HOW TO UTILIZE YOUR PAIN
1 JANUARY 2021 (10 MIN READ)
I spent years doing whatever I could to run away from my pain. Due to the severity of my feelings, I felt as if I could not deal with them in my sober mind. Anxiety would leave me in a state of paralysis, unable to engage with anything. Depression would leave me so miserable that I would see no point in living. I believed my only way out was through powerful tools of repression, such as Xanax, weed, and alcohol. Although I thought they would make my life easier, they were nothing but a quick fix, setting me back in my self-discovery journey. I thought my pain would never serve me any purpose in life. In reality, we can use our pain to motivate ourselves and our career choices. But in a superficial society addicted to immediate gratification, people choose to suppress pain by any means necessary. Whether it be by hiding your physical insecurities through a million likes or pouring yourself another drink, we’ve become quite skilled at numbing our pain. However, this alleviation is only temporary.
I’m worried this generation is heading in the wrong direction. Popular belief about life priorities says put your career first; while others believe in putting love first. Both of these perceptions are misguided: I believe it’s necessary to always put yourself and your mental health first. I only fully understood who I was once I explored the suffering I was trying to hide from. This allowed me to finally understand my career ambitions and select healthier romantic partners. If you come to terms with the pain you are in, I promise your future spouse or boss will thank you for it. Here are some strategies that have helped me better understand as well as cope with my pain:
GET ON THE ROLLER COASTER
Often, when the pangs of life enter your conscious mind, they lead to a flood of negative thoughts and feelings stemming back to the causal experience. For example, if you see a lover making out with someone else, reminiscing on that memory may cause you a lot of pain. This can come in the form of emotional sadness or anger. However, the thoughts that accompany those feelings are the real demons we try to run away from.
In this scenario, you can become increasingly hard on yourself by questioning your shortcomings: in what ways are you inadequate relative to the person who was with your beloved? Why weren’t you enough for them? Feelings of pain often trigger a highly negative, critical form of self-reflection. These suffocating thoughts are what lead people to distract themselves through nefarious means. Whether it be by having meaningless sex with a stranger or snorting a line of coke, we all have our own coping mechanisms. But the most successful way to deal with pain is to take it out for a spin. The longer we push it aside and distract ourselves, the more it grows, as well as the negative thoughts that come with it. Blocking out pain does not allow us to grow as human beings.
What exactly do I mean by “take your pain for a spin?” First, close your eyes and take thirty deep breaths into your belly. This relaxation technique allows for your emotions to calm down and invites rational thinking. Now, you can hopefully lessen the severity of your pain and deduce where it’s coming from. Often, we make too big of a deal out of something minor. For instance, if you made a move on a romantic interest and they declined, automatically feelings of insecurity kick in, and we can feel quite anxious as well as upset. But, deep down, what is there to be upset about beyond a hurt ego? Perhaps this is actually a blessing in disguise. Instead of wasting weeks or months trying to form a relationship with this person, we may have saved ourselves a lot of time and pain because they may not have valued us for who we are. By calming our nerves and introducing a logical perspective, we can gauge the severity of our pain, which gives us the chance to grow. If we notice that something minor like rejection is causing us pain, we can take a step back and address our own insecurities. Each time you become aware of that same wounding, the more it will subside over time. But what do we do when the tsunami comes? By that, I mean serious life trauma that makes you feel like you are drowning.
Lots of New Age thinking, grounded in a questionable understanding of quantum physics, teaches you to immediately turn something negative into something positive and never sacrifice your “high vibration.” This philosophy will land you in a loop of self-denial, leaving you without an opportunity to grow. So please, never ignore your pain, especially the situations that hurt the most. Just like people smell the roses when they seek pleasure, take in and smell the steaming hot pile of shit in front of you. It will undoubtedly feel horrible, but you cannot move on from severe pain until you acknowledge how far it reaches.
To understand its extent, reflect on how the trauma may be tied to previous negative experiences and childhood pain. Perhaps you are in danger of failing a class, which launches you back to past experiences of your parents lecturing you about grades, resulting in feelings of deep insecurity and disappointment. Pain does a fantastic job of reminding us of the wounds we have not yet healed. Once you have come to terms with the extent of that agony, you need to feel it out.
I know this is the last thing you want to do, but bear with me. Really feel the emotion that is residing within you and tap into the younger versions of yourself that still need healing. If it’s your four-year-old self who needs love from a parent, you need to feel out that sadness and tell your four-year-old self that he’s loved. You can’t talk a four-year-old out of tears; you merely have to wait until they are done crying. There is a mature beauty in this ability to feel our emotions. And the lingering wounds from our youth allow us to tap into it. If pain has transferred from an older version of yourself, such as a teenager with a broken heart, tell them everything is ok now and remind them how much you have progressed. Once you have gotten on the roller coaster of your collective sadness, it’s time to express your feelings.
