MANAGING ANXIETY IN A NEW ROMANCE
20 MAY 2021 (15 MIN READ)
I used to think I had the dating game down to a science due to the superficial success I obtained from it: many dates lined up and beautiful women falling for me fast. However, the strategy I used to get those results gave me anxiety up the wazoo. I was so petrified of rejection that I did whatever I could to make sure I stayed in the position of power. So, I took last minute rain checks because I was “working,” rarely answered texts and opted for random phone calls instead, flirted with my romantic interest’s friends, and most importantly, refused to show my emotional vulnerability. In other words, I was a grade A fuckboy. Although it seemed like I was the man, I lived in a world of pain. I constantly wanted girls chasing after me because I could never fathom slowing down for a second and telling them how I properly felt. That feeling of being dishonest with yourself and others about how your heart feels is one of the most draining experiences you can ever endure.
Eventually I realized I could no longer live this way, and investigated as to why I could not get vulnerable and feared commitment. In come those damn mommy issues. I am living proof that strong men can have even more mommy issues than girls can have daddy issues, so don’t fall for that false narrative. Parental abandonment is abandonment at the end of the day, and if left undealt with, it can royally fuck up your dating life. For me, since my lovers replaced my mother, whenever I caught feelings, I did whatever I could to make sure the other person felt the same way—refusing to let another woman leave me again—even if that meant me living a lie the whole relationship. In addition to the issues with my mother, I was 0 out of 100 with girls as a kid. As a chubby little Latino boy covered in eczema, girls showed no interest for a long time. So, when I gained good looks and a false sense of confidence, I did whatever it took to be the opposite of that young kid.
Once I healed these wounds, I reassessed my dating strategies and realized I had it all wrong. It’s not about games and presenting a false idea of yourself; it’s all about honesty. Always be honest with yourself and your romantic interests. In addition to this, it’s essential to heal your past wounds surrounding love so you do not bleed them onto other love interests in the wrong manner. Lastly, you need to get comfortable with being alone to avoid neediness and anxious attachment. These three main ideas will be expanded on in the rest of this article to paint an accurate picture as to how to manage anxiety in a new romance.
HONESTY
When’s the last time you were completely honest with a new romantic partner? Like genuinely telling them the warmth you feel when you look at them or how there seems to be a brewing connection. The answer is probably never. And that’s ok. Most people opt to present a version of themselves that they think their new interest would want to see—usually one that plays it cool or shies away from vulnerability. By following this strategy, you either end up with an awkward conversation that wastes your time or attracting someone through wearing a mask. If the latter occurs, you will feel pressured to always wear that disguise when you interact with them, creating a false sense of connection that will drain you each second you try to maintain it. Honesty, on the other hand, can either lead to a quick rejection or a genuine connection filled with refreshing sincerity. The more we improve at handling those quick rejections, the lower our ego falls and the more we cultivate maintaining our identity in the face of adversity. So even the negative side of honesty becomes a positive. On the flip side, nothing feels quite as good as making an honest connection devoid of any games, providing fuel for your soul and pushing you away from trying to be somebody else.
TELL 'EM HOW YOU REALLY FEEL
The more you hide how you feel in the initial stages of romance, the more you will suffer and lessen your chances of romantic success. Let’s take the classic “friends with benefits” example: two friends decide to start fucking without any labels or drama. In the beginning, this feels incredible and anxiety-free, but then one person starts having sex with someone else as well. Now, the other side gets jealous and realizes they have feelings for their friend, which happens naturally when you have sex with someone multiple times. Instead of taking this opportunity to vocalize their feelings, the wounded person decides to start having sex with someone else as well and continues the “friends with benefits” relationship with increasing agony. Take your best guess why. Because they can’t imagine getting vulnerable and potentially facing rejection, so they choose to maintain the damaging relationship out of a refusal to let the person go. This lingering pain is not worth it and actually lasts a lot longer than the short, brutal blow of rejection. More often than you think, when you develop feelings for someone, you’re tapping into an energy that is reciprocal, so take that chance. (When they do not feel the same way, they sometimes just remind you of your parent and that’s what you’re connecting with, not any mutual chemistry). However, if they say now is not the time, do not take it personally and allow yourself to find someone who would be better for you.
