HOW I OVERCAME ADDICTION
29 APRIL 2021 (15 MIN READ)
9:00 AM. Walls spinning and a headache so fucking bad I feel like I smashed my head through a wall (turns out I genuinely had some head damage from an egoistic drunken wrestle). In addition to these excruciating ailments, a pit in my stomach grew so large that it immediately set off a full-blown panic attack. Negative, suicidal, self-deprecating thoughts were flying through my head like a race track, ready to crash and burn at any second. To save myself from this god-awful hangxiety, I opened my infamous drug drawer and pulled out a handful of Klonopin—basically Xanax on steroids. As I swallowed the potent pharmaceuticals shaped like candy—genuinely, go ahead and Google it—I thought this day might be my last one. (I had never taken a dose that high and my blood alcohol levels were through the roof). Since I thought this may be it, I said fuck it let’s throw some THC in the mix, so I sparked up a blunt and took these life-enhancers for a ride. While I did not hallucinate, everything was moving in slow motion; my experience literally became a stereotypical movie with the slowed down voices and a fanatical obsession with the complexities of my hand. At one point, my heart was beating so slow that I was convinced any second would be my last, which made me even more happy. I could finally go out the way I wanted, high as a kite and slowly floating through the moment—instead of a Jackson Pollock painting on my university’s sidewalk.
As you can see, my life became drugs, and anything outside of it was a full-blown fucking nightmare. Whenever I felt any uncomfortable emotions, I would run straight to the drug drawer like a wounded kid to his mommy, unable to deal with negative experiences and doing whatever I could to hold on to pleasure for dear life. If you are experiencing what I went through, I know it may seem as if you are constricted to that lifestyle. I too thought there was no way out. Well, here I am on the other side, smiling and loving whatever the fuck life throws my way. And yeah, I may sound like a smug asshole, but I went through hell and back to get here, and I know you can too. So, here are the ways I crawled out of the miserable tunnel of addiction; I hope they can serve you along the way.
UNDERSTAND THE DISEASE
In my opinion, the first step to change is always awareness and understanding. So, to heal yourself from addiction, it helps knowing what the disease consists of and how it affects your brain. In other words, you need to know what your brain has become in order to change it. Let’s begin by defining drug addiction: a lifelong, chronic brain disease, which consists of an obsessive need to seek drugs despite the harsh consequences that come with them. It can be considered a “disease” due to the changes it causes in one’s brain (scary shit, I know). Since you have to literally change the way your brain works to heal addiction, it is incredibly difficult to overcome and will stick with people forever. (Super dark, but don’t worry, the next sections of this article are full of hope and strategies to heal).
Within addiction, there are two key groups of vulnerable people: adolescents and those with mood disorders. Speaking from experience, as a former bipolar teenage addict, (still bipolar but lost the teen in me sadly), falling into these categories can really catapult you towards the depraved depths of addiction. What’s especially fucked is that adolescents are getting primed for addiction with the immediate gratification loops capitalized on by the world’s greatest monsters: Big Tech. And since teens these days are glued to social media, their manipulated prioritization of pleasure at all times increases their chances of moving towards drugs. And when teens start getting addicted to drugs while their minds are developing, they end up molding their brains forever, especially their prefrontal cortex—the part of our brain that controls impulsive urges. This impaired development makes it especially hard for younger people to overcome addiction. On the other hand, in terms of mood disorders, often, those who feel the need to consistently reach for drugs have a coinciding disorder like depression or bipolar disorder. Fitting into this category, I felt the need to self-medicate so I could either calm myself down or amp myself up, resulting in an addiction to benzos and stimulants.
So, if you are reading this and seem to fall into this category of reaching for drugs to help with mood regulation, it would be beneficial to get a professional consultation. It took a doctor to smack me in the face and tell me I was crazy to take the first step of acceptance, which made all the difference. Without knowing what exactly was going on inside of my mind, I could have never taken the first leap towards change. I went from “I’m a piece of a shit” to “Oh shit, I just have chemical imbalances in my brain,” which resulted in a kinder way of viewing myself. It’s essential to treat addiction like the disease it is, rather than a form of degeneracy or a failure of values.
Now we will get into some theories explaining why and how people fall into addiction. When someone becomes an addict, they fall deep into hedonism, which entails prioritizing pleasure to find happiness. This mindset means that for an addict to view themselves as happy, their recent experiences must have been mostly pleasurable, setting off a rat race to avoid all moments of displeasure and continue the streak of feeling good at all times. (Interestingly, I conducted a study in college which showed that the more someone drinks, the more likely they are to view happiness as pleasure, rather than life satisfaction or tranquility). One of the driving forces behind this hedonistic mindset is the whopping pain in the ass of withdrawal. If you have never experienced this, kiss God on the lips and thank Him every day because that shit sucks. Like really fucking sucks—to the point where I could only feel motivated and get out of bed if I literally stepped into an ice bucket. Since any moment outside of drug-induced euphoria consists of misery and deep pain, of course any drug addict would do whatever they could to avoid it, creating a yo-yo lifestyle with an infinite string. Even thinking of taking one’s drug of choice creates some of the same feelings in the brain as the drug itself, prompting users to salivate at the mouth when thinking about using, which pushes them to take the illicit substance since withdrawals feel so much worse in comparison.¹ The addicted brain becomes designed to fight away any feelings of rationality and tranquility.
