HOW TO STOP BEING AN ASSHOLE
11 MAY 2021 (17 MIN READ)
As I stood at the staircase of my college apartment, slugging an overpriced Japanese whiskey bottle and sucking on a penis-shaped e-cigarette, I looked over lines of insecure souls trying to make their way into my private party. Freshmen girls pleaded with me about how they know the host so well and guys would try to fight me when I wouldn’t give them the time of day. I rejected person after person and got high from the egotistical feeling of superiority—the oozing coolness I thought this gave me, but rather, it slapped the label of asshole all over my face. I knew this, but I still reveled in it. Whenever I would overhear how people thought I was a massive dick and girls would see me as an ass, I grinned. The more this characteristic stuck to me, the more guys respected me and the more girls fell for me once they realized I had a good heart. (Yes, we live in a fucked up world). I firmly believed being seen as an asshole helped me excel in society, and it did, but in all the wrong ways.
Three years earlier...
As I stood by the staircase of a fraternity rush event, soberly observing machismo American culture, I was too scared to socialize with the brothers. For a long period of time, I never fit in anywhere. Guys didn’t respect me, girls didn’t bother looking at me, and my own parents thought I was going to amount to nothing. Hence, as a college freshman desperately looking for a new start, entering the best fraternity was my only option to achieve redemption, or so I thought. Filled with this anxious excitement, I finally approached a smaller, less intimidating frat member and ignited a conversation. My attempt to find out where he was from was immediately followed by aggressive forced drinking and being called a homophobic slur because I could not shotgun a beer properly. When he asked me to keep doing it, I rebelled and simply told him I was good. He proceeded to kick me out and tell me I would never get into the frat. And like the scared kid I was, I went crying straight to my older family friends in the frat and asked for the mean guy to get reprimanded. Jesus, I was a fucking softy. The Lucas in the paragraph above would have shoved the beer can down his throat, choked him out, and devised a plan to never have him enter any party again. That moment of bullying and rejection sparked a toxic fume in me, prompting me to do whatever I could to be respected by everyone to the highest degree. And that is why I became that asshole, loving all the fear and admiration that came my way.
Although being an asshole can have superficial advantages, the price you pay is way too fucking high. You treat others the way you treat yourself. So, if you’re a shithead to other people, you’re a shithead to yourself. The times in life I hated myself the most were when I was the biggest jerk to others. And now that I am much kinder to myself, my mental health is doing exponentially better than before. I’m also kinder to other people as a result, which has led me to feel more loved in return. I am by no means proud of the terrible actions I committed when I was an ass, like putting people down and making them feel insecure. I became that guy who bullied me at the rush event and I will never live that down. However, I am thankful that I allowed myself to become that person to know how horrible it can make one’s life. Having made it to the other side, here is how I recommend to stop being an asshole:
FIND THE AWARENESS
We’ve all heard the common, lousy excuse often touted by those who defend assholes: “Oh, you probably caught them in a bad moment. They’re nothing like that usually.” I’ve even found myself using this reasoning to dispel people’s concerns of assholes close to me. Nevertheless, it’s completely full of shit; let me show you why. First, let’s begin by unpacking what a “bad moment” entails: a negative emotional affect. So, the excuse suggests that feeling a negative emotion is suffice enough to defend one acting like a dick. But the human experience is filled with negative emotions, every day, and that’s what makes it so beautiful and challenging. If everyone were to be rude and demeaning whenever they felt a negative emotion, this world would be filled with even more terror and conflict. That being said, feeling like shit makes it easy to snap and be rude without intending it. I still sometimes find myself snapping at my girlfriend or mother when I’m feeling moody, but I fully accept the fact that it’s not ok and no feeling can defend my actions.
To stop this bad pattern, one needs to find the voice behind their emotions, aka the awareness. Watch your emotions like a movie and choose when you wish to take part. When that angry, repugnant feeling arises, you can choose to take part in the brawl or watch as an entertained outsider.
