved. To have someone allow you inside of their temple and share their vulnerable nakedness with you, at a human level, it implies that they radically accept who you are and trust you as a person. In other words, they see you as worthy of love to the highest degree. By using this logic, if you do not believe you can have sex with anyone because of the way you look, then you believe you are not worthy of being accepted and loved. Nothing is more painful in the world than this feeling, and porn gives you an express pass to experience it. At its core, this inability to feel that you are worthy of love is what feeds social isolation and self-loathing.
Another way in which porn damages one’s self-image is the self-judgment created by the inability to break a toxic habit. Since porn is not placed in the same negative category as drugs and alcohol, many feel as if it’s not a bad habit to have. Nevertheless, nobody feels good after watching it. As soon as men release their juice, they immediately realize the severity of what they had just done. A thought I often used to have was, “Wow, you just rubbed your own dick to a weird fucking video. What the fuck is wrong with you? What kind of life are you living?” Many men have the same thoughts after jerking off to porn, but they keep going back to it for some reason. This habit of repeatedly going back to something that makes you feel terrible about yourself is severely detrimental. It leads you to stop trusting yourself and to view yourself as irresponsible. This damaging way of seeing yourself transfers to all aspects of your life. And when you feel like you cannot trust yourself—no one should trust you.
Next time, before you watch porn, try your best to be aware of why you are doing it—at the deepest level. Ask yourself important questions, such as if you feel loved. And more importantly, after you watch it, check in with how you feel about yourself, both internally and externally.
99 PROBLEMS AND A CHICK IS ONE
The more you watch porn, the more you are going to struggle with women. This is not just some hunch I have, it’s also backed up by concrete data: the more porn one watches, the more likely they are to be unhappy having frequent sex as well as unsatisfied overall when they have sex.⁶ ⁷ At first glance, this may seem due to the fact that men are preferring porn to actually having sex, but it’s a whole lot more complicated than that. Women are more emotionally connected and delicate than men, meaning that sex to them is not as simple as sticking it in and giving a couple of good pumps, followed by rolling over and calling it a night. That’s actually the opposite of what they want. Most women actually value foreplay more than the deed itself. This means that before sex, they want to be sensually caressed and kissed everywhere, all in extra slow motion. They want to feel like the man in front of them cares more about their pleasure than just dumping his own load in them. If men skip this part and go straight for the kill, women will feel unwelcome, insecure, and uncomfortable, leading to an emotionally and physically disconnected sexual experience. And if the woman isn’t having a good time, the sex is going to be pretty fucking terrible, leading you to go right back to stroking your dick to a little screen. I believe this dynamic has been made drastically worse by porn. If you learn how to have sex through watching porn, then you are going to believe that sex is as simple as immediate penetration and wild sexual positions, all while the woman is loving everything you do. Even worse, you learn to become aroused by this way of sexuality, meaning that’s the only version of sex you will desire. You have been brainwashed by porn and it’s time to break the curse. Because on the other side exists a better life, where you will not only attract more women, but make them feel safe around you, and as a consequence of that, sexually satisfied. Once a woman feels safe and cared for, then the freaky shit will be more likely to come out. But you have to earn that—it will rarely come immediately.
To break your bad habits, next time you have sex with a woman, slow down as much as possible in foreplay. Take your time exploring her beautiful body and find the areas of her body that elicit the most arousal. Once you feel like she’s ready to move on, and she explicitly expresses it, enter her queendom. This is not your hand. Her vagina is not a masturbation device. You are exchanging energies with another soul, treat it as such. Try your best to tap into the way she is feeling, rather than fixating on reaching your own climax. The priority is HER, not you. Once everything is wrapped up, do not be cold with her. Hold her if it feels appropriate. Show her you still care as much about her. Although it may take awhile to get used to, by going about sex this way, you will start enjoying it much more and seeing what it’s all about. The divine feminine is a gentle flower that blooms with radical love and support, not brutality and selfishness.
RAPE CULTURE
This section will build off of a previous idea I had in another article. Like an arrogant asshole, I am going to quote myself: “Men feel as if they do not need to build verbal trust and a charming connection, but rather see women as a gateway to sexual pleasure—as simple as turning your phone on and cumming on command.” In other words, by constantly associating the feminine with solely sexual release, you will treat them as a piece of meat to fulfill your desires, rather than human beings with a soul that requires deep respect. This is why so many men will go up to women and treat them as if they immediately want to have sex with them. Even worse, men can actually get offended when they’re rejected. This loss of manhood stemming from rejection leads men to assault women out of revenge. I am not saying porn is the only reason this happens, but it sure as fuck is a big one.
Men need to fix their relationship with the feminine. The feminine is what leads to nurturing, care, and deep love in the world. Without it, we are reduced to mere brutes. Porn declares war on the divine feminine. It leads us to selfishly treat the feminine as a vehicle to feed our egos and devious hedonistic mentalities. This must stop. The divine feminine must be able to reign freely in society, or else we are all fucked. And one big step to do this is giving up porn. Let me explain how you can do this.
TAKE THE LEAP
As I’ve explained throughout this article, giving up porn will make you feel less lonely, less depressed, more confident, more attractive to women, and more loving to yourself. If this doesn’t convince you, then I do not know what the fuck will. First, start treating your relationship to masturbation differently. This may sound cringey, but I promise it works wonders: make love to yourself like you wish a fragile old lady was made love to. This means you will be a lot more gentle and delicate with yourself. Put on a sensual song, light a candle, and masturbate VERY slowly. Remember, the aim is not to climax, but to explore yourself and provide nourishment for your soul. The more you get into this habit, the more you are going to make love to women in a healthier manner, and they will appreciate it a lot more. To change your sexual relationship with others, you have to transform your sexual relationship with yourself.
In terms of breaking the habit of watching porn itself, I have a good trick. Every time you masturbate to porn, eat the food you hate the most. Personally, I hate ginger and blue cheese. So, if I am trying to break a bad habit, I will literally shove blue cheese or ginger into my mouth when I fall back into the habit. This creates a viscerally negative association with the habit and will make you much less likely to do it.
