FIGHT YOUR INNER NARCISSIST
1 JUNE 2021 (15 MIN READ)
We all like to throw around the word narcissist when someone is acting selfish, particularly as a way to place ourselves above them, but we often get confused as to what the word really means. And we also do not realize how we all have narcissistic tendencies within us. To paint a picture of narcissism, specifically how it gets created, consider the tale of my upbringing, which catapulted me towards this sinister behavioral tendency.
My parents both came from broken families; both with mothers who beat them to a pulp and emotionally distant fathers who failed to give a fuck. Thus, when presented with their own children, my parents had a fundamentally flawed blueprint to follow, resulting in bad parenting throughout my childhood. Since my parents were so wounded by their abusive upbringings, they did not want to abuse my sibling and I in return, which resulted in a complete aversion to parenting. Fear of fucking up made them scared of the parenting process overall. So, rather than raise me and my sister, they just left us to fend for ourselves with an array of nannies to help. In doing so, they left us constantly searching for love and not receiving it when we needed it the most. Since our parents were always absent, when we faced adversity, they did not give us a backbone to fall against, which left us perpetually beaten down. Without this cultivated thick skin through parental guidance, kids will have nothing to go back to when their character is getting assassinated. Bullies will push them down harder, bad grades will make them feel worse than others, not fitting in will lead to visceral sadness, and getting rejected in romance will sting the worst of all since love is the greatest priority for abandoned children. On the other hand, for kids whose parents gave them an identity to fall back to in tough times, as well as a strong support system, they tend to take things less personally and possess a more positive attitude. Fast forward twenty years and those children who were not given a backbone all most likely have narcissistic tendencies. And that person was me.
Revenge and dominance became my best friends, striving to control and manipulate those who doubted or wronged me. I arrived at college wishing to be the center of attention, hopefully getting all the girls and making friends with all the cool people. However, it was quite the opposite; I made friends with the stoners and felt comfortable in our cloud of smoke. Those people are still some of my best friends, but I wanted more recognition and popularity at the time, pushing me to desire for something else. I entered my sophomore year making it into the most popular fraternity, and somehow dating a good woman. My luck was starting to shift and I couldn’t have felt more excited. But instead of finding satisfaction in the good friends and woman I had, I needed more, like a hungry child in a candy store. So, I dropped the friends and the lady, salivating for more attractive women and popular males. I slowly figured out how to seduce people and make friends relatively fast; the key being finding their deepest insecurity and coating it with sugar. Since I learned how to make so many people feel good about themselves, they became dependent on me and consequently became powerless. Suddenly, I had access to any friend I wanted and had good chances of dating any girl I desired, swimming in a sticky pool of power, but I had never felt so depressed in my life. No matter how much recognition I got, I always needed more. In other words, I was a deep-rooted narcissist, having to control everyone and treating them as self-objects—constantly needing more pawns. Once I became aware of this, I despised this selfish person I had become, leading to an eternal loop of self-hatred, which pushed me to almost jump off a ledge. Since I had no one to cultivate a strong backbone or thick skin within myself as a kid, when I was bullied by peers, rejected by girls, and told I was dumb by teachers, I took it so personally that my whole identity became proving all those people wrong. It wasn’t a choice for me; I had to show the world that I could be that guy I always knew I could be—a traditional alpha male. But once I got there and realized how toxic and depressed I had become—I immediately sought salvation.
Although my case was more extreme than most, it’s important to recognize whether you have the ingredients of a serious narcissist and properly face that reality if it rings true, saving yourself and those around you from immense pain. On the other side, all of us have narcissistic tendencies, such as posting duck-face selfies and thinking everyone is enamored with our pouty, artificial lips. More seriously, consider times where you have used people as a mere means to benefit yourself, or moments where you have refused to agree with a group’s decision, like watching a movie or choosing an activity. And finally, the most common narcissistic trait of our time, remember a moment where you have seen your own belief as superior to others’—making them feel bad for thinking differently than you. These moments of exaggerated self-importance are narcissistic capsules of time and can be reduced through awareness. Thus, for all ranges of narcissism one can face, consider these strategies to fight your inner narcissist and live life in a more peaceful, less judgmental manner.
