CHOOSE HOW YOU STEP UP
22 MARCH 2022 (18 MIN READ)
This article will be focusing on the difference between acting from a place of shadow versus light in our everyday lives. We all have pain that we carry with us. And for the most part, this pain unconsciously dictates how we show up in life. For instance, if you were bullied as a kid, you either become a bully or stand up for those who are bullied. This dichotomy reveals how the same pain can make you act from either shadow or light, in terms of using it to create more pain or utilizing it to save yourself or someone else from pain. Further, this deep pain we experience often shapes our whole identity, in the sense of what work we take on and the people we connect with. Again, your line of work and social circle can be bred from a place of shadow or light, such as having a job that reflects our trauma or making friends that treat us in the same harsh ways we treat ourselves. Showcasing this duality on a more relatable scale, consider the story of Batman:
Batman’s parents were murdered by a mugger in the fictional, crime-infested city of Gotham when he was a young child. Using this pain for good, he uses his anger towards crime to do whatever he can to fight it. In essence, saving others from the pain he experienced as a child—and continues to endure in his adult life. However, throughout the Batman films, we often see him battling his own darkness, questioning how violent he should get and who really deserves to die. But within these reflections, we often see him coming to the conclusion of prioritizing compassion and rehabilitation, balancing his shadow of vengeance with light in the process. This usage of light in combination with his pain allows him to reclaim the pain and step up from a place of light. This distinction is what separates him from villains such as the Riddler. The Riddler has a similar story to Batman, an orphan who grew up alone, but he uses that pain solely to hurt others—making them feel like he once did. In other words, the Riddler uses his pain to inflict pain on others. If Batman did not have his prioritization of compassion, hope, and believing in rehabilitation, he would be exactly the same as the Riddler. This ability to shift our deep pains and use them to step up from light is a process each human has to go through in order to stop acting from a place of shadow. In turn, reducing the chances of us causing harm to ourselves and others. Just like Batman has to constantly face his shadows and battle them to hold on to light, we have to go through a similar process with our own demons, or else we become like the Riddler.
Whether you like it or not, your pain and trauma will dictate the way you act and show up in the world, so you might as well use it for some good. To showcase the reality of this statement, here is my story of how I used to act from my pain, how I came to the realization that this was occurring, how I fought back, and how I used my traumas to positively fuel my identity and purpose.
MY STORY
The pain from my childhood fueled my identity in two specific ways: my treatment of women and my understanding of power. In terms of women, although possessing a beautiful heart, my mother was young and immature when she had me, leading her to abandon me at any chance she could so she could explore life herself. This set up a dynamic where, for my whole childhood, I was chasing my mother’s love and doing whatever I could to earn it. This ingrained a notion in me that I was not good enough or worthy of love from women. Fast forward to adulthood, and the same traumatic dynamic would play out unconsciously in my mind. This unconscious wounding would manifest as me chasing women who loved me to some degree, but had a hard time showing it—just like my mother did. This painful dynamic became like crack for me, attempting to seduce and manipulate any beautiful woman who fell under that criteria, continuously playing out my childhood trauma in the process. These relationships would either end in me chasing the woman away because I was way too needy or controlling, or me running away once the love became healthy, because I was not raised to love that way. After getting my heart broken repeatedly and causing too much pain to kind lovers, it finally hit me that I was acting out of trauma. It wasn’t easy accepting that the way I was taught to love was deeply unhealthy, but I knew I had to sit with it and change it to experience real love. Funnily enough, within this process of integrating my darkness, a deeper space for love was found inside me.
