TOXIC LOVE: HOW TO STAY AWAY
28 JUNE 2021 (15 MIN READ)
When we fall in love we tend to fall out of love. And that’s because the worst sides of ourselves come out when we let someone in. Anger easily coats our identity with thorns, jealousy leads us to treat our partners like our possession, fear makes us play out ludicrous scenarios of infidelity in our minds, and loneliness makes us wish our lover was always with us instead of living their own lives—all under the pseudonym of love. These negative emotions elicited by love ask the question: what really is love? If it incorporates all these crazy characteristics, then how could it be the thing that humans prioritize over everything else?
People don’t really understand what love is, but they definitely understand what toxic love is. Toxic love comes hand in hand with genuine love, because not only do our wounds get activated in love, but we accept the love we think we deserve, meaning that if we hate ourselves, we will attract someone who hates us and call it love. Because toxic love is so common, a separate definition of real love must get created: love is what you do despite what you feel. Since it is inevitable that the darkness in us will activate when we fall in love (more on that later), we have to heal those wounds without leaking them onto our partner. In other words, just because your partner indirectly triggers a past trauma, it does not mean that you get to treat them badly, but rather, it’s an invitation to show yourself how much you truly love them, since you have to act in spite of what you feel to honor them.
I had no idea this is what love consisted of. Due to people like Deepak Chopra, I always thought love was simply about being yourself and radically accepting the other person. Thus, any fault of mine had to have been accepted by my partner, or else she was being toxic. Or so I thought until I almost lost the love of my life. By not treating my wounds with a degree of distance and blaming her for my world of hurt caused by previous trauma, I almost pushed her away. Thankfully, I then realized that she was never the issue; it was always me, and I had to start battling my dark side to love her no matter how terrible I felt.
Love will bring out the worst in you. It’s up to you to take that pain, deal with it, and not drag your partner into it, or else you will develop toxic love. Always remember, love is what you do despite what you feel.
“People in love often become edgy, dangerous. They lose their sense of perspective. They lose their sense of humor. They become nervous, psychotic bores. They even become killers.” - Charles Bukowski
THE POWER OF THE ANIMA
Psychoanalyst Carl Jung—the greatest to ever do it—developed a powerful theory on love, explaining why the worst in us activates when we fall deep into it. Due to its complex nature, consider the tale of young Jimmy as a way to illustrate the theory without getting too technical. Jimmy was a sweet young kid with powerful curiosity, along with a high degree of sensitivity. His mother was a very feminine, caring woman, but her anxiety and depression got in the way of her being there for him. She loved the young boy so much that she was too scared of hurting him, leading her to find comfort in distance, and leaving the boy with an array of nannies. Due to his curiosity, Jimmy was always searching for answers in his mother as to whether or not she loved him. Additionally, he was never able to use her powerful feminine energy to understand his emotions and expel them. He was left to deal with his emotional pain all alone. Once Jimmy became an adolescent, he put on a tough, macho, hyper-masculine mask as an unconscious act of rebellion against his mother. I can be tough all by myself, crying is for babies. He went on to live in this manner for a couple of years, and then he fell in love. Once head over heels for his girlfriend, Jimmy started to constantly question her love for him, got angry when she was distant for too long, and lost the control he once had in repressing his emotions. In other words, he inherited the pain he had as a kid, only now it was more confusing and debilitating since he was supposed to be a tough guy. How did this happen?
Jimmy’s lack of mothering left deep wounding in his unconscious mind, especially since he was already born sensitive. The more he tried to rebel and take on the tough guy persona, the further his maternal pain fell into his unconscious mind. His lifestyle was all about forgetting the deep misery he experienced as a kid. However, once he fell in love, all that repressed pain came flying back up, transforming himself into the wounded child he once was. Since the pain was created through the love of his mother, his traumatic memories are coated in maternal love, meaning they can only get activated when a lover takes on the role of his mother. Thus, when he fell in love with a woman who replicated similar qualities of his mother, the ugly part of his unconscious mind he had spent so long repressing came flying back up. Carl Jung calls this part of one’s mind, the anima. The same pattern can occur through daughters and their fathers, only when the masculine area of the mind is activated it is called the animus. Also, the pain does not have to stem from the opposite sex parent. If Jimmy’s father was distant instead of his mother, he would have an animus instead of an anima, and a more masculine female lover would activate the same level of pain. So, how can we deal with this alien living inside of our minds?