REDUCE SELF-IMPORTANCE
We too often think the world revolves around us. A classic example of this is the way we choose to listen to people. When we hear someone yapping about an issue, we don’t just listen to the words and try to understand the person, but we are thinking about what we are going to say next, and how the person in front of us may perceive the words. How can we properly listen to and understand someone if all of that is going on in our heads at the same time? The quick answer is: we cannot; we are just making the conversation about ourselves. To counter this common narcissistic habit, practice simply listening to someone else’s words. Feel their emotions and understand the pain behind the phrases. Take yourself out of the equation as best as possible. Ask them questions digging deeper into the topic at hand, sparking a genuine curiosity in the other person. Not only will it be interesting to uncover the true nature of somebody else, but people will like you more if they feel like you are genuinely interested in them. Put it this way, do you respect the loud, obnoxious person at the dinner party more than the interesting, intelligent, curious person who selectively chimes in? The loud person thinks his presence means more than everyone else, while the quiet person who asks good questions realizes they mean no more than anyone else. The former will give you some laughs along with feelings of annoyance, but the latter will make you feel recognized, heard, and important. Sit with how much more seen the more observant person makes you feel and remember that next time you catch yourself trying to be the center of attention. Observe those overly loud people in the room and try to act opposite to them; they need attention and have a young, hurt child crying within them, leading them to overcompensate to forget the pain. They are not doing nearly as good as they present.
Along with moments like being the center of attention at a social gathering, take note of times where you are prioritizing yourself too much. Yes, it is important to love and care for yourself, but that is not what I am talking about here. I am honing in on moments where you put yourself way above others around you and make their lives harder because of it. For example, projecting your sadness or victimhood onto others because deep down you wish to make them feel the same way you do. Or hearing a political opinion you do not agree with and making the other person feel like a terrible, stupid person for their belief. And even on the contrary, where people around you have a common political opinion and you feel the need to be contrarian and suck up all of the attention. To combat this habit, become aware of when your mind is asking you to put yourself above everyone else. I can’t believe these people think the last season of Game of Thrones was terrible. Fuck these people, let me make them feel inferior because of this opinion. Let thoughts like that play out, but do not act on them. Take those narcissistic thoughts as tokens that you need to do some work on yourself. Since I lived with these recurring thoughts for years of my life, I figured out some habits to help fight them: rigorous exercise and reducing comfort when possible.
Through hard physical training, you get to know the voice in your head that demands comfort and a cessation of strenuous work. Whenever I’m lifting heavy weights, little chicken Lucas starts talking to me around set four or five, telling me I need to stop or else I will pass out. Nothing gives me more pleasure than laughing at that voice and proceeding to do an extra five sets. Through pushing past this mental loop of comfort, you get to realize that your brain is your biggest enemy; it has no fucking idea what you are truly capable of. Often, our narcissistic voice demands comfort through a satiation of our ego. I can’t believe that person made fun of me. I’m going to make them feel even worse about themselves. That seductive thought and pit inside our stomach push us towards committing a bad action like the one above. But through cultivating the willpower to bypass emotional satiation and defeating thoughts through strenuous exercise, we start getting better at not acting on those triggers, leading to less narcissistic behaviors. (Side note: go to the gym in baggy sweats, not in clothing that makes you stand in front of the mirror the whole time staring at your muscles. Any person who does that radiates narcissism).
FLIP THE SCRIPT
Those who had similar upbringings to me—filled with parental abandonment—tend to develop the narcissistic tendency of pleasing people through manipulation, seeking the love they missed out on in their childhood. Since we had to constantly read our parents for signs of positive emotions or a glimpse of love towards us, we got good at instinctually reading people. This skill gets cultivated through time and is perfected once adulthood arrives. We can see others’ emotions or intentions faster than most people, which allows us to try and capitalize off of them for our own good. For example, if I saw a girl at the corner of a party slightly hunched over, looking down, and folding her arms, I would immediately know her insecurities. The folded arms suggest a need for self-love, which she is severely lacking, meaning she has low confidence. The slight hunch and looking down signify anxiety and shame in a social setting, suggesting she either experienced a form of socialized bullying growing up or abusive parents who made her question her every motive. Understanding these woundings through observation, I now know what to tell her in order for her to feel enamored with me. I start the conversation by telling her that I either love her choice of shoes or color of lipstick, allowing her to feel more comfortable with not just her looks but her creative choices, fueling confidence in her capabilities. Next, I can emphasize how funny or engaging she is later on in the conversation, showing her she can socialize better than she thinks. And finally, I introduce her to my friends to make her feel like I accept her as a person to the highest degree. Now, she feels ready and excited to be my friend, as do I. However, as a narcissist, I only did all of that to show myself that I can make anyone love me, satisfying my grandiose self-importance. What if I were to tell you there is a way to use this manipulative gift for good, becoming a healthy narcissist?