Because I became deeply aware of my traumas playing out through being needy, manipulative, and controlling, I became hypersensitive to not engage in those behaviors anymore, giving me a greater chance at experiencing healthy love in the process. To move past these feelings, I had to develop a relationship with the little boy stuck inside me, who just wanted somebody to love him. Through this exploration, I started gaining compassion for the pain I was in and through that love, I stopped blaming myself for the person I once was. If any part of yourself remains in shame, that component will never heal until you release the negative energy and lather it with compassion. In terms of releasing the energy, you have to rid yourself of the pain you have been holding onto for so long. Because once the energy of the trauma has been released, the less likely it is to unconsciously influence your behavior. Within this newfound place of compassion and acceptance of my shadows, I gained more sympathy for those unconsciously suffering from the same romantic wounds. Since I came out of this dark hole, and I’m not anything special, I knew that I could use this compassion created by shadow to fuel myself to help those stuck in that same dark tunnel. Thus, what was once entirely shadow—that which ruined my own life and hurt that of others—was able to transform into light through addressing and integrating the pain associated with the wound. What would have happened if I never looked inside and realized I was acting out of trauma? I would have been stuck in a place of acting from solely darkness. This is why, over anything, we have to make the darkness conscious to make any progress.
In terms of my relationship to power, my father tended to give me higher doses of attention and love if I dominated in an aspect of life, such as acing a test or scoring three goals in a soccer game. This was a reflection of how he only gave himself love and recognition if he was operating at the top. Speaking from experience, this is a deeply painful way to live, so I only have compassion for him now and hope he honors his beautiful heart more often. This competitive dynamic created a deeply insecure workaholic inside of me and almost drove me to the brink of suicide. Because my father only showed me so much love when I was “the best,” I internalized this pattern, and like him, only showed myself love when I was dominant. This meant that I only felt worthy if I got a 100% on a test, worked as many hours as humanly possible, was the most popular out of my friend group, or if I was dating the hottest girl. To get here, this amounted to me constantly focusing on what was going wrong in my life, which in short, is the secret sauce for becoming morbidly depressed. Furthermore, I actually did work all the time to get the perfectionist results my ego desired, living in a permanent state of burnout for years. After having to resort to high doses of Adderall, weed, and benzos to not kill myself and keep the work rate up, I finally realized that something dramatic had to shift. Thankfully, I came to the realization that my father wound was creating this lifestyle—that little boy just wanted his father to love him for who he was, not what he did. To heal this, I had to become the father for that little boy and love him for just existing, rather than only showing him love when he accomplished something. Gradually, over about two years of repeatedly doing this work, I now go into work saying I get to do this today, not I’ve got to do this. This reframing of language sounds like barely anything, but the vibrational shift it creates in you is beyond your imagination.
For the wound itself turning into light, I also used the recovery from the pain I experienced for twenty-one years of my life to motivate me to help others—so they don’t have to experience the same pain I once did. Additionally, I believe that to some degree, I will always be a perfectionist and a workaholic; it’s just who I am. So, I might as well use those traits to do some good in the world, rather than just serving my own ego and dark desires. Similar to the previously discussed mother wound, I would have been stuck in that terrible, self-deprecating, depressive state if I had not taken a step back and looked inside. Thankfully I did, or else I quite literally might not have been writing this today. The last point I want to make in this section is that when I acted from a place of shadow, I only received shadow in return, in the sense of my own pain and attracting people who were also in a similar place of pain as me. On the other hand, when I allowed the awareness of that pain to shift me into stepping up from light, I was only met with light in the process, with more joy arising in my life and healthier people holding my hand along the way.
The rest of this article lays out three key situations in which shadow manifestation can arise without our awareness, forcing us to unconsciously act from a place of shadow: wanting revenge, obsessing over political correctness, and moment to moment daily activities. I hope their explanations can help you become aware of when you are acting from a place of shadow.
REVENGE
Our egos want to hurt others the same way they hurt us. Validating this theory, I took part in a men’s healing workshop where everyone who was once a bully was asked to step forward. Then, when they asked for those who were bullied to step forward, the same men were included. Thus, they unconsciously wanted others to feel powerless in the same way they did. I believe this approach coats all facets of life. If we have not done the conscious work of coming to terms with our wounding, then we will ultimately unconsciously act out our desires for revenge—in the form of hurting people like we were once hurt. In terms of romantic patterns, this looks like running away from someone who cares about you because your parents ran away from you, or controlling a partner’s life because your parents were so controlling of yours. In essence, you repeat what you don’t fix, especially in romantic relationships. Putting this into action, whenever you see that your actions have hurt someone, take a step back and look into how someone else hurt you in a similar way in the past. I believe relationships are the easiest way to go about this process, because in those situations, we are especially sensitive to how we have hurt someone else. On a day-to-day basis, such as at work or with our buddies, we often look past the damage we inflict on others.
