I SPENT COLLEGE CHASING A'S... HERE'S WHY I REGRET IT
4 SEPTEMBER 2020 (6 MIN READ)
INTELLECTUAL CONFIDENCE SHOULD NOT BE DERIVED FROM THE OPINIONS OF OTHERS
As somebody with learning disabilities who grew up with teachers telling me I would never amount to anything, my intellectual ego became fragile. Nevertheless, it built a chip on my shoulder and led me to work incredibly hard in high-school, but only so others would start recognizing me as intelligent. I wanted to be smart in the eyes of others because that feeling could never have come from within.
The hard work paid off and got me into a great college, but the pressure I put on myself there destroyed my mental health. My self-esteem became controlled by teachers; whatever letter they put on my paper dictated how hard I would be on myself until a new one came. Although I have a unique wounding surrounding my intellect, this pattern of grades dictating how one treats themselves is prevalent worldwide. Interestingly, the more prestigious the college, the more delicate students are surrounding their intellectual ego. If going to an Ivy-League school taught me one thing: no matter how smart you may seem on paper, you can still be a total idiot.
THE SLIPPERY SLOPE OF GRADES
After years of my mind operating on autopilot and never questioning my motives, I did whatever it took to get that A. However, once I started asking myself “why?”, I realized it was all rooted in deep insecurities. Most students continuously strive to get A’s because they cannot deal with other people viewing them as subpar. To most, getting a bad grade in academia translates to not being intelligent. This thought teaches students to derive satisfaction and confidence from others’ opinions, which is a terrible habit. Real maturity comes once we break this and learn to exude confidence from within. So why does college—a place that is supposed to shape us into an adult—teach us to derive our esteem from the opinions of others? Simply put, the whole system is messed up; it’s a breeding ground for insecure assholes. The semester that I did the best in college was the semester that I hated myself the most; getting A’s was my last shot at redemption. If you are a college student and reading this anxiously, then good, it’s time to grow. Start asking yourself why you need to get straight A’s and why your mental state is dictated by the opinions of others. Don’t allow your insecurities to silence your intellect. The minute I started deriving intelligence from the school of life rather than an elite institution, my confidence and awareness skyrocketed.
HOW INTELLIGENCE IS MORE THAN GRADES
My mother and father have vastly different life stories; nevertheless, love unites them in every way possible. My father graduated top of his class at Brown University and uses his numerical knowledge to make a good living. On the other hand, my mother did not go to college and has never held a proper job. Since my dad was bringing home the cash and his GPA was one I looked to beat every day, I thought of him as the much smarter parent. My mother would sit at home and read all day, earning no money; therefore, I frequently saw her as an idiotic nuisance. However, after growing up and gaining perspective, I realized my mother graduated top of the class from the school of life.
The way she uses her pain to guide her makes her the most emotionally intelligent human being I know. All that time she spent reading, she was working on herself. She always understood that feeling intelligent should come from within, not from what some old fart decides to say about your useless essay. My mother continues to teach my father how to be human and come to terms with his past trauma. In my opinion, that is much more useful than my dad teaching her about stock options. From now on, I see my mother as the smarter parent, even though she never went to college. Once I came to this realization, I started focusing more on myself and dealing with my problems rather than putting all my attention onto trying to control what others thought of me.
LEARN FROM THE SCHOOL OF LIFE
Although I know how to understand complex works of literature and unpack their ideas into a cohesive, precise piece of argumentative writing, college never taught me how to unpack myself. I had an impressive transcript; nevertheless, I was a crumbling ball of depression and anxiety with zero self-awareness. I was a deeply selfish human being who numbed his pain through various unhealthy habits. However, I always defended my illicit actions with my grades, which ended up turning into a death wish (sorry brain and liver).
College students allow grades to become their metric of success in all facets of life. However, straight A’s only means you know how to kiss ass and organize your time well. It does not tell you anything about your emotional intelligence and self-awareness; I believe these are the most critical success metrics. Start measuring your intelligence off of these rather than grades, and I promise you will become even smarter. Back when I was in between studying hard and partying, I was on the same playing field as everyone else. Once I started investing more time in myself, I began separating myself from the pack.
The earlier you deal with your pain and trauma, the better the future will be. Not only will you be a happier person, but more significant opportunities and healthier people will start coming your way. Since you understand yourself better at a young age, you save lots of time and misery slugging through meaningless jobs, searching for a sense of self. Most people don’t realize that institutions such as schools and banks will not hand us a purpose; it has to come through our own soul searching. I currently hear nonstop complaining from my closest friends about how horrible their jobs are, watching angrily as their lives become slowly torn away. Like grades, money becomes a currency for them. If the paycheck has six figures, then all those negative feelings are forgiven, just like the A’s in college. If I did not break free from the dream I was being sold, that would have been me as well.
Wake up and start deriving confidence, intelligence, and meaning from your own mind. Allow yourself to get a B and remind yourself that you are more than your grades. How does an A in political theory compare with resolving a horrific past trauma such as abuse? It doesn’t. One gives you a temporary boost of morale and confidence, while the other breaks you free and shapes your career trajectory. Allow your pain to guide you, not letters on a page.