Now, in terms of taking the first step in romance through honesty, listen up. And no, I’m not going to hand you some cheesy one-liners that will magically get the job done. When you feel an attraction for someone else, whether it be a friend or someone you have just met, allow the feeling to brew inside you. Feel the warm coating on your heart that deep attraction creates and use that feeling to propel your words. In other words, speak from that burning sensation in your heart. Next, calmly gauge how the person in front of you reacts. If their feet are turned away from you and they keep looking at anything but you, it’s time to accept your losses. However, if they are reciprocating your warm energy and invite you closer, you may have something to work with. (The key word is “may.” Never assume anything in dating, especially sexual attraction). Finally, allow honesty to work its power. If you think there’s a mutual sexual energy brewing, tell them. You can say, “I’m sensing an attraction between the two of us. What should we do about it?” If they act like you are crazy and dismiss you, make a joke out of it and say how you completely misread the situation. Again, there is nothing wrong with this. The only time it becomes wrong is when you keep pushing it once they have laughed you off. Never do that; it’s a terrible habit and just plain creepy. Take your losses with pride and understand how that person could not appreciate you for you. Now, if they agree that there is a mutual attraction, the ball is in your court. Do as your heart desires, but always remember to stay honest and invite them into the deliberation process. The main reason I recommend this strategy of immediate honesty is to save time and honor your feelings. Often, many people spark an attraction at a party and wait weeks or months to do anything about it. Not only can this process be reduced dramatically by being honest, but waiting around also teaches people to suppress their feelings out of fear, which can lead to a lot of emotional pain.
Next, when you are further down the line, be honest with your romantic partner about your wounding. Personally, I come with a lot of baggage, which I completely accept and carry with a degree of pride. I have three therapists, used to be a drug addict, am diagnosed bipolar/ADHD, and experienced a lot of emotional trauma growing up, which gave me a form of PTSD. When I told this to my girlfriend, she gave me a huge hug and was genuinely curious as to how I live with all that. She also emphasized how she was happy to support me down that path. Her beautiful reactions were one of the main reasons I knew she was the one for me. I didn’t tell her these things to excuse acting like an ass or a crazy person, but just to give her a heads up as to what I will continue to deal with for the rest of my life. I may go through triggering episodes because of my PTSD. I may spend days more depressed than usual or manic because of my bipolarity. I had to tell her those things so she would not freak out if they arose unannounced or if she placed the blame of my pain on herself. Shoving those things onto her late into a relationship would be incredibly unfair. The most important thing about this level of honesty is that it begs the question, can you truly accept me for me? And if they say yes, then you’ve got a keeper.
DON'T COMMUNICATE THROUGH OTHERS
In a similar vein of refusing to ask honest questions, people tend to defer to their friends for information on their romantic interest. I’ve seen buff, supposedly tough guys ask their female friends if another girl is interested in them. And then proceed to communicate through that person for everything else. Such as when it’s right to take their friend on a date or when she thinks she’s ready to have sex. The list goes on. This is the most scaredy cat, chicken shit move of all time. What’s so hard about asking someone if they are interested in you? It’s simply that most people can’t face rejection. It’s much easier to have your friend tell you that your crush is not interested than your crush actually turning you down themselves. Furthermore, nothing is more unattractive than someone who cannot ask you things themselves and needs an intermediary to get to you, especially for women. If this pattern of communicating through others continues into a real relationship, then the sanctity of the relationship is doomed. Successful relationships entail honest communication and trust, not trusting a friend to tell you the right thing to say to your partner.
On a separate note, stop asking your friends how to play a situation or how to answer a text from your crush. Start practicing making those decisions yourself and you will watch your confidence blossom, as well as the success of your dating life. I often found myself asking friends for constant dating advice because I was so scared to fail. But I ultimately learned how to succeed in romance through making mistakes, highlighting how constantly getting advice from others is the wrong approach to dating. So trust your gut and say what you wish to say. The mistakes will only increase your romantic awareness and allow you to understand who you really are—and whether or not a potential romantic partner is truly rocking with you or a string of words created by your friend. By understanding how dating mistakes can strengthen your romantic muscle, you can take away your fear of failure, and consequently, you can watch your anxiety surrounding romance dwindle down.
BE OK WITH GETTING HURT
My mentor once told me to open my heart to emotional pain and embrace it with open arms, rather than doing whatever it took to avoid it. His words have stuck with me till this day and they prove to be of the utmost importance in romantic relationships. We often act in ways that make us avoid rejection. Consider the times you have refused to ask someone on a second date and insisted that they reach out to you first. Or when you take ages to answer texts to assert dominance over the other person and make it seem like you don’t care about them. And of course, the most painful one: refusing to say how you really feel in case the other person does not feel the same way. All of these actions are a result of a refusal to deal with emotional pain. I believe the biggest priority of all humans is to be loved. Thus, when it seems like one cannot receive love from the person they need it from the most, they tend to freak out and act defensively. But however crazy this may sound, getting hurt makes you a stronger person. I never properly grew up until I faced my pain and utilized the lessons hidden within them to push forward.