This reflection is the work it takes to shift from a place of stepping up from shadow and turning that to light. Let’s say your boyfriend wants to hang out with his friends, but you want to be with him that night, so you demand that he stays in and will fight to the death to get what you want. At its core, this is a reflection of one of two things: either your father was rarely at home—which creates an anxious attachment out of an unconscious fear of them never coming back—or your parents restricted your freedom as a kid and teenager. In terms of the former, you are prioritizing your pleasure over the robbed freedom of your partner, which is incredibly appealing—because as a kid, your father always won the competition. For the latter, because your parents loved you conditionally and controlled you, you now treat your partner the same way, since it’s how you learned to love. In both cases, the trauma of a hurt child is hurting their partner to enact some form of unconscious revenge on their parents. This is the blueprint for how to work through this:
First, recognize that you are about to do something that will hurt your romantic partner. This is the biggest step, because without this awareness we will remain in the unconscious hold of the ego. Next, once you reach this point of awareness, take a step back and locate the moment that caused the pain that is now dictating your behavior towards your partner—look at childhood moments where you would be in a similar position to that of your partner. Now, instead of hurting them like you were once hurt, save them from how you were once hurt. Use the newfound understanding of your childhood pain to not inflict the same damage on your partner, stepping up from your light in the process—in the form of compassion. This same process applies to all situations of revenge, especially with friends and family.
Another common form of revenge that gets focused on for all the wrong reasons is political correctness.
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS
The rise of political correctness definitely has its advantages, such as raising awareness surrounding the deep, unfair suffering of marginalized communities and the historically patriarchal, Caucasian powers that make it that way. Without this awareness, we would not be making the progress we are making, but unfortunately, we are now at a point where all that progress is starting to turn back in the other direction. The rise of Donald Trump and the push of the centrists towards the right is all a reflection of the negative effects of a hyper-politically correct society. I don’t think this reality has much to do with the messages of the movement itself, but rather the delivery and energy behind the sentiments. As previously stated, there’s a big difference between stepping up from shadow versus light, and currently, most people taking a politically correct stance are acting from a place of deep anger and desiring revenge. I am not arguing that the anger is not justified, but I will argue that the anger, if not dealt with properly, will fuel a desire to seek revenge, such as making those who made you feel oppressed suffer equally if not more than you once did. But by doing this, you just become what you once felt victimized by. In other words, you become the person who hurt you, and that’s a tough reality to face. So, what’s the other option?
As previously emphasized, one must integrate that traumatic shadow and combine it with some form of light, making sure to step up from that place more often than not. This could look like using the traumatic experiences to help children facing the same reality or using the experiences to create some form of art, which inspires others to be less hateful. What this does not look like is making white people feel like they are all monsters who deserve to live a life of constant suffering. It has been so easy to step up from this place of shadow because it gets rewarded and encouraged online, but the problem is that this unfortunate habit transcends to all facets of life. What I mean by this is that since you are becoming unconsciously used to acting from a place of darkness, and are not aware that you are doing so, you allow yourself to feel justified and inspired to always act from this place, which leads to more actions or intentions in your life stemming from a place of deep rooted anger.
