THE ARGUMENT FOR THERAPY AND HOW TO DO IT CORRECTLY
12 JANUARY 2021 (12 MIN READ)
Many see Michael Phelps as one of the greatest, fiercest athletes of all time. With twenty-three Olympic gold medals to his name, those labels are definitely earned. However, behind that mask of dominance exist vulnerable mental health conditions, such as anxiety and depression. Following the 2012 Olympics and his consequent retirement, Phelps contemplated ending his own life. This suicidal ideation puts into perspective how success cannot cancel out depression; it is a beast of its own that can swallow you at any given moment. His intense dedication to swimming provided an escape from his pain. Once he could no longer run away, he had to face his demons, and they were too big and scary to take down by himself. After sitting in his bedroom for about five days straight, sulking in his depression, he decided to reach out for help. This help came in the form of therapy, which Phelps credits as saving his life.¹
Although therapy is a massive aid in mental development, it does not eradicate all feelings of anxiety and sadness. Think of yourself as an old car with a faulty part. The vehicle is your body, and the defective part is intense anxiety or pain. That defective part can be fixed with the right tools, but the chances of it becoming damaged again are relatively high. But knowing how to use the tools to fix it when it breaks down is all you can really do. If not, the car's damaged component can bring down the whole vehicle, rendering it useless. Therapy gives you the tools to aid your mental health and reminds you to never let one faulty part bring you down. Without it, one will find it harder to locate the root of their issues and could break down over time.
Before you step into the scary, unknown territory that is therapy, I have laid out positive attributes to try and hone in on, as well as traps that many patients fall under.
BECOMING AWARE
Throughout my website, I will frequently mention the power of awareness, specifically, the importance of developing an awareness loop in your mind. Before therapy, I was a bumbling ball of emotion, uninterested and unprepared to know where it was coming from. This led me to live my life guided by emotion rather than understanding the pain behind it. I would easily lash out at people, turn to drugs, or do whatever it took to make myself feel better, even if that entailed fucking over my friends in the process. In my experience, a person constantly overruled by emotion can become irrational and untrustworthy. Thankfully, through time, one can start noticing why certain emotions arise within them and use that information to not allow their feelings to control them.
For example, take a man whose mother frequently yelled at him for leaving his dishes or glasses unwashed, but he could not get mad at her, or else he would get a belt to the ass. Now, when his wife asks him to do the same thing, that same anger he experienced as a kid transfers to his wife, leading to a harsh response. Before knowing this information, he allowed the anger to frequently get the better of him; however, once he became aware of where his rage was coming from, he started rationalizing the frustration and treating her with more respect. The easiest way to develop this awareness of where our emotions stem from is through treatment. In other words, to stop being an asshole, you should really go to therapy.
Beyond emotions, one can also become aware of why harmful desires come up and be less likely to reward them. As a recovering addict, understanding why I gravitated towards drugs has saved my life and kept me from relapsing. One specific situation where I would feel the need to get fucked up was at parties. Once I realized that desire was rooted in the need to feel validated due to social anxiety, I knew drugs were not the answer to cure that wound. Intoxication may have helped in the short-term, but without looking at the long-term goal of truly obtaining confidence, I would have kept returning to drugs. By going to therapy, one can begin developing their internal awareness, leading to an exponentially improving version of themselves.
CLEARING HEADSPACE
According to a neuroscientific study conducted at Queen’s University, it is estimated that humans average over six thousand thoughts a day, even if they have slept eight hours.² This shocking statistic highlights how trapped in our minds we all are, leading to an inability to stay in the moment. Unfortunately, staying present is one of the critical strategies in warding off anxiety and depression. I believe anxiety is rooted in fear of the unknown, which leads our anxious brains to create future scenarios to give us a false sense of security, even if the made-up situations cause more anxiety. For instance, if a loved one does not answer the phone for a long time, we tend to jump to the worst-case scenario, such as being injured or kidnapped. (Yes! That includes me). This all too familiar situation is a result of not allowing ourselves to live in the moment. Whereas depression entails fixating on the past and refusing to start fresh, which also takes us out of the present. To reduce the amount of bombarding thoughts flying through our brains and become more mentally healthy, we have to clear some headspace.
In my opinion, the best way to accomplish this is through therapy. Not only do you get to release what you were consciously repressing, but therapists help guide you into your unconscious brain, where crazy shit exists that you had no idea about. Surprisingly, this pain you had no clue existed is the real Achilles’ heel in your emotional wellbeing. Once you get into the habit of releasing repressed pain every week, you leave your session feeling like you have shed mental weight. Consequently, after clearing your mind, you will begin noticing more presence and less anxiety.
ACCEPT THE HELP
We cannot expect somebody to change us if we do not want to change ourselves. A strong stigma exists around therapy, especially for men. People believe treatment is for crazy people or those who have lost total control. Like many, this incorrect assumption is what stopped me from getting help for years. However, therapy can be useful for every person globally; they just have to accept that they need some help first. Due to the powerful stigma of mental health treatment, many people go into sessions guarded, refusing to acknowledge that they need assistance. Although seemingly clever, this strategy is a defense mechanism that will leave the therapist unable to aid them. Furthermore, it is an excellent way to incorrectly prove to oneself that therapy does not work.
Consider a good friend of mine who was struggling with anger and depression. His close friends and family urged him to go to therapy, but he believed he did not need help and only went to shut everyone up. He went to a couple of sessions resistant to change, did not improve, and concluded that therapy is a scam. This story happens all too frequently. If you ever go to therapy, please make sure you understand that we could all use some help. If you do not want to change and believe your mind is totally fine, please reconsider your thought process. To those people, know that everyone struggles, and everyone could benefit from mental assistance. Alongside accepting help, being patient is a crucial component of successful therapy.
