TAP INTO THE RUSSIAN DOLL
10 FEBRUARY 2021 (11 MIN READ)
After experiencing multiple instances of saying something regretful or feeling irrational emotions in recurring situations, I realized that I became past versions of myself in those moments, begging for expression and attention. Due to the different stages of our lives where many traumatic experiences and intense emotions are formed, when similar situations arise where that pain was once felt, we transcend back in time to that person we once were. For instance, due to living very close to the Twin Towers, I experienced hearing the gut-wrenching explosions and piercing screams firsthand. Since I was two years old, I could not consciously heal the trauma associated with that, which led me to freak out, cry, and freeze whenever I heard fireworks. The loud explosions set off an alarm system in my body, which transported me back to when I was a young child unknowingly experiencing a serious tragedy. Thus, my bodily response matched what I experienced with 9/11, but the situation was completely different and safe. No matter what my parents told me to add perspective and calm me down, my body would not stop freaking out.
As humans, even in situations not as intense as this, we form emotional links to past experiences, which lead us to feel the same bodily response we felt as a younger self. Inside all of us are different identities stacked on top of each other, and one can quickly become dominating if triggered correctly. Hence, why I created the theory of the Russian doll. All of us have a Russian doll's makeup, and the most critical shell being the first layer, aka the inner child. No matter where we are in life, our inner child is holding on to our hearts. If we do not learn to treat them with love and respect when they cry for attention, our outer shell will become increasingly compromised. In order to strengthen our outermost layer, we have to become aware of dangerous situations where we are more likely to become past versions of ourselves. One specific emotion is the most powerful in breeding the emergence of a repressed identity: insecurity. Within the feeling of insecurity, the Russian doll easily feeds off of social situations and romantic endeavors, breaking away our outer layer and bringing out a past, vulnerable self. This article will focus on these concepts and end with a solution: allowing awareness to cultivate stillness.
INSECURITIES
What exactly is insecurity? In my eyes, it’s transportation to a time in our life where we felt particularly vulnerable about something. Try and find something you’re insecure about that does not come from a painful experience. I used to be decently fat, which led to many mean jokes thrown at me and constant insecurities breeding in my mind from a young age. Even though I exercise frequently and have lost most of the fat, I still have some love handles. A day does not go by where I don’t look at them in a negative light. Why? Because my brain was trained to do so ever since I was five. No matter how much I counter-advertise and think loving thoughts, my initial response is still disgust. In those moments, I become that younger self, insecure and hoping for a better self. And now that I am that self, it is still not enough. Other than bodily insecurities, two vulnerable fields of insecurity that are worth focusing on are social dynamics and romantic endeavors.
SOCIAL DYNAMICS
Kids can be fucking dickheads, especially when you put them around someone unique and special. Why do you think nerds get such a bad reputation? Because they are different and do well on tests. Kids are so impressionable that when someone does not become more like them, they get treated as a poisonous outsider devout of any coolness. They have no malice in their body but cause insecurities in those who make fun of them. If you have ever been that outsider at some point in your life, which most of us have, you will always have that version of yourself within you. Specifically, when you are presented with a new group of people, that wounded self will pop right out. The anxious, intense feelings you felt as a kid will come back in full force, leading to a complete lack of rationality. You’ll tell yourself things such as, “These people seem so cool. Why would they like me?” or the classic, “I’m just going to check my phone a lot, so people think I’m busy.”
Once these feelings take over your mind, all you will want to do is follow them. But, to conquer this difficult insecurity, you have to do the complete opposite: act against them. If some asshole told you not to eat that slice of cake, what are you more likely to do? Eat the fucking cake. So treat your younger self in the same light. However, your inner child is not a dick; they were just in a lot of pain. So treat them with love and compassion initially, and then act entirely against them. In other words, note the negative feelings without judgment and with love, but don’t allow yourself to become them. The first step to doing this, and probably the hardest, is to simply tolerate the uncomfortable feelings. Instead of allowing them to manipulate your intellect, try and use the emotions as a gas pedal to take action, which is the next step. When you feel insecure and do not want to talk to new people or make friends, do precisely the opposite of that. Go up to random people and practice the art of conversation. By simply listening, you are already doing better than most of the people in this world. Although hearing somebody out is a great starting point, there are two critical components to consider in battling social insecurity: self-value and empathetic reading.
A big part of why we get scared of meeting new people is that we seriously lack self-assurance. We all grew up deriving confidence from others' reactions, which is the antithesis to developing self-love. The process of loving yourself begins and ends with only you. Take the time to get to know yourself and the beauty you bring to this world. In doing so, you will break the chain of needing others to feel good about yourself and will begin cultivating the muscle of self-love. The stronger this muscle gets, the more we can throw ourselves into social situations without fear; the goal is to build enough self-assurance to not react when someone dislikes us.
