IMPORTANT STEPS TO TAKE BEFORE YOUR NEXT RELATIONSHIP
16 AUGUST 2020 (9 MIN READ)
LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF BEFORE LOVING SOMEONE ELSE
Let’s get something straight: I am not some love guru who presents himself as the guiding light through the world’s plunging darkness. I have failed countless times, broken hearts, played manipulative games, and been stabbed in the chest with an ice pick.
However, with each painful experience and selfish mistake, I grew as a person and increased my self-awareness.
My love-life used to be rooted in an addictive need to prove that I was loved and accepted because I could not provide those things for myself. Once I came to terms with this, I realized that instead of focusing on superficial, external qualities such as beauty or status, I should look within first and heal my wounds. Without this self-reflection and awareness, I was simply walking into new relationships with deep scars on my body that slowly became harder to hide.
ADDRESSING YOUR PARENTAL WOUNDING
In romantic pursuits and relationships, unresolved issues from parental distance can wreak havoc. This phenomenon can be explained through Freud’s psychological phenomena called transference, introduced in Freud’s Studies on Hysteria. In essence, psychological experiences from the past, such as emotions or desires, are brought back and projected onto another individual in the present. However, in order for transference to occur, the recipient has to share similar characteristics to the person who evoked those emotions in the first place.
Take this example of a young bachelor whose mother frequently abandoned him at a young age, leaving him with an array of babysitters. When he was all alone most nights, he would get incredibly anxious and upset because he had no idea where his mother was. Although he loved her deeply, he was constantly looking for signs that she reciprocated his love. Two key things jump out here that end up getting transferred in the future: anxiety developed through relational distance and associating female love with abandonment. Thus, when presented with a new romantic interest who values her space and independence, just like his mother, this man will become incredibly anxious when she takes time to answer his texts or when he does not know where she is. The same applies when the gender roles are switched.
Many people with this upbringing tend to latch on to distant partners because that is how they learned to love. This pattern usually results in two types of problematic relationships: 1) the man becomes increasingly controlling and minimizes his partner’s independence; 2) the man has frequent anxious outbursts and feels he has to hide them to ensure his partner does not leave him.
This is no way to love.
As a child raised by multiple babysitters, I went on to develop both these kinds of relationships. I kept dating distant, unresponsive girls because that is the only way I knew how to love. Whenever a mature, independent female came my way, I freaked out because I could not handle being healthily cared for. Although receiving space from a romantic interest seems frustrating in the moment, pay attention to how much fonder you feel towards them when they come back. Reflect on if this is the only way you can develop feelings for someone—being in a relationship that is in a constant state of tug of war. Because it is not healthy to form a relationship off of transferred trauma.
Reminisce about your childhood and all the pain that came with it. The more you reflect and come to terms with those nights spent anxiously waiting for a parent, the more your future partner will thank you. If these issues are left unresolved, you will find it hard to give your partner independence, an essential aspect of a healthy, successful relationship. As Stephen Chbosky elegantly put it: “We accept the love we think we deserve.” If that love is rooted in distance and abandonment, then that is what you will receive.
NOT FALLING FOR THE POTENTIAL
Many of us treat love as an investment; we form relationships with attractive individuals hoping we can change them. Thus, like investing in a startup, we are putting our time and energy into a person, praying they turn out just like we want them too. As time goes on, one begins to fall in love with a partner’s potential, not who they truly are. Consequently, when the partner doesn’t break away from their bad habits, one loses patience and ends up calling off the relationship, equating to a waste of valuable time and energy. Usually, when one invests in changing their partner in order to suit their vision of who they want them to be, they are profoundly insecure and uncomfortable with themselves. They are not happy with where they are in life, and want to change themselves, but cannot find the courage to do so. Thus, they turn their attention to their romantic partners.
It’s not fair for you to shift your insecurities to your partner and try to dictate their lives. The first step one needs to take to avoid this dangerous path is to come to terms with who you are and what you want to accomplish. Reflect on if you are satisfied with your life and reaching your utmost potential. Suppose you continuously shift your attention to fixing others and not yourself. In that case, you will never find the answers to these complex personal questions. Once you feel like you are in a good place and not constantly criticizing everything about yourself, the need to change others, especially your romantic partners, will wither away.