To make things even harder, drugs can destroy how much one enjoys ordinary things. Trivial activities like eating and watching TV can seem quite vanilla in normal life. However, on drugs, these things can send orgasms throughout your whole body. To witness this, look no further than a super baked teenager eating an ice cream sandwich. (Yes, that teenager was frequently me and ice cream sandwiches just don’t do it for me anymore). Although these high experiences can create enhanced memories and explosive momentary pleasure, going through those activities in a sober mindset becomes much less enjoyable.² This discrepancy ends up feeding the hedonistic mindset and propelling addicts back towards wishing to experience absolutely everything high. I understand how this may seem like a lot to overcome, but by understanding what addiction does to your mind you have taken the first step. How can you beat an opponent without knowing their moves first?
FIGHTING THE FIGHT
As I laid face down on my bed with my whole body shaking, and worse, my mind constantly spewing the worst thoughts one could ever imagine, I thought to myself, “Why not die?” I was sure dying must be better than the weeks of withdrawals I would have to endure to live a better life. Then I thought about my family, and most importantly, my own potential. Do I want to leave this place having done nothing I was put here to do? I was put into this world not to do drugs, but to experience hardships and use that pain as empathy to help others. I then pictured myself as a kid, having trouble breathing and a mom who wouldn’t come home to help me, and how he constantly envisioned a brighter future as a way to continue. I could never let that kid down; I had to give him that future. He would be so upset to see me go out this way. After that visualization, something changed in me and I finally gained motivation. What was I running away from? Pain and a sober life; that’s it. I knew I could work with that. It was me versus myself and I wouldn’t go down without a good fucking fight. So, I developed a strategy to best tolerate the pangs of withdrawal. I knew that dopamine was the key ingredient in the drugs I was addicted to, which can get naturally released through feeling motivated and accomplished. Thus, against all odds, I shifted my mentality to a growth mindset, celebrating every advancement towards a better life. It literally got to a point where I celebrated going to the bathroom to take a shit. I had to do whatever it took to feel good about myself, and it worked.
In summary, when withdrawal has you knocked out and questioning life, focus on your own potential and think about what your child self would want; then, go on to use that fuel to find motivation and any ounce of accomplishment you can get. Along with this mindset, there are essential activities that massively help with supplying a fat load of naturally created dopamine.
OPTIMAL HABITS
First and foremost, do not go back to the environment that broke you. Yes, that means taking time away from your drug-induced friendships and stepping away from parties for a while.
Fuck, you’re not going to listen to me, hopefully some real science will convince you. Take this key result from a University of Colorado Boulder study: exposing heavy drinkers to visual examples of alcohol activates the dopaminergic pathways of the brain, amplifying the urge to imbibe.³ At the initial stages of rehabilitation and sobriety, it is essential to avoid visual exposures to drugs or alcohol, especially from those you used to party or get high with. No addict will be happy to see their co-addict head towards sobriety, it makes them feel even shittier as a person, hence why they will keep shoving drugs in your face. So have some respect for yourself and take a time-out. Eventually, once the desires dwindle down, you can revisit these relationships and parties, but often, you will realize that you have outgrown them. After a year of being sober, I tried revisiting the same parties I used to go to and the inebriated friends that came with them, but I felt a visceral distaste this time around; everyone around me just wanted to lose themselves, which I could not stand to be a part of anymore. That irresponsible side of myself left when I got sober, which upset me for a while since I had to lose some close friends; nevertheless, that hard change made me a better person in the long run. This avoidance is the bare minimum to start the journey of sobriety. But once the journey starts, withdrawals will start ruining your life. This pain makes it incredibly easy to give up; however, if you implement these next habits, your odds of recovery will vastly improve.
Stimulants would help with my depression and depressants would help with my anxiety, but without both, I was a blob of misery, anxiously spiraling about ending my sad life. All I could do was eat, drink water, shit, jerk off, and hate myself. (Yes, I hated myself more after jerking off, but fuck it we all do it). As was mentioned in the previous section, I suddenly became motivated to change thankfully. And the first leap I took was hitting the gym. I realized that exercise naturally releases a high amount of feel-good hormones, some of the same ones as drugs, so I put my muscle tee on with extra short shorts and skedaddled my ass to the gym. After an hour-and-a-half of lifting heavy weights and pushing sleds, I felt like a new man. Not depressed, not anxious, not self-hating, but motivated and somewhat happy. Then after a couple of hours it faded and I was back at square one. Nevertheless, having those moments of post-exercise euphoria made it all worth it. It was the light at the end of my dark tunnel every day, which gave me motivation to fight through the withdrawals. And with each day, the moments after exercising became increasingly tolerable, making that light shine even brighter. Sometimes with emotional pain, we have to create a silver lining or an end goal, or else the pain becomes meaningless and can linger on for long periods of time. Although I believe exercise was the most crucial component of my recovery, two other key habits helped me survive, literally.