As I frequently mention throughout my website, we all wear masks in society to best suit the idea we have of ourselves. Funnily enough, many of the people we see as socially “gifted” are the ones who wear the thickest masks. They realized that their default, negative self would not make the cut in terms of making people happy, so they threw a smile on their face and kept complimenting others. Through observational practice, every human being can begin seeing beneath these disguises. Next time you find yourself in a public place, merely look at people’s mannerisms; dig beneath the surface and try to find out what they are hiding. Observe the speed at which they move (anxiety), their posture (confidence), the twitches between transitioning facial expressions (their real self), and most importantly, end with empathy. Put yourself in their shoes after making the initial observations. What does it feel like? What could make them feel better? In practicing this skill, it is essential to try and be free of personal judgment; take yourself out of the equation to avoid bias. Once you begin mastering this skill, put it to use in social gatherings. You will start noticing that the people you once saw as “cool” are actually hiding a lot of pain; they are human, just like you. This developed empathy will dramatically reduce the fear and judgment you have for others.
Behind every smile exist vast flows of tears, which should lead you to wash away your fears.
ROMANTIC ENDEAVORS
One form of pain that can sting especially bad is romantic rejection, leaving deep insecurities that can stay with you forever. Once you give somebody your heart and they repeatedly stomp on it, of course, it’s going to fucking hurt when they hand it back to you. These situations and feelings can develop from a young age; nevertheless, being fat and awkward as a kid never stopped me from shooting my shot. To no surprise, every girl laughed and walked away when I revealed my feelings. Thus, when I went through puberty and gained a jawline, I still thought no one wanted me, no matter how much interest I received. This false illusion led me to become actively scared of approaching women and robbed me of the opportunity to work on myself.
If you experience anxiety approaching someone attractive, reflect on how well you were received romantically as a young adult. Since we cannot make sense of our strong feelings when we are young, we end up hating ourselves a lot more. And due to our brains developing with this irrational thought pattern, it will come back to bite us in the ass throughout our adult lives. The only answer is to train it out of ourselves. The previous section emphasized developing self-assurance as a technique, which also works very well for romantic situations. The more you back yourself, the less likely you are to take rejection personally. Speaking from experience, I only learned how to be the best version of myself through getting rejected. Before, I would take rejection as a sign to change something about myself, which many often do. However, rejection can become a breath of fresh air, saying goodbye to someone who does not appreciate you for you.
Three avoidable qualities should be considered in the initial stages of dating. I call them the three "D's of Destruction": dependence, defense, and delusion. They can all be eradicated by developing self-love and tapping into previous versions of yourself. Becoming immediately dependent on someone, usually activated through “ghosting,” gives us a sign that we need to do significant work on our self-respect. On one end, a parent could have raised you through being distant, so that is how you learned to love. This wounding leads you to become that inner child when distance arises and consequently experience the negative feelings that come with it. On the other side, you can have such little respect for yourself that you thought you found it in some hot new person, leading you to become devastated once it gets taken away. In other words, you became a past version of yourself where you felt lifeless, waiting for any opportunity to save yourself through external means. Unfortunately, I got breaking news: nobody can save you but yourself.
In terms of “defense,” our egos can become frightening little children when a person we have a crush on is not treating us the way we want, resulting in hissy fits and stupid behavior. For example, having sex with or courting one of their friends to get revenge. Ok, that one was dark, but on a more familiar level, spamming them with texts or calls to get their attention. This can be seen as a defensive action because you are doing whatever it takes to disallow yourself to get hurt. However, being ok with getting hurt is a crucial part of taking the fear away from dating.
Lastly, consider the times you have created stories surrounding a new crush, thoughts such as why they’re taking so long to answer, or how they’re probably fucking that person we hate. Although incredibly seductive, these egoistic thoughts are delusions. We cannot know these things until they happen. Again, be ok with the idea of potentially getting hurt. If something bad actually happens, why experience it twice? Our inner child gets activated most intensely in romantic relationships. This is due to us learning how to love for the first time without any guidance; whatever toxic patterns our parents presented us with was simply what we had to accept and love. Unfortunately, we did not have the rational ability to make sense of our intense feelings at that time. Thus, if that wounded kid has not had the chance to emotionally heal, which they desperately need to do, they will take over your mind and body when activated. Learn to become aware of their trigger points and develop a strategy that allows you to become rational rather than a ball of emotion. Personally, I like to note the takeover, expressively release the feeling, and then allow time to move me back into my present self. Within this, it is crucial to not allow your inner child to make decisions for you, leading you to hurt or lose the people you love. Time is your friend in allowing the inner child to expend their energy. The less power you give them over time, the less likely they are to keep negatively revisiting you. Unfortunately, to heal ourselves, we need to experience some excruciating moments, but they will get easier to handle over time.
Become aware of the different versions of yourself and do not allow them to control you. Note their presence, act against what they want, and understand that time will minimize their power. Allow your own awareness to instill an inner peace despite the chaotic feelings. Healing the inner child gives us the gift of learning to not act on our deepest negative emotions—an essential skill that not many before us have mastered. We live in a time where we are being manipulated to act off our feelings; pay attention to how much more you watch the news when you are scared or how often you check social media when you feel lonely. Take it upon yourself to fight against this societal training and become the control center in reacting to your feelings. Or better put, how you do not react to your feelings.
