THE WAR ON GENDER ROLES
2 AUGUST 2022 (17 MIN READ)
Finally, after decades of the same old shit, society is breaking free of the rigid gender stereotypes that have caused immense internal misery. To some degree, men now have the freedom to embrace their emotional side and be sensitive, while women are now more empowered to ditch the housewife stereotype and create their own dreams in whatever field they might desire. Before this shift, both genders were put into cages of what they had to be, versus what their heart actually wanted for them. This created a persona that one had to put on in order to fit into society, even if that persona was the furthest thing from one’s true identity. And there is no bigger cause for internal pain than wearing the wrong mask, so it is incredible to see that these masks of gender roles are finally starting to go away. However, although so much good has been created by this necessary shift, often when drastic change occurs, we lose the ability to see where the sweet spot is. In other words, in the search for vast progress we often lose sight of what the goal should be, and opt instead for focusing on how far we can take a cultural movement. Before we begin the journey of exploring the consequences of this overcorrection, consider where we are at now in society:
About 80% of suicide deaths are committed by men.
Most men are addicted to porn.
Women are now “empowered” and “encouraged” to sell naked pictures of themselves online, yet they find themselves even more judged when they do so.
98% of mass shootings are committed by men and they are occurring at an unprecedented rate.
Gen Z-ers between the ages of 20-24 were more likely than millennials or Gen X-ers to report never having had sex. (So, somehow we are the most hypersexed generation ever, but are having the least sex.)
Mental health rates are the worst they have ever been by a long shot amidst both genders.
1 in 4 children in the US are born into fatherless households (not including LGBT two-parent households), which makes them twice as likely to drop out of high school and seven times more likely to become pregnant as a teen.
I could continue listing more eyebrow-raising statistics, but I hope you get the point that something is going on in today’s culture surrounding gender and it’s worth getting to the bottom of it. It’s safe to say that some areas of this article may be triggering for most, but it’s important to challenge those emotions and assess how valid they are considering the information being shared. What I am attempting to do is apply some logic and reason to a very emotionally loaded topic, which will involve me going down some dangerous roads, but if you bear with me I promise you can learn something. Most do not dare go down this road because they are too afraid of how people will perceive them, even if they feel like they are telling the truth. However, I am not one of those people.
This article will be rooted in the philosophy that both sexes come with inherited, differential traits that must be felt and understood, instead of being repressed and shamed. Because when one represses and shames a side of themselves, it only comes out of them in a much darker manner, without them even knowing. For instance, if a man fails to acknowledge his anger and channel it in a productive manner, then he is much more likely to unconsciously project it onto vulnerable people who cannot defend themselves.
SHADOW MASCULINITY
I am not going to argue that men have it harder than women, but what I will point out is the specific difficulties that are exclusive to men that they have to learn to cope with, or else the frustration will leak out into the world and cause mayhem. And one of the prime difficulties men face is their inherent desire to be at the top of the dominance hierarchy, where all the rewards of high status are thrown their way, such as a high level of interest from an abundance of attractive females and heaps of money earned through engaging in something meaningful. Whether you agree with it or not, at the bottom of almost any masculine man’s heart is the desire to fulfill this fantasy. However, the problem with this innate desire is that only a small fraction of men get to that point. And the vast majority of men lie at the bottom of said hierarchy, where they cannot attract the women they want and they cannot make close to the amount of money they desire. For a man, nothing feels worse than experiencing life from this level of the totem pole. And the feelings that come with this position are a deep anger at oneself and the external world, especially women, even though they do not remotely deserve the projected anger. If you take a look at any shooter’s manifesto, excluding the ones that were written based off pure racism, then they basically explain—in a much more extreme way—what I have just said: being at the bottom of this male hierarchy was so fucking brutal that they desired to kill everyone who made it that way. I am not pointing these things out to create compassion for evil people, but what I am doing is accurately describing a real problem to try and create room for a solution.