Even if you firmly believe you can change someone, I guarantee this will never happen. People do not want to change; they unconsciously love their pain, and will not listen to anyone who tries to take it away from them. Change has to come from within. The best you can do if your partner has some qualities you don’t love is to accept them and understand that they may never change. All you can do is live your best life and love your partner for exactly who they are.
BEING ABLE TO DEAL WITH YOUR OWN ISSUES
Your romantic partner is not there to fix all your issues; they are there to offer support and love while you win your own battles. Once you depend on your partner to solve your problems, which many people do, you develop a parental dynamic with them and lose your sense of independence, as well as the ability to make thoughtful decisions for yourself. If a relationship is built off of this dynamic, it can be incredibly challenging to break away from. Here are some things you can do to avoid this:
GO TO THERAPY
Through therapy, you learn how to master your mind and work through your issues. Furthermore, instead of constantly going to your friends for advice, you bounce ideas off a trained professional. You quickly learn how the advice your friends and family once gave you were not worth as much as you thought; the answers were always within you. This feeling will also transfer to your partner.
LEAN INTO THE DISCOMFORT
Do not be afraid of pain. Instead of doing everything to fight it off, welcome it in with a warm cup of coffee. Sit with your pain, breathe through it, and come out stronger. Through repetition, you learn to depend on yourself to deal with your problems. Thus, when presented with a new partner, you will not need to rely on them to handle your pain.
SPEND TIME ALONE
The more you become comfortable with solitude and the unique, reflective thoughts that come with it, the less you will depend on other people to distract you from yourself. Establishing independence is crucial in a relationship. Without it, you and your partner mold into one destructive creature unable to deal with the painful, wonderful world we live in.
KNOWING YOUR MISSION
For many of us who see love as the most important goal in life, I have bad news: it is not. If you are fixated on the idea of being in love, and the fairy tale endings we have been manipulated to believe in, you will fall flat on your face. Our lives should not be dictated by the glamorous idea of falling in love; they should be ruled by what we feel our purpose is. Whether it be writing novels, crunching numbers, or helping kids around the world; find what makes you feel at peace. That should always be the priority. Once we start following that path, I believe love will find its way to us. And the further you get along that path, the more ready you will be for a genuinely independent, beautiful person. Love should complement our mission and motivate us to keep going, it should never always be the main priority.
THE DANGER OF TEXTING
Texting feeds off our increasingly superficial society, offering a version of ourselves that we want to be to win over a romantic interest. Just like we create a persona on social media that we hope others see us as; through texting, we can manipulate the wording to present an image of ourselves with which we are more comfortable. In a real conversation with someone we are attracted to, we don’t get to spend ten minutes crafting a perfect string of words; dialogue just comes naturally. That natural speech allows you to show who you truly are, which is how it should be. Your romantic partner should love the real you, not some image of who you want to be. However, through texting, that actual image of ourselves becomes blurred due to our fear of rejection. We try to “play it cool” or “be hard to get,” which only leads to hiding who we really are and the raw emotions that come with that.
In a courtship phase, I recommend steering away from texting and trying to focus on phone calls or voice notes. That way, both partners are more likely to present an authentic version of themselves, not some rehearsed one rooted in insecurity and manipulation. This strategy could lead to healthier connections where both partners understand each other and can communicate much more efficiently. If you find yourself constantly playing games over text and shoving your true self into the corner, reflect on why you are so scared of rejection. If you are afraid that your true self will push others away, it will. You have to practice becoming more comfortable with yourself and stop hiding.
This way, rejection will start feeling like a breath of fresh air. You will understand that your potential romantic partner does not accept you for who you actually are. And that is ok; I promise there are plenty of people out there who will. So please, avoid texting as much as possible; but if you do, just write the texts naturally. Don’t spend too much time thinking about how the message may damage your self-image.
In order to be ready for a successful, rewarding relationship, first, you have to learn to love yourself. This process is far from easy: it involves being honest with yourself and battling your inner demons. If these dark monsters continue to control you, they will latch on to your partner and terrorize them as well.
Combating them will remove the filter you have been putting on yourself and push forward nothing but raw authenticity. This way, any partner you decide to form a relationship with in the future will fall for who you truly are, resulting in a more honest, healthy connection.