The ultimate answer is radical acceptance of our pain and not trying to run away from it. Once the animus/anima is activated, it can be incredibly painful and confusing as we literally feel the same unprocessed trauma we did as a child. Hence, most people try to either distract themselves from it or run away from the relationship because they cannot handle the pain. And worst of all, many shift the blame of their traumatic agony onto their partner, pushing them away in the process. You must own your pain and not allow it to leak onto others. If your partner acts distant and triggers your wounding, you need to accept it and tap into the pain you experienced as a child. The animus can only get controlled through repetitive re-exposure, so take each moment it activates as a blessing to get stronger, adopting a growth mindset with each painful pang love presents you with. Although running away from the painful feelings love comes with often seems like the best option, that agony will return once you fall back in love. And who wants to live life alone? Take the opportunity to heal your childhood pain the moment the chance presents itself to you, because the longer you wait, the stronger the animus will get, and the harder your next relationship will be. Additionally, if left undealt with by the time you have children, they will inherit the same trauma, making them relive the pain that held you back for so many years. Don’t back down in the face of emotional pain. Lean into the suffering and allow your future self to live an easier life.
TREAT YOUR EMOTIONS WITH A DEGREE OF DISTANCE
As previously explained, love can bring out intense negative emotions, such as anger or jealousy. On one hand, as the theory of the anima points out, in a relationship you can tie triggered anger to a point of trauma from your past—making it more of a personal issue for you to become aware of, rather than a way to get pissed at your partner. However, that is way fucking easier said than done. Anger can make us do all types of crazy things that we regret, even if we can define why the anger occurred. Hell, I once yelled at a kid because he was taking too long on a pinball machine. At that moment I felt justified. Who the fuck raised this poor-mannered kid? Hopefully he learns his lesson. Then, an hour later, I felt a ball of shame growing in my stomach and I questioned my own upbringing. Fuck you Mom and Dad. I’m sure we can all think of moments where we acted out of anger and regretted it immediately. But the trick is that we do not have to live in regret. No, not by loving yourself when you’re an asshole, but rather, refusing to act in the way that your anger wants you to. Do the opposite of what your anger desires, at all costs. In that situation, I should have cheered on that kid as he kept repeatedly being absolutely horrible at pinball. The same can be said for a romantic relationship.
If your partner does something to make you incredibly angry, act against the emotion and sit on the feeling for a while. Obviously, if the situation is extreme, such as abuse, anger is justified and necessary to take rightful action. This strategy more so applies to small/medium level annoyances that cause unjustifiably high levels of anger. For instance, if your loved one keeps leaving dirty dishes in the sink or keeps wearing that Ed Hardy shirt you absolutely fucking hate. Once anger arises from these small inconveniences, tell your partner you love them and give them a passionate kiss or meaningful hug. Then do whatever you can to let the anger pass. If you can separate yourself and restore tranquility—that is a great option. Once you feel calm, reassess your anger. Did I really have to get that angry? Is the action that caused my anger worth talking about with my partner? Most of the time, you will realize that you were overreacting and will become grateful that you refused to act on your negative feelings. However, on occasion, the anger can be justified, and you’ll have a calmer energy to tackle the conversation with, as well as a sense of restored logic. For example, let’s go back to the dirty dishes example. If you agreed with your partner that they would wash a couple of their dishes as a compromise, and this was the eighth time in a row that they did not, that requires a conversation. But instead of guilt-tripping and barking their head off, you can now try to put yourself in their shoes and calmly remind them of the agreement you made, making them a lot more likely to be understanding.
Anger is the most seductive emotion of them all. It seeps under your fingernails, gets in your hair, coats every bit of your stomach, feeds your ego to the highest degree, and makes you want to annihilate anything in front of you. Thus, it takes a high level of willpower to act against it, which means that emotional incentives must be thought of to motivate one to not take action. Remember the definition that was provided earlier: love is what you do despite what you feel. Not acting on egoistic anger and not treating your partner unfairly is what love entails, according to that definition. So, by truly loving someone else, it is your responsibility to treat them with the highest level of respect and understanding, which anger does not allow one to accomplish. Do whatever you can to pass the anger and act opposite to it before you take any action. Or else, you could risk losing the one you love. And more importantly, you become a stronger version of yourself each time you refuse to give your darkness power.
WALK A MILE IN THEIR SHOES
Since love releases selfish emotions like anger and envy, it makes it very hard to see the situation at hand from the other side when triggered. When someone pisses us off, we tend to see them as solely responsible for our pain, which drives us toward portraying them as the bad guy, and us as the angel. But there’s never good versus bad in a relationship; there are merely two people dealing with their pain as best they can. So, next time your partner does something to piss you off, force yourself to step out of your ego and focus on why they may have acted that way. What has happened in their life to cause them to lash out? What mistake have I committed in the past to trigger this response? How can I best empathize with these grievances to support my partner rather than make them feel bad? And most importantly, remember that anger is a mirror into your own insecurities. Nobody can literally make you feel angry; it all stems from within. So look deep into yourself and ponder: what has been triggered inside of me to cause anger? And how can I work at that? Arguments are always a two-way street; both parties have work to do no matter what. Whether it be supporting your partner while they work to better themselves, or if it entails admitting to yourself that you could have reacted better throughout the quarrel, the work never stops.