Our brains like reward systems, which can help in curtailing a bad habit. Actions such as snapping at someone close to you or being rude to your employee can be reacted to in two ways: painful guilt or an egotistical rise. If you let your brain focus on the egotistical rise, it will want to keep getting that reward. However, if you shift the reward to painful misery and severe guilt, your mind will want to stop experiencing that at all costs. So, watch how you feel after acting like an ass. If you feel good, it’s ok. You’re human and have an ego. However, in order to become a better person and be properly respected, it may be time to start working on that side of yourself. To do so, feel the pain that comes with being rude. Picture how you made that other person feel and try to connect with it. By that I mean sitting with the negative emotion and really allowing yourself to feel it; open your heart and jump straight into the discomfort. You will then start to associate pain with being an ass, which will begin convincing your brain to stop acting that way. And don’t expect yourself to become an angel immediately, I still fuck up on the regular. However, awareness feeds off of mistakes, which means you need to take advantage of whenever you mess up to strengthen that voice of reason. I would not be writing what I am now if I had not made mistakes and allowed myself to lean into the pain caused by them.
FORCE YOURSELF TO BE KIND
It’s easy being an asshole, blurting out whatever comes to mind and not caring about the consequences, refusing to feel the pain you have caused in your fellow human, and allowing your ego to take over your mind. Contrary to popular belief, it takes hard work to be genuinely kind. And no, I’m not talking about that fake, New Agey, positive shit people are on these days. I’m referring to real fucking kindness. The type that makes people feel calm, loved, and gentle around you. Just like being an asshole, it’s easy to present a fake kindness to others, which is actually another form of assholiness. If you do not want to see your fellow brother or sister thrive and feel at peace, then what you are presenting is not kindness, it’s a manipulation tactic to get others to like you. So, how can we cultivate proper kindness and not the fake kind?
Although Kant had some fucked up takes on humanity, he touched upon one key component that I hold close to my heart each day: don’t use people as a mere means. This philosophy ties directly to kindness. How can you be kind to someone if you are trying to get something out of them? Often, when we find ourselves trying hard to be nice to someone else, we are doing it to receive admiration and respect. Thus, we end up using people as a vehicle to feel good about ourselves. Try observing this side of yourself next time you meet someone new. Look inside and ask yourself, “Why do I need this person to like me?” Once you break out of this habit of needing others’ approval, you can see people as they really are: suffering and wishing to be loved. Take yourself out of the equation and talk to them using this common ground; it helps to know that those you are trying to gain respect from are suffering just as much as you.
After practicing this change of behavior, you will notice people starting to respect you more. On an unconscious level, people can feel if you are trying to get something out of them, so if you just treat them as a fellow human, they will respond much better to you. Back when I was an ass, I would read the person in front of me, find their insecurity, and coat it with sugar, making them dependent on me in the future to feel better about themselves. It was a toxic habit that made me a lot of “friends,” but they were just projections of my own insecurities. I never presented my true self because I hated that motherfucker, so I took on a role and milked that change of identity to its fullest extent. When I was confronted with real, deep, men and women, they would detest me, but those who didn’t know themselves fell for my sinister charms. Now, whenever I meet somebody new, I gently stick my hand out, throw on a genuine smile, and tell them it's a pleasure to meet them. I have nothing to obtain from them because I know myself, so I carry that energy with me as well. Surprisingly, this scares the shit out of people. Strong, macho men are taken aback by my lack of intimidation. Beautiful, confident women want to talk to me more because I treat them the same as everyone else, and I do not have an agenda beyond hearing their life story. Speaking from experience, this strategy of genuine kindness will reap significantly more benefits than putting on a persona and acting like an ass.