As I wrote in my article, “Healthy Habits to Optimize Mental Health,” cold showers and meditation are essential parts of my morning routine that help me be less of an asshole. Unsurprisingly, they massively aid in the reduction of withdrawal symptoms, both physical and mental. Cold showers release endorphins and norepinephrine, mood-boosting hormones which lower symptoms of anxiety and depression. Furthermore, cold water can also aid in muscle recovery and soreness, making the physical symptoms of withdrawal more tolerable. During the peak of my withdrawals I was taking around three freezing cold showers a day, which not only vastly enhanced my mood and outlook on rehabilitation, but left me voraciously searching for my super suit. Along with freezing your nuts off, sitting down and practicing mindfulness can make things a lot easier; specifically, harnessing the superpower of curiosity and focusing on the breath. If one simply focuses on the sensuous nature of their craving and gets curious about it—how it feels around their body and mind—they have already started suppressing the craving. If you give the craving a voice, such as “I NEED DRUG,” you will most likely need that drug, but if you merely ride out the wave and refuse to give it the wrong voice, you will start to suppress your urges. Along with this curiosity, start focusing on the breath to hit pause on the racing mind that often comes with withdrawal. When you find your mind spinning, just ask why and focus on your breath. It sounds really dumb, but it genuinely makes things go way smoother. One specific breathing technique that really helped boost my mood and silence my mind while I was going through rehab was the Wim Hof Method. I don’t know the exact science behind it but all I know is it made me feel great and I hope it can do the same for you.
ONCE AN ADDICT, ALWAYS AN ADDICT
Even now that I am no longer addicted to drugs, I still have the mind of an addict, meaning that I still unconsciously search for and prioritize anything that makes me feel good at all times. I have tried every diet there is, every god-awful green juice out there, every meditation technique, every sport, every fucking everything, all in the search of man’s dream: a perfect life of always feeling good. Although my addictions and habits have become healthy, needing something to feel good is the antidote of happiness. So I carry that awareness with me whenever I feel the need to do something that would make me feel good. Living with awareness of one’s addictive mind is essential for a lifelong recovery. Although it is better to be addicted to healthy habits like exercise and cold showers, it is still an addiction at the end of the day, which is important to note.
Much worse than a healthy addiction, transferring one's addiction from drugs to unhealthy habits is something that can also ruin lives. Three common addictions that I recommend to avoid are: love, sugar, and phones. Although it feels great to get a blowjob while eating a donut and playing Candy Crush, these pleasurable entities can cause real damage.
In terms of love addiction, it essentially means that you cannot exist outside of romantic love. People with it will latch on to new partners quickly, become unhealthily attached in relationships, and lose sense of themselves in the process. As a former love addict, any time I sensed a partner was distant I would freak out and be a huge dick, such as blaming them for not loving me and being distant myself for a while. (Yes, I used to have narcissistic tendencies). In terms of drug addiction, if you are attempting to get sober and happen to fall in love, not only will it be harder to remain sober due to the intensity of relationships, but you can transfer the addiction onto your partner. Love is the most powerful energy in the world, but when we feel like we aren’t getting enough of it, we can ruin any ounce of it in our lives, especially the love we have for ourselves. Thus, not only will you push away romantic partners through falling in love while getting sober, but it will leave you in even more pain than when you first started the journey. So it’s best to heal your drug addiction before you jump into the bumpy roller coaster of love.
Using phones and eating sugar cause immense pleasure when consumed; however, when used in excessive amounts, they can become an addiction, creating long-term negative mental and physical effects. Phone addiction can destroy one’s attention span and create a hedonistic mindset, prioritizing immediate gratification at all costs. Like drug addicts, phone addicts will find the ordinary things in life unenjoyable because the dopamine created by phone applications seem much better to the brain than reality. This is why you see so many ungrateful seven-year-old iPad addicts. So, if you are an addict, make sure you are aware of the amount of time you spend on your phone, as they are literally created to addict you. Personally, I only allow myself to use social media once a week and have turned off all notifications on my phone, which has made a massive impact on my presence as well as my gratitude over the small things in life. In terms of sugar, eating too much of it can literally kill you, especially with the importance of metabolic health in fighting modern diseases. In addition, sugar can amplify anxiety and the crashes can contribute to depression, making sugar addicts vulnerable to poor mental health. Most importantly, sugar withdrawals exist and they have the same effects as drug withdrawals, such as poor mood and anxiety.⁴ So addicts, remember this before you dive into that third donut: do you want to experience withdrawals again?
Although these tips and habits can make short-term changes, there is no substitute for therapeutic techniques such as CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). Studies show that those who use CBT while recovering from drugs will have much better results,⁵ ⁶ meaning they will recover faster and have better control over their addictive behaviors than those who do not use CBT.
If you are trying to recover from addiction, please get professional help. Nothing else can come close to helping you as much as real doctors can. I could have never gotten to where I am now without my psychiatrist.