Because most men live in a spot in said hierarchy that they deeply loathe, the average man, especially in America, lives with deep rage and repressed sexual desire. Currently, we live in an era where a man is demonized for conveying any sign of aggression or sexuality, and instead encouraged to present a much more feminine persona. While this reaction is definitely deserved considering the atrocities of the world that are almost exclusively created by men, it does come with a heavy price. When a man represses his anger and sexuality, they only leak out in darker, more unconscious ways. Consider the fact that the vast majority of men consume porn regularly, an act done behind closed doors in shame. And some of the most popular porn categories are incredibly explicit, such as anal cream-pies, gagging, BDSM, etc. Thus, the average man is locked in a dark room, watching violent sex on his computer multiple times a week. If this doesn’t show you that something weird is going on with men, then I do not know what will. You may be thinking that this porn consumption is harmless, but in reality, it is one of the leading contributors to a societal rape culture, as well as a pervasive male depression, as porn leads to higher levels of social isolation, self-loathing, and erectile dysfunction. As you can see, the shaming and repression of male sexuality has led to a widespread porn addiction that creates all sorts of problems for society.
In terms of the issues with repressed male anger, consider the rise of current social media sensation, Andrew Tate, who took over TikTok overnight by targeting the anger of the average man who is stuck at the bottom of the hierarchy. He is currently the most searched-for celebrity in the world on Google. Most of Tate’s popular videos focus on the fact that many of man’s problems are not self-imposed, but rather a reflection of the “disgusting” acts of women, such as female promiscuity and female freedom. Yes, literally, female freedom, as he argues that a man’s female partner should not be able to go out with her friends, because she cannot take care of herself and will eventually find a man higher on the hierarchy and take off with him. Although what Tate says is disturbing, the real problem is that he is the most popular voice on the internet currently for men. And the reason he is the most popular is because he is giving voice to the repressed rage that men live with in today’s day and age: a deep anger at the world and women for not giving them what they feel like they deserve. In other words, he is saying what most men are thinking but are too afraid to say out loud. As you can see, the unfortunate recipients of this repressed rage are the women of society, who experience constant abusive behavior and will always experience controlling men in their dating lives.
I truly believe that most of the world’s problems are caused by this repressed and shamed male aggression and sexual desire. Anyone in the world can easily point to acts of male aggression or inappropriate sexual comments and be rightfully quick to call them out as wrong. However, the same cannot be said for a man repressing all that aggression and sexual desire, which is even more dangerous, as you can hopefully notice by the arguments of the previous paragraphs. So, all we are doing as a society is shaming and getting angry at men for their harmful feelings, but we are leaving them to tend to the wolves after the fact, which almost always consists of shameful repression. However, what they need to be doing is dealing with those emotions and working through them. But why can’t we live with that duality as a society? Where we should call out men for acting out their rage and sexual desires inappropriately, but at the same time, give them space and hope to heal, as well as easily accessed therapeutic outlets where they can do so. But how can we cultivate this hope? And what can these therapeutic outlets look like? The well-being of society quite literally depends on the answers to these questions.
THE WAY OUT
“A harmless man is not a good man. A good man is a very, very dangerous man who has it under voluntary control.” - Jordan Peterson
Showcasing a right and wrong way to deal with exhibited male aggression, consider the reactions to the shocking exit of a Love Island UK contestant, Jacques O’Neill, over his mental health. Love Island is one of the biggest reality shows in the world, which is why it’s so interesting to observe the online reactions to the participants’ behavior, as the comments that get the most attention and reactions are usually the ones that reflect the opinion of the consensus on the “correct” way to act as a human. O’Neal exhibited moments of poor anger management skills on the show, like confronting other contestants angrily and calling his female love interest unfortunate names. Although this behavior cannot be defended, he also showed moments of having a huge heart, such as holding his male friends on the show as they weep and encouraging them to feel their emotions, which is very rare for a strong man to do. After one final blow up on the show, where he told multiple people to fuck off, O’Neal decided to leave the show over concerns with his mental health, as he did not want to make others feel uncomfortable and was having a hard time feeling like himself. Immediately, most comments and reactions on Twitter went straight to calling him “toxic,” “a piece of shit,” and some even saying he should kill himself for how he behaved.