Lovers are rarely your enemy. Rather, they are your teammates, helping you unlock your highest potential. Every negative reaction is a mirror into your own painful history. If you get upset when your partner is spending too much time away from you, then you have undealt with trauma from your parents being distant when you were a kid. It doesn’t take away from the fact that maybe your partner could spend more time with you, but it helps to understand why we have such strong reactions and how they are not necessary for the issue at hand. You can only grow by accepting your faults, so look at what’s holding you back whenever you have a negative reaction. Personally, I was abandoned as a kid, so whenever lovers have expressed a strong sense of independence, I would freak out and get terrible anxiety. At first, I would toxically blame my partner for causing the pain, but I thankfully realized after a while that it was all to do with me. After seeing it as my issue, I was motivated to tackle the pain each time it arrived—as a way to keep getting stronger. And now, the reactions I have to emotional distance in a relationship are much less severe than they used to be. Points of trigger are gold mines for emotional growth. You just need to stop blaming your partner for the pain and motivate yourself to tackle the issues head-on.
It is essential to note that there are times where a partner is being so toxic that this philosophy can do more harm than good. So, before you enter a relationship, write down your non-negotiables for things you will not tolerate. And try your best to stick to them once you have fallen in love. If your partner begins to yell at you and call you names, do not empathize with them. Take time to separate and see how much you can genuinely forgive. (Never forgive physical violence). However, as was previously mentioned, anger can cause an overreaction to minuscule issues. It is normal for lovers to conflate small issues into their non-negotiables as a way to logically make sense out of a strong, negative emotion. For example, let’s say your non-negotiable was disrespect and your partner fell asleep while you were telling them something. This action then triggered immense anger in you and caused you to threaten to end the relationship because you cannot handle disrespect. This pattern is never fair. In combination, do not let love cloud your judgment of what is unacceptable, but at the same time, try not to let the heat of romance lead you to negate what is actually acceptable from your partner.
LOVE AND RESPECT YOURSELF AT ALL COSTS
While watching the movie, The Perks of Being a Wallflower, stoned, upset, and lonely during quarantine, I stumbled upon one of the most profound quotations of all time: “We accept the love we think we deserve.” My whole world shook after hearing this. (An element of surprise also played a role since the line was delivered by Paul Rudd and came from a sappy movie). I then reflected on the moments I tolerated lovers treating me badly for extended periods of time. I hated myself and refused to spend time with myself because of that self-loathing, so no wonder I was drawn to women who felt the same way. Getting spoken to poorly and being placed second to superficial trivialities seemed completely fine to me because I treated myself the same way. The way you talk to yourself will attract a partner who talks to you similarly. And no, I’m not talking about that fake nice bullshit you tell yourself or others present you with. I mean how you talk to yourself in dark moments. Are you kind amidst the darkness, searching for a silver lining? Or do you beat yourself up and look for alcohol and sex as a means to cope with the pain? Love will present you with tough moments, such as forgiving your partner for a hurtful action or stepping into brutal conversations. And you will tackle the situation in the exact same way you deal with yourself when the going gets tough. So practice finding light in darkness and being kind to yourself when in pain, and the habit will shift towards your relationship.
The phrase “love yourself” sounds cheesy as fuck and you can laugh at me whenever I say it, but I believe life is a game and truly loving yourself is the end goal. To illustrate my argument, let us unpack what love really entails. Most people’s life priority is to be loved—ideally by the person of their dreams. Let’s say you finally meet this supposed person and fall head over heels for them. It may seem like they are giving you the love that you need to live a good life. However, this person cannot literally hand you love. The words “I love you” do not create a magic spell that suddenly instills their love inside of you. Rather, the idea of a romanticized person loving you fills a hole in your heart that you haven’t been able to fill yourself. In other words, they hand you an idea of yourself that makes you feel like you love yourself. How can this beautiful, kind person love me? I must be a catch. So, if lovers merely give us an idea of ourselves that makes us love ourselves, why can't that be done alone? The answer is that it can be, and here’s why it’s important:
If we fall in love with ourselves before we fall in love with someone else, we will not have nearly as much to lose. Let’s say you go into a relationship with a pattern of hating yourself and you suddenly fall in love. When that relationship ends, you will have absolutely nothing left going for you. You needed that person to feel comfortable in your own skin. The idea of losing someone means that you could go back to a life of self-hatred, leading you to be in complete fear throughout the relationship, freaking out whenever the partnership experiences some turbulence. Since you will lose such a big part of yourself if the relationship ends, you will treat the potential end of a relationship similarly to the idea of dying. This pattern lays down the foundation for toxic love, which can only be avoided through self-love.