As was previously mentioned, you need to target your brain’s reward systems to kick a bad habit. And being a dick to others definitely falls into the category of a terrible habit. First, connect with your emotions and tell me what feels better: that angry pit in your stomach or the lightness of being kind. Consider a time when someone made you angry and when someone was kind to you. Kindness wins this battle in every way possible, as you will notice. So, whenever you find yourself being a dick out of anger, sit with that feeling and compare it to what it feels like to be kind. Also as important, when you are kind to someone, connect with that warm sensation. Keep reminding yourself how much better that feels than being an ass. If you keep up with this reflective habit, you will find yourself becoming automatically more kind. And with this kindness, you can reap the benefits of an increased level of social connectedness. However, one additional step is needed to take this to the next level: loving-kindness meditation.
I’m about to sound like an annoying, in your face, Burning Man fanatic who suddenly found salvation in becoming spiritually enlightened, but bear with me. You can come and punch me in the face after reading this; just promise me you’ll do it with kindness. Before beginning a meditation, (if you want information about the benefits of meditation, check out this article) practice reciting this mantra of loving-kindness. Wish yourself love, happiness, peace, and success first. Then, think of three important people in your life and offer them the same wishes too. Make sure to really emotionally connect with that person when you envision them; feel their energy in your belly. Finally, and this is the most important part, wish those same qualities to someone you are mad at currently. Of course, notable exceptions can be violent oppressors and abusers. This is more so for those people who cause unnecessary drama and conflict in your life. You’re probably thinking this has absolutely zero fucking scientific basis. And I agreed with you until I read a study that showed how loving-kindness meditation increases one’s feeling of social connectedness by tenfold, meaning you feel less lonely as a result.¹ When you regularly practice wishing kindness to yourself and others, you start genuinely wishing others success and peace, and get excited when you see them achieve it. Negative feelings such as greed and envy start washing away and they get replaced by the superior sensation of compassion. This transformational energy starts attracting more grounded people in your direction and leads to stronger friendships based on good intentions.
WHAT ARE YOU ANGRY AT?
Most of the times when we are an ass, we are deeply angry about something in our lives. When I was a dick to those who I did not see as “cool”—it’s because I was mad at my younger self and ashamed I ever acted like a nerd. So, whenever I got reminded of that young Lucas, I snapped and put that similar person down as revenge to my younger self. Once I came to terms with that side of myself and how I was riddled with deep pain back then, I empathized with that kid and stopped putting down those who reminded me of him.
In Freudian terms, this phenomenon is called transference: shifting the feelings and attitudes placed onto someone in their earlier life to a different person in the present moment. For example, most male fuckboys who continuously fuck over women have deep mommy issues, meaning they need to unconsciously get revenge on their mother through replacing her with an array of women. In simpler words, mommy hurt me so I gotta hurt other girls. On the flip side, the beauty of transference is that when realized it can lead to massive “aha” moments that make us better people. To catch these wounds, pay attention to common actions from people that piss you off. Sit down and reflect on if these behaviors were also committed by anyone close to you growing up. My mother would always ask me annoying questions growing up—such as the ones about sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll—which would cause me to detest her. Hence, whenever people would ask me stupid questions, my whole body got incensed and I wished to bite that person’s head off; those people temporarily became my mother. I could never tell my mom to shut up, which made it easier for me to tell less important people to shut it when they would mirror my mother’s actions, which in return gave me a feeling of sweet revenge. However, that feeling was soon followed by regret for being an asshole, so I realized something had to change. Now, when these questions occur and I feel myself getting angry, I can attach the negative feeling to my mother and therefore do not let myself treat the person in front of me like a punching bag. Once you begin noticing these commonalities with the past, your angry habits start telling a story and you can make sure they stay in the history books, rather than constantly acting on them and being an ass.