However, a few sentiments began to scratch the surface that went against the opinion of the consensus, arguing that even though some of his actions cannot be defended, we cannot forget his moments of showing deep compassion and love, offering hope that he can deal with these anger issues through treatment and come out stronger. THAT is the perfect way to respond to situations like this: recognize and call out bad behavior, but find the room for good, and use that to build hope and encouragement for men to get help and improve themselves. Because the truth is that every single man comes with a biological imperative to be aggressive and controlling, and if men are just shamed whenever they showcase signs of that, then they will retreat into a shameful prison. But the problem with that shameful prison is that when the beast breaks out, their negative tendencies will only be ten times worse. Thus, the only way out is for each man to recognize his capacity for danger and work through it rigorously, so they do not project it onto people who do not deserve it and compromise the safety of humankind. But how can a man recognize that capacity if they are led to believe that it is shameful and has no place existing in them? Although the largest chunk of the work that goes into healing this lies on the individual man, the healing of the collective psyche goes a long way too. And that directly involves the duality of both calling out male behavior that is problematic, but also recognizing the capacity for growth and offering ways to actually embark on that journey. But what are those ways?
First and foremost, the best way to come to terms with male aggression and repressed sexual desire is to congregate with other men in a group and talk openly about them, as well as releasing the anger together in a safe container. These sorts of group activities are often labeled as “men’s circles,” “men’s groups,” or “men’s work.” I highly recommend for every single man to join one at some point in his life, as it quite literally changed my life for the better, especially in how much more I am aligned with the healthy masculinity inside myself. Inside these groups, men express their rage together without any judgment, such as yelling together and talking about why they are so angry. Although this may sound silly to some, men need a safe space to release their anger and understand why they are so angry, or else they will release it unconsciously to people who do not deserve it. Offering a similar sort of emotional release, men should consider enrolling in some form of martial arts, as it also helps with releasing repressed anger in a healthy manner. Personally, I am a fan of Jiu-Jitsu and highly recommend it to anyone.
Next, and this one is more philosophical, as men we need to feel like we are working towards something, or working up some sort of hierarchy. Unfortunately, the capitalist western world has capitalized on this tendency and created an economic hierarchy that ruins the mental health of most men, as 99% of them can never get to the spot they want to be at. But what if I told you that you can design your own hierarchy? And that your happiness does not depend on the hierarchy created by western civilization? To create your own hierarchy, I recommend basing it off of three key categories: skill, love, and meaning. The masculine urge to dominate and improve does not have to be tied to money, it actually works better when tied to a specific skill, such as something hands-on like building a car, or something more creative like painting. Instead of only focusing on the economic consequences of these skills, men should tie their satisfaction levels to the gradual mastery of said skill. Thus, instead of perceiving yourself as a bum because you only made X amount of dollars for your work and then getting angry all the time based on that self-image, base your perception of self on how much you are improving on the skill you are dedicating your life to. Through this shift, you will feel a lot better about yourself and be less angry. In terms of love, the best way to live life is through having an open heart and leading from that place. However, the problem with today’s collective conscious, is that we are all scared little kids who have to constantly protect ourselves. The gradual breaking of this egoistic tendency to possess a more open heart is something that each individual should strive for, especially men. Start basing your growth as a human on this ability to gradually open your heart, rather than how many dollars you made or how many girls sent you a DM. And finally, for meaning, as Nietzsche famously said, “He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.” More important than anything, especially money, is to have something to go back to in your mind that will allow you to bear, as well as transcend, the copious amounts of suffering that any human goes through. Therefore, a man should derive his power based on the strength of this “why,” because nothing else comes close to the importance of that, as our ability to transcend suffering is what dictates our strength.