Five years ago, I was living in a dark cloud of victimhood, anger, and self-hatred. I went to a high school where I was given a deeply accurate education of our nation’s history and the complex social justice issues we face in modern day America. I am thankful I was given this knowledge, but the intention behind the education was not solely to educate, but to create anger and victimization—making me feel as if I was never going to accomplish much because my parents are Hispanic immigrants and any mistreatment that should come my way would be a reflection of my skin color. This sentiment created the lens in which I viewed society—constantly searching for any moment where somebody could be treating me in an unfair manner or aggressively calling out any deviation from the “woke” vocabulary I had been taught. I was deeply angry at the world because I believed that all of it was angry with me. This then led me to act from a constant place of shadow, without any remnant of light. What once served as an innocent effort to create a more equal world created a miserable, hateful world for myself. These were probably the most depressive days of my life and I wish I could have known what I know now. Mentally residing on the other side today, I can firmly say this: acting from a constant place of anger will land you in a dark pit of depression, making your own life miserable and even worse for those around you.
I can promise that you can still make the change in the world you seek from a place of love and compassion. Even better, I can promise that you are likely to create greater change and be happier in the process. Put it this way: was it more helpful when your mother yelled at you for doing something dumb or sat down with you and lovingly discussed why you did what you did and held your hand as you made progress? I am not asking for everyone to lovingly hold racists’ hands and sing kumbaya at a fireplace, but I am asking for the process of change to not be all angry, dark, and accusatory—because it will only detract from the mission that needs to be accomplished: equality for all. A time and place exists for anger and loud demands for change, but what happens when that becomes the most popular mechanism used for advancement? A world full of darkness, since shadow can only be met with shadow.
MOMENT TO MOMENT INTENTION
Even deeper than revenge and political correctness, our intention can be rooted in shadow even for the most ordinary activities, such as sitting down to read a book or even taking out the trash. There’s this common phrase that says how you do one thing is how you do everything, and in terms of our own internal unconscious intentions, this could not be more true. What I mean by this is that how our parents bred us to view the world, consciously or unconsciously, will greatly contribute to the lens with which we view life, meaning that it can coat the way we approach anything. For me, my father’s way of treating me created a need for me to prove to everyone that I am worthy of dominating them. This unconscious mindset manifested internally as me constantly having to dominate myself, suppressing my inner voices for compassion, rest, and kindness, leading me to primarily reside in the shadow masculine traits of aggression and control. For others, such as women with a distant father, this could mean that most actions they commit are coming from a place of needing love and attention. Until we realize what’s primarily driving our motivation in life, we will be acting from a deep place of pain without even knowing. As I mentioned earlier in this paragraph, this maleficent intention can coat even the most trivial of things. For me, this can be needing to read a book as fast as possible or cook the best meal I possibly can, all rooted in the intention of having to be perfect. The problem with this is by constantly acting from these painful places, you are living from the past—unconsciously refusing to take part in anything occurring in the present moment.
To beat this problematic reality, you have to constantly check in with your intention before you do anything. Like consciously setting an intention for an activity, such as “I will watch TV to just chill out and relax,” as well as checking in with your body to see if it matches that intellectual thought. For instance, how can you chill out and watch television if your body is rampant with anxiety, or how can you have a pumped up workout if you are half asleep. This is where the power of the breath comes in. To calm down, you can breathe out twice as long as you inhale for about ten minutes, which will chill you the fuck out. And for energy, you can breathe in for twice as long as you exhale, giving you a ton of energy to tackle a task with. Getting even crazier, you can prime your body through breathwork to open up your capacity for love by doing a heart meditation. If you are taking your wife out on a date, this can be an excellent thing to do. In combination, consider an equation I like to think about before I take on an activity:
(conscious intention + awakened body) • awareness = an aligned reality
This equation suggests that an aligned reality is the result of the intersection of setting conscious intention and having an awakened body, in combination with awareness. Breaking this analysis down further, you must pair a conscious intention, such as cooking peacefully, with a body awakened to that intention, meaning that the body should be peaceful in order to carry through the intention to create a new reality for yourself away from the painful place of the past. But this reality cannot be made without awareness of your traumatic past and awareness of the state of your body, which is why one’s conscious intention and awakened body has to be combined with awareness to create an aligned reality. And once you find yourself away from your past, painful life, you can give room to a new form of light, which can start carrying through to every action in your life if you allow yourself to do the inner work diligently enough.