Unfortunately, we can also take insecurities we have about ourselves and push the anger associated with them to those who triggered them. I used to rock a serious dad bod back in the day, which left me feeling incredibly insecure about myself. So when I saw some ripped dude with an eight-pack, I would automatically despise them because they unconsciously made me feel terrible about myself. The same can be said for any personal quality we do not like in ourselves that we see the opposite of in others. Don’t like your depressive tendencies? Of course you’re gonna want to roundhouse kick that super happy person in the face. Again, just like before, when you get angry about someone’s personal quality, ask yourself: what am I projecting? What is it in myself that I do not like? Although getting angry through jealousy is common, the complete opposite of it often occurs too: feeling enraged about a quality you have in common, but specifically about a feature you despise. When I am now confronted with cocky assholes, I can’t help but feel irritated by them, even more so than most people. Yes, a part of me wants to prove my masculinity and physically or intellectually knock them out, but on a deeper level, I still have that asshole side to myself even though I try my best to suppress it, and I don’t like that one bit. Thus, when I am confronted with that reality, I tend to freak out and harshly judge the other person. The way I see it now is that I’m blessed to get frequent reminders about how that side of me needs consistent attention to heal. Until I stop detesting assholes, I will never stop hating that side of myself and it will continue to exist within me.
I treat those who make me angry as my masters; they teach me more about myself than anyone else ever could. If they make me feel an intense, negative emotion, then they own me, and all I can do is sweep my side of the street until they stop making me feel that way. Again, there are notable exceptions such as physical abusers. But for people who make you angry because of their slightly different political beliefs, personal values, or character traits, that’s all fair game. If those who are different to you keep emotionally beating you down, you have many masters. And they can get a rise out of you whenever they want. Stay strong and let them be an ass, but don’t fight fire with fire or else you become one with them.
GRATITUDE
Lastly, and this one is probably the hardest step to take, be grateful for the pain you have endured and continue to experience throughout life. Specifically, times of failure, rejection, adversity, or any sort of deep struggle. Certain events such as emotional, physical, and sexual abuse, which sadly often occur throughout society, do not fit into this category. Those who have experienced these hardships are true warriors and whatever they’re doing to help heal themselves is their choice.
In terms of the other side, try and express gratitude for the times you have failed, been overlooked, humiliated, and how you managed to push through. Proudly carry that chip on your shoulder wherever you go in life. I had bad learning disabilities growing up as a kid and I consistently ranked at the lower-tier percentile of any standardized test. The feeling of humiliation I felt being the “dumbest” kid in my class ate me alive. Finally, once I obtained the proper therapy and academic accommodations, I started thriving and went from the bottom to the top. I ended up with a high GPA at one of the best colleges in the world. Even though I went through that transformation, I still hated that kid I once was. I thought about him with a visceral shame and wished to get that past erased from my memory. This anger eventually projected onto others through intellectual egoism and making people feel bad if they did not understand something. In other words, that shame made me a massive asshole. Eventually, I started making friends with that past and still stand in disbelief that I flipped the switch like that. I now use that history as evidence that I can persevere through any obstacle, fueling me through any tough situation I face nowadays.
Most importantly, the biggest lesson I took was that I’m still that kid, equally as smart but just with some more belief in himself. This distinction made me notice how the education system means jack shit. It’s a poison that makes those who can memorize things well feel like gods and those who struggle feel absolutely horrible about themselves. I can tell you from experience that most people at Ivy League colleges are no smarter than anyone else. Actually, they’re significantly less intelligent than the average person. They just think they’re smarter than everyone else so they act that way and use that false confidence to monetarily excel in society. But put them on a street corner with danger or tell them to deal with their emotions and they will freeze. How is that intelligence? It’s not. It’s called book smart, and it won’t make you a well-rounded or happy person.
Overall, by just becoming grateful of a painful hardship, I became a kinder and less resentful person, treating everyone as equal to my best ability and avoiding egoism. Moreover, it gave me the space to find my true nature and stop tuning in to what others wanted me to think of myself as, like the education system. Never allow the failure to fit into a common stereotype make you feel bad about yourself. Rather, use it as fuel to understand how you are different, and how you will use that unique identity to make a difference in the world, which in turn will make you feel more grateful to be yourself, leading to kindness.
