WHY OUR GENERATION'S LOVE LIFE IS LOST
2 FEBRUARY 2021 (9 MIN READ)
Let’s face it, the dating lives of Gen Z and Millennials are absolutely fucked. Consider the countless dating apps that never seem to work, the never-ending texts and FaceTimes from your friends who can’t figure it out, the ludicrously high amount of selfies posted for validation, and the infinite stream of porn digitizing seduction. Our dating lives have become synchronized with technology, chipping away at our chances of finding real love. This article will show you how phones have influenced you to deter long-term relationships, how porn has frightened many men into romantic stagnation and constantly objectifying women, how the media has sold women the idea of needing a mysterious and hard-to-get man, and most importantly, how we can fight back.
PRIORITIZATION OF PLEASURE
The first thing I’m going to tell you to do is to stop reading this article. Get rid of all distractions, yes that includes mindlessly refreshing your Instagram feed, and sit with your own thoughts for ten minutes. Go ahead, do it.
If you didn’t even attempt to do this, you’re not alone. If you did and lasted a couple of minutes before you gave in to the desire to reach into your pocket and make love to your sweet little gizmo, that is the usual outcome. This unwillingness to sit with your own thoughts and reflect on yourself is a sign of anxiety. When things get slow and boring, technology has trained us to not deal with it. Social media has become a savior in boredom but a villain in maintaining peace. In order to become mentally healthy, you need to start finding beauty in boredom; it allows you to unpack your thoughts and reflect. To do this, prevent yourself from checking your phone every time you find yourself hungry for immediate gratification. But what the fuck does this have to do with dating?
If we have developed the habit of pressing refresh every time there is a lapse in excitement, we will also do the same with our romantic partners. However, to find a suitable long-term partner, one must learn to tolerate feelings of boredom after the honeymoon period ends.
Let me lay out a modern love story that we all know too well. Person X thinks person Y looks hot, person Y feels the same, and they express this shared attraction. They fuck like champions and are both excited about the prospective romance. This sexual exploration continues, but only late at night. One day, person Y proposes a dinner date. Person X feels overwhelmed at the rapidity of this proposal and decides to ghost person Y, even though they showed signs of a good connection. Person X now texts person Z to come over and hook up. Although person X has every right to do that, this familiar situation raises some critical points to explore. Once the pleasure loop has been temporarily cut off, and we are left with the looming monstrosity of long-term gratification, people can really freak the fuck out. Serious romance requires staying on the same page and never refreshing. Since we have been trained to never deal with boredom, the idea of not getting another fix messes with our heads. Many people also live with romantic wounding, never allowing themselves to let their guard down and fall in love. Technology and social media make healing this wound a lot more complicated. On one hand, our brains have been manipulated to prioritize pleasure. On the other hand, social media and dating apps give us an avenue to feel validated when we are most wounded. In combination, making it incredibly easy for romantically-wounded people to never fall in love again.
Social media has influenced the mass craze of needing to play games. Every person in the dating world constantly worries about how to play a dating situation. In other words, they want to change themselves and their feelings to best suit the person they are courting. To find true love, this is the worst thing to do; don’t allow someone to fall in love with a costume. Everyone loves the old classic: make them wait. No, not sex, but rather emotionally wait. This strategy entails actions such as not answering texts on purpose or waiting a while to say hello at a social gathering. On the other side, the target is also thinking the same thing, resulting in both sides playing a soccer game where no one kicks the ball. Distance is your friend sometimes, but not when it is manipulated. It is ok to take time for yourself between dates to assess if this person is right for you. Also, it makes total sense to be cautious of feelings developing too rapidly. Allow space to come when it feels natural, but not when it feels forced and is driven by your ego.
Waiting and playing games keeps things exciting, reflecting a culture of constant pleasure and immediate gratification. To break that, understand that healthy relationships cannot develop until you stop playing games and learn to tolerate boredom. Second, practice taking action and not hiding behind pride—always put your cards on the table and do not fear the consequences. Although technology has taught us to prioritize the easy path, fight that trained comfort and allow yourself to be you, however scary that may be.