Lastly, it’s important for men to understand that they are 100% responsible for the charged, painful emotions that come their way. No woman, situation, or child is making you feel that way. Only your problematic perception of their actions is what is creating those emotions. The more men live their lives aligned with this reality, the more they will grow and stop wreaking havoc for the rest of the world.
THE WAR ON FEMININITY
The story with women goes a lot differently than men, as women are being equally shamed for both displaying stereotypical feminine traits, as well as more masculine ones. Whereas men, at this current space in time in the western world, are being mainly shamed for displaying their masculine traits. For instance, if a woman becomes argumentative and stands up for her beliefs, she is quickly labeled a bitch. And when a woman chooses to dedicate her life to raising her kids and showing up for her family, she is quickly judged as domesticated or lazy. So, can women do anything without being judged or shamed? Unfortunately not, and the worst part is that most of this judgment comes from women themselves. But why is that the case? Unlike men running after money and status to find some sense of confidence, women run after each other in the form of gossip and judgment, to bring the other down and give room for a step up the hierarchical ladder. And this ladder, in the unconscious minds of straight women, is to become attractive to the highest quality of man. This is unfortunately a direct consequence of years of rampant sexism and chauvinistic societal rule. Through years of media brainwashing, such as old movies showing how women only exist to please men, and marketing campaigns with photoshopped models attracting “perfect” men with their makeup and lingerie, women have been falsely led to believe that their self-worth is directly tied to how many high quality men they are worthy of getting. And of course, both due to the evil minds of marketers and the painfully simple minds of men, women have been led to believe that their ability to get these men, and therefore be worthy of high self-worth, is directly tied to how good they look. However, since one can never truly feel like they look their best and there will always be people that look better in their minds, naturally it makes sense that women feel the unconscious need to bash other women’s appearance and lifestyles to gain a leg up in the hierarchy.
I am not making this argument to diss women by any means, rather I am emphasizing this reality in an attempt to heal an unfortunate war on women from both genders. And the first step in healing from this war is for women to look deep inside and recognize this truth. Just like I deemed it necessary for men to be brutally honest about their aggression and sexual desire and find ways to release it healthily, the same has to be said for the amount of intra-sex judgment that lies in the female psyche. Unfortunately, this hijacking of the psyche is at the fault of greedy, lonely men, but this should provide motivation for women to clear this male poisoning out of their minds. And the clearing truly begins by calling out the judgment in yourself. This can look like seeing a woman who you think looks better than you, feeling the desire to judge her in your mind, but opting instead to say something nice about her. This conscious reprogramming will go a long way in healing this dark tendency to always be judging your fellow women. And just like I emphasized in the way out for men section, women should recreate their own hierarchy, where it is not based on how beautiful they appear, but rather how close they are to their heart, how good they get at a skill, and how deep their sense of meaning goes. Although this hierarchy should be focused inward, you can also use it to dictate your level of respect for a woman. Instead of immediately jumping to: “this bitch definitely got lip fillers,” and basing your understanding of her off that, try to recognize how close she lives to her heart, how good she is at something, and how deeply she applies her soul to her life.
And finally, men, you are not in the clear. You are also a big part, if not the biggest part of the problem. You also must consider this reconfigured hierarchy of love, skill, and meaning when it comes to understanding women, instead of immediately labeling them as “hot or not,” and then basing your perception and treatment of them off that. We are at fault for the insecure way women perceive themselves and their resorting to judgment to soothe that pain, so it’s time we play our part in healing that wound. And that part is focusing beyond the surface of physicality, as well as having respect for whatever path a woman chooses for herself. The shadow-based instinct to feel like we have moral authority over the path of the feminine is what has repeatedly sickened modern society. Stick to judging your own path, as there is never enough of that to be done, and respect the free-flowing path of the divine feminine.