Instead of reading people to serve you as a self-object, you can learn to use that gift of psychoanalysis for more positive outcomes. For instance, you recognize someone is in pain, and instead of thinking of them as easy bait to receive admiration, you can take yourself out of the equation and try to help them without any expectations. With the girl at the party, instead of manipulating her pain for your benefit, you can recognize that she could use some love, so you give her that without any other intentions. But not just like some random person giving her a hug, you know what she is dealing with, so you can utilize that gift to make her feel even better about herself than most can. On another note, healthy narcissists can become great leaders. By being able to emotionally read your staff, you can recognize if you are creating too much stress or not enough in the work environment. Furthermore, you can see what your employees’ limits truly are, helping them reach as high as they can and recommending they wind down when they are going beyond their capacity. Lastly, you can use healthy narcissism to save yourself from assholes with dark intentions. Everyone wears a mask in society, especially narcissists, as you know best, so if you know how to read beneath the mask, then you can see people for who they really are, anticipating catastrophic actions before they happen. This skill is highly useful in any business or social setting. So use your gifts to trust people for who they really are and save yourself from the painful shock of ignorance. As the great DMX powerfully said, “Trust a snake to bite you.” Learn to recognize those hissing snakes around you and retreat as they slither.
LAUGH AT YOURSELF
The levity of laughter created by comedy is one of the most healing properties in the world. Not only is laughter itself a form of uplifting your mood, but laughing about yourself is a key to fighting the ego, and consequently, your narcissistic tendencies. Many successful comedians get up on stage and make jokes about their bad habits or painful life experiences. Consider Richard Pryor’s infamous jokes, “I’m not addicted to cocaine. I just like the way it smells.” Or “I believe in the institution of marriage, and I intend to keep trying until I get it right.” Like Pryor, using your painful experiences as comedic material can soothe the darkness of a bad situation, like drug abuse or marriage problems. Not only this, but joking about painful situations can also prompt those around you to do the same, eliciting a cathartic experience for those involved. Lastly, joking about the things in life that you feel the most shame about can take away that toxic, heavy pit in your stomach, since you are expressing a repressed pain with the levity of laughter.
Laughing at yourself does not have to be restricted to a group setting; I actually think it’s more important to laugh at yourself alone like a crazy person. Whenever narcissistic thoughts enter my head, such as scenarios of revenge or eliciting power, I compassionately laugh at that wounded mental loop and treat it as if a cute little baby is throwing a fit. Shame is poisonous to healing; you must make friends with your dark side to see any sign of progression. Through laughing at your dark mental loops and selfish thoughts, you feed lightness to darkness, which proves more effective than feeling shame and consequently ridiculing a side of yourself.
LET GO OF YOUR GRUDGES
Envy feeds narcissism and stems from being wronged in one way or another. So look back at the biggest wounds and setbacks in your life. The deepest layer is your relationship with your parents. Were you as loved as you needed to be? Did they treat a sibling with favoritism? Were they present when taking care of you? Investigate these questions thoroughly as they color the lens in which you view life. A distant and cold mother can lead you to vigorously search for love and never feel satisfied once you obtain it. An absent father too obsessed with work can result in a lack of order, leading to a more chaotic upbringing. If you grew up with a parent instilling this much pain in you; they become your biggest enemy. Everything you do in life will be an unconscious effort to either spite them or praise them. This plays out in relationships, where one side either refuses to accept love or needs it so much to a point where they get overly needy. Beyond romantic relationships, if you failed to receive adequate love growing up, you will need it from others at a higher degree than most, leading to narcissistic tendencies of manipulation to get admiration. Since this behavior stems from the relationship with your parents, if you start to let go of that deep-rooted anger for your mother or father, the need to fill the hole they left behind starts dwindling down. In terms of envy, you can actually use it to find where your wounds lie. If you find yourself envious of the popular person in your social clique, then at some point in your life you felt like a social pariah. It could have stemmed from not receiving much attention from your parents growing up, but it may come from an experience with a bully, leading to the second layer of grudges we must attempt to let go of: acquaintances.
Now, reminisce of moments where a friend, teacher, or coach made you feel worthless, specifically in the form of verbal abuse or manipulation. The younger you were when this painful moment occurred, the more ingrained the pain becomes in your body. Those people have now become your masters, motivating your every move as a way to prove them wrong or get back at them, but that does not have to be the case. If their bad behavior dictates your progression, then they own all of you. Why give them all that power? If you hand them that dominion over yourself, then you will start treating others as a mirror to get back at them. For instance, if a romantic interest rejects you and leaves you heartbroken, then the next attractive person you obtain feelings for will act as a vehicle for revenge. The only antidote to this chaotic behavior is acceptance and forgiveness. Acceptance in the sense that we cannot change what happened and should not ponder what would have happened if the situation played out our way. Accept the painful event and use the lesson to come back stronger for yourself, but not as a way to prove anyone wrong. Next, forgiveness allows you to surgically exorcise that vengeful pit in your stomach and stop allowing it to dictate your actions; use envy as a signifier to what situations with acquaintances may have created a grudge within you—directing you toward those who need forgiving. For example, if you feel envious about the athletic success of a friend, then maybe a previous coach made you feel worthless about your own capabilities; that awareness can lead you to tend to your wound and stop allowing it to unconsciously dictate your life.