PATIENCE
When I first arrived at therapy, I was mentally broken and looking for immediate salvation. I thought after one session, I would magically cure myself of all my anxiety and depression. I eventually realized there is no way to completely rid yourself of negative feelings; you just have to get better at dealing with them. Therapy allows you to do this, but it is a prolonged process, like many great things in life. In sports, business, or any activity, true mastery begins through countless failures and repetition; the same goes for therapy and your mind. Unfortunately, I have heard multiple stories of people trying out one session but then failing to go back because that sole meeting did not change them. Do you think Michael Jordan took his first jump shot, missed, and thought it was over? No. He kept shooting until he won six championships and ten scoring titles. Start treating your mind and therapy this way, and you will start putting up real numbers as well. And by numbers, I mean mastering your anxiety, depression, attention, and overall thought process.
Like refusing to accept help, this inability to allow the process to unfold is another trap that keeps people away from therapy. Simply put, you need to trust the process and have faith in yourself. I skipped this step, and relentlessly asked my ex-psychiatrist for pills because the sessions were not curing me fast enough. This impatience kicked off a heinous addiction to prescription medication that almost took my life. I pay for this mistake every day; I wish I could get back the years I lost to addiction. I believe the more damaged you enter therapy, the longer it will take for you to start feeling better. Thus, many bad therapists get impatient with difficult patients and prescribe potent drugs to do their work, which leaves those patients thinking medication is the only answer to their pain. To avoid therapists like this, consider the next section about how to choose the right match.
THE IMPORTANCE OF A GOOD MATCH
This may sound fucking crazy, but bear with me. People should treat finding a therapist like finding a healthy romantic partner. In searching for a suitable romance, we need to know what we’re looking for. For instance, something casual, something serious, or something in between. Lay your cards on the table early on, and you will save yourself a lot of time and pain. If you fail to tell a fuckboy you want something serious, then chances are you will get in too deep before you have an opportunity to save your heart. The same goes for therapy; one should go in knowing what they want help with. If not, the therapist will not allow you to become the best version of yourself, and you will suffer in the process. Whether it be overthinking, suicidal thoughts, or healing trauma, one should tell their therapist what the deal is. That way, the doctor can see if they are best suited to help you with your troubles. If they are not, then on to the next. When I first had a bad experience with a therapist, I did not tell her what I was struggling with; I shrugged my shoulders and told her to do the work. Since that worked out so disastrously, I have since told every potential therapist what I needed help with and asked what their qualifications were within that department. Using this strategy landed me an incredible doctor who specializes in healing addiction issues.
Once this step has been completed, make sure you feel comfortable around your therapist. Just like in love, in therapy, you need to feel safe getting vulnerable with your dance partner. Or else you will not be able to speak your complete truth and may suffer in the process. If your therapist is some creepy dude who keeps staring at your tits, run the fuck away. Other than that, if it has been multiple sessions and you still do not feel comfortable, find someone else. Fancy doctorates and convincing rhetoric are the external sexy looks. Still, it’s the internal deeper connection to pay attention to in relationships and in therapy. However, it is essential to note that comfort may take time, so do not quit immediately.
How much do you hate getting controlled and spoken down to in a relationship? I’m assuming a lot because it really fucking sucks. And if we continue to allow it, then we begin to lose ourselves in the process. Like toxic partners, many therapists develop a God complex and give their patients all the answers before they are ready to hear them, removing autonomy from the patient. Therapists are supposed to guide their patients slowly to make their own realizations. Suppose they give patients the answers too fast. In that case, the patients will not truly learn anything in the process and view themselves as dumb, making the therapy useless. For example, one of my most significant wounds in life is being abandoned by my mother at a young age. (Don’t worry, we’re homies now). Although I knew I was tossed aside, I didn’t realize how it royally fucked up my dating life. Through multiple sessions discussing my messy romantic escapades, my therapist guided me to realize the root of the failure. Obtaining that awareness changed my life, but it felt so much more impactful coming to that conclusion myself. So watch out for cocky therapists who treat their patients no better than shit on their shoes.
After getting our hearts broken, we have all thought about never falling in love again. How long did that last? Not too long, I hope, or else you’re missing out on life’s greatest offering. Although it is essential to take time to heal, we need to eventually bounce back and put ourselves out there again. Many of my friends have ruled out therapy because their first therapist was a terrible match, overriding the whole enterprise. Akin to love, one should not allow one lousy relationship to cancel out a significant component of life. If you do not get along with your first therapist, just find a new one. It seems so challenging and frustrating in the moment, but your future self will thank you for it. Always take that chance on yourself.
REFLECTION
Finally, take time to reflect on what you learn about yourself in therapy. This means opening up your journal and writing about the topics previously covered in sessions; I bet you will have a lot to report that you did not manage to say. Not only does this method further engrain the realizations made in therapy into your head, but it shows you if they are undeveloped and necessitate more conversation. Eventually, your journal will become an instruction manual telling you how your mind works. Just like the notes we take in class, these personal writings should be studied regularly for the test to come. Only this time, that test is life, and there is no way of acing that motherfucker; we just have to give it our best shot. Also, when things are going wrong in life, you will always have your reflective journal to help ground you again. Not only will it provide instructions to deal with your triggers, but you can revisit moments where life was great and notice what went missing in the present.