Allow yourself to be vulnerable and express how you really feel, forcing yourself to be potentially ok with someone not feeling the same way. Find peace in the freeing of your heart and allow yourself to nurture it when it has been wounded. Emotional pain often leads to the most love you will receive in life. Of course, the end goal is to supply yourself with love when you have been wounded, but getting vulnerable with friends about emotional pain tends to bring them even closer, fortifying friendships better than anything else. So walk around with an open heart and welcome all the feelings that come its way. Don’t rob yourself of a potentially beautiful romance because you are scared of getting hurt; your heart has the power to overcome any obstacle, so start treating it that way.
HEAL YOUR PAST WOUNDING
Throughout my dating life, I have felt incredibly anxious when my romantic partners have left me home alone at night, sparking all sorts of negative theoretical scenarios and creating visceral pains in my chest and belly. In the past, I had no clue what was going on, so I just treated it as anxiety and talked the pain over with my friend Barbie (my large pink bong). After getting high, the pain went away and I continued to convince myself that I merely had issues with my central nervous system. Just like most pain you repress, the emotions kept coming back stronger in the same situation, which led me to seek out therapy. After just three sessions with my therapist, she allowed me to find my biggest “aha” moment of my whole life: whenever girls would seem distant, they would remind me of my mother who abandoned me. And the more romantically attached I would get to someone, the more scared I would be that they would run away. So my body treated it as a fight-or-flight situation to not lose the person I cared for. Once I understood the logic behind my knee-jerk reactions, I thought I was good to go. Unfortunately, the issue kept coming back in full force and the logic was not helping me whatsoever.
I became so frustrated with the pain that I started taking it out on my girlfriend, blaming her for my negative feelings and making her feel bad for leaving me behind. After she rightfully scolded me for doing so, I realized I had to make a serious change. In that moment I knew that I would never stop having that post-traumatic stress of abandonment, but the way I react to the feelings could change. And most importantly, my partner should never be blamed for those transferred feelings. If I did not change my behavior and continued to place the blame on my girlfriend, it would have pushed her away. And that’s completely fair. Why should she have to experience the pain of something she has nothing to do with? Many people deal with this same pain of not being able to handle distance in a relationship, and it most likely stems from abandonment issues as a kid. Come to terms with this pattern of pain and stop placing the blame on your partner. Either you will lose them or they will feel like shit throughout your time together. This ideology can transfer to any serious emotional pain left undealt with before a relationship; try your best to heal the wound before it bleeds all over your partner. You can even heal it while in a relationship, but make sure you keep it separate from your partner and understand it’s your own battle. The only thing your romantic other can do is respect your healing process and not judge you for it. If they poke fun at it and make you feel bad about it, then on to the next one.
EMBRACE SOLITUDE
This sounds counterintuitive but you need to master the art of being alone before you enter a new romantic fling or relationship. I recently had a deep conversation with my best friend about what it takes to be romantically successful. He’s someone who has always had effortless success in romance and I was curious about what made it so easy for him. He told me the biggest key was “to love being alone. And have no one be able to take that from you.” Immediately, everything made sense to me and I thanked him for that pearl of wisdom. I related his insight to my personal experiences and noticed the times where I had the most romantic success was when I loved having alone time—no matter who I was in the midst of pursuing. And the times where I royally fucked up my dating life were when I couldn’t stand to be alone. When you hate spending time with yourself, a romantic interest becomes a drug you need to feel at peace. However, once they smell that neediness within you, it’s game over. Nobody wants neediness, especially in the initial stages of a budding romance. Furthermore, even within a committed relationship, when one side gets frustrated or upset when their partner needs to spend time away from them, it’s a recipe for disaster.
Use alone time to recharge your body and soul, reflecting on your personal growth and focusing on the things you haven’t had time to do. Whenever my girlfriend has busy days when mine are free, I go and do the things I love outside the relationship. I play lots of basketball, catch up on bad reality television, call some friends, and read the books that help me write these articles. I believe that at any stage of romance, distance is needed to fuel the romantic fire and allow both partners to reconnect with themselves. So, if you ever find yourself needy when a romantic interest or partner is doing their own thing, focus on how that distance will make them feel more passionately for you. The one key caveat is to never manipulate distance for your own personal gain, such as not answering texts on purpose or not seeing each other for longer than needed. This “game” many play today is a reflection of a fear of getting hurt and needing to stay in power, as was stated earlier.
So, when distance comes your way, embrace it and allow the feeling of missing someone to nurture the relationship, but don’t force space out of your own fear of getting hurt.