EXPRESS YOURSELF
First, make sure you do not beat yourself up for feeling pain. Many of us develop a self-critical loop about feeling bad, like calling ourselves weak or thinking that these feelings define us. I will tell you something to prove that illogical negative feedback wrong, and please always go back to it in these moments: when we feel happy, do we get mad at ourselves for feeling that way? No! We shamelessly soak up our joy as much as possible until it fades away. Like happiness, sadness is an essential emotion ALL human beings feel; it just sucks a little more. But if we embrace that sadness and correctly release it, happiness will come more frequently. To properly feel happy, which I believe results from an overall satisfaction with your life, one has to embrace negative feelings.
We need to ride these feelings out, but how do we bring the ride to an end? Once you can localize your pain and trace it back to previous versions of yourself, really connect with that younger self. Properly place yourself in those shoes, feel your agony, and understand why you were hurting so bad. Once these three steps have been completed, it’s time to release. When one is depressed, one has repressed many things which need to get expressed. I believe one half of expression is understanding our depression and the other half entails using that knowledge to properly release it. Personally, I like going into the shower, temporarily becoming my younger self, and throwing a temper tantrum. Scream about what you have been repressing, stomp and flail your fists, and wail like a baby. I can guarantee you will come out feeling like you have lost thirty pounds.
Another useful strategy is to get vulnerable with those closest to you. Many of us believe human connection revolves around discussing politics, global events, or other people; however, everyone possesses their own opinions on the matter, leading to more of a divide. On the other hand, everybody has negative feelings, so discussing them only leads to more connection. Nobody will get triggered knowing you have been feeling down; they will respond to you with love and potentially open up to you as well. All you have to do is allow yourself to feel vulnerable and let them love you. Additionally, knowing that your loved ones also feel pain from time to time makes you feel less alone in your journey.
To my male readers, you are not a beta if you embrace your sadness; acknowledging your pain and releasing it will get you closer to becoming the alpha you so admire. If we keep dragging around our collective pain, it will latch on to those closest to us as well, pushing them away and leaving us with nothing. So stop casting your trauma aside and accept the challenge; it will only make you stronger.
CREATE A PATH
Oprah Winfrey—America’s favorite talk-show host turned global titan—has achieved immense success over her career, all while spreading kindness and positivity. Considering her past, this must have been no easy feat. Oprah grew up in a cramped two-bedroom apartment with a tirelessly working mother, which resulted in frequent external supervision. Among these people she thought she could trust were her uncle, her mother’s boyfriend, family friend, and babysitter, all of whom sexually abused her at a young age. Like many victims of sexual abuse, she blamed herself for what happened and did not tell a soul. This led to severe repressed pain and insecurities. In a failed attempt to release her pain, she began rebelling in high-school through attempted escapes from home and sleeping with older men. This behavior resulted in her getting pregnant at fourteen and consequently losing the baby—another deep wound added to the body.
Oprah could have easily succumbed to her pain and turned to methods of escape, such as drugs. Instead, she became a beacon of light for those most in need. Although she went on to have one of the most iconic shows in American history—which would be enough for most people—she also used her influence to heal and help others. Oprah testified about her troubling experiences in childhood to assist in the development of a National Child Protection Act, which got passed by Congress and was referred to by many as the “Oprah Bill.” Additionally, she has dedicated episodes of her show to childhood sexual abuse, amplifying repressed voices, and reducing the stigma.
In summary, Oprah turned a horrific, painful youth into a vehicle for developing a life purpose: shining light on those who are suffering in the dark. Although it may seem unfathomable to use your pain for good, allowing it to guide you and teach you life lessons will result in a much more rewarding life.
Healing others who are suffering the same way you once did is the ultimate form of expressing repressed pain. We are all living creatures with wounds invisible to the naked eye; if you inspire someone else to no longer hide theirs, both of you will feel freer. When you have genuinely understood where your emotional pain is coming from, simply ask yourself, how can I use this for good? What can this teach me? How can I become a better version of myself? Pain is often a gift wrapped in thorns. Once we find a way to remove the spikes, we will find the treasure hidden beneath. And it’s on us to share that treasure with those who need it most.
So, for the sake of your wellbeing and the loved ones around you, follow the steps you have just read. If you have made it this far, you have taken the first leap in proving that you have the will to change. Next time the beautiful monster of pain creeps up on you, first recognize where it is coming from and connect with that feeling. Although this is painful, I am now giving you an excuse to throw a temper tantrum and act like a baby. We have to express the feelings that have been repressed or they will stay inside of us. Lastly, when you feel better, use that newfound inspiration to guide your life and help those who are struggling. Following this guidance will result in resilience, a gradual ability to toss your pain aside, and a happier life.