STOP WATCHING PORN
Ok, now that the guys have left, it’s time to get down and dirty. I spent years consuming porn, beginning as early as thirteen. Many guys also start off this early, which creates a recipe of disaster plaguing modern romance, and more importantly, horrific sexism. One to two times a day, when I was feeling bored or depressed, I would turn my phone on and choke the chicken to unfathomable stuff for a young teenager to be observing. Through this unfortunate habit, I learned to view sex as simple as immediate penetration and crazy positions. It also taught me to prioritize tits and ass and think of every woman as capable of performing crazy sexual acts without hesitation. Due to the fast overstimulation of pornography and finishing way too fast in an anxious hurry, before my mom potentially opened my door (never happened, don’t worry), I had difficulties with sexual stamina for a very long time. The more I talk to men who have stopped watching porn and perform much better sexually, the more I learn about how it has created an epidemic of erectile dysfunction. After stopping and focusing on mindfulness, I was able to heal my issues. Still, the amount of anxiety I caused myself during my teenage years because of erectile dysfunction was brutal.
On top of this, porn teaches us to negate the aspect of erotic foreplay. Unlike men, women need time to elicit arousal, as well as adequate lubrication to minimize discomfort and increase pleasure. Most men fail to understand this and see seduction as simple as sticking it right in, both fingers and penis. Again, this is due to porn, as well as a lack of sexual education. After spending your peak hormonal years hooked on porn, you begin to objectify women at crazy rates, seeing each of them as a potential sexual conquest rather than a romantic partner with feelings. As hard as it may be to hear, porn culture is drastically contributing to rape culture. Men feel as if they do not need to build verbal trust and a charming connection, but rather see women as a gateway to sexual pleasure—as simple as turning your phone on and cumming on command. I don’t mean to sound like a crazy conservative Karen, but men, you need to stop watching porn. Not only does it make you a worse lover, but it contributes to your increasingly objectifying relationship with women. It further engrains our societal notion of prioritizing pleasure, which the more we avert, the more rational and successful we will become.
MOVIES + TELEVISION LIE TO YOU
Idolized fictional characters such as Mr. Big, Don Draper, and James Bond have influenced women to desire men like them; also, by having these emotionally reserved personalities as worshiped examples, men feel the need to turn off their emotions to make themselves more attractive. With the dream of becoming a self-help writer surrounding love, I have spent way too much time watching romantic media. In doing so, I attempted to understand what women desire and what the ideal man looks like. In summary, the perfect man needs to be distant, mysterious, emotionally disconnected, and love a good alcoholic beverage. However, the silver lining comes here: revealing glimpses of vulnerability and interest among the emotional disengagement. This combination leaves the woman in a state of continuous frustration and anxiety until the man reveals his true feelings for a moment, making her ecstatic until the cycle starts all over again. Back when I was not aware of my narcissistic tendencies, I started trying this formula out, putting on the mask of a seductive movie character and playing the game. In doing so, I sparked serious interest in exponentially more girls than ever before, which confirmed my hypothesis of the brainwashing capabilities movies and television have. Since this strategy worked so well for me, I lost touch with who I really was and attracted the wrong women for myself. So, because of the pain caused by this mistake, I have some advice for my male and female readers.
Men, stop playing games to satisfy your ego and to get into girls’ pants; your self-worth will never come from how many girls you fuck. Instead, you will become increasingly insecure, deriving satisfaction from being somebody you are not. Cultivate your identity and why you back yourself as a lover. Take off the fucking mask and wear your real face with pride, allowing for the next girl who falls in love with you to really love you for you.
Women, pay attention to the times you have fallen under the spell of the formula previously described. Those times where he was a colossal asshole, but then he was so incredibly vulnerable for one particular moment. Try to understand how that emotional response has been cultivated by the media you have been consuming since you were young. The right man for you should always put you first while allowing you to be one hundred percent yourself. Prioritize your self-worth and never let a man neglect you most of the time; stop re-creating the fantasy tales. Remember this: if you watched the movie you’re living in as an outsider, what would you say to the main character?
