THE SECRET SAUCE OF THE EGO
10 JANUARY 2023 (13 MIN READ)
The ego has many ways it can fuck with our minds to hold onto power. Whether it be tempting you to believe an insecure thought that sends you down a dark road of sadistic mayhem, or making you scared about something that hasn’t even happened yet, the ego will do whatever it takes to hold onto its sense of control over one’s comfort zone. And since we live in such a messed up, trauma-infused society, most of our comfort zones include fear, anxiety, and victimhood. Since our identities are molded by these nefarious sensations, the ego will do whatever it can to continue to feed off of them, as that’s all it knows. This unfortunate reality means that it is incredibly difficult to break away from the control of the ego, and begin to feed one’s identity off of positive emotions, such as gratitude and love. On this difficult path to replace these emotions as our dominant ones, we often believe the ego only holds us back by sending us nasty, painful thoughts. However, this couldn’t be further from the truth. The most effective way the ego keeps us in our comfort zones is by making us believe that this comfort zone is the perfect place for us. Since telling us to love our fear, anxiety, or depression would quickly make us not believe the ego, it sweet talks us into staying afraid or anxious by forcing us to believe it’s what’s best for us in this moment.
The way it does this is through thoughts of justification. By fooling us to justify the thoughts, emotions, and behaviors that keep us from progressing, the ego wins the battle and keeps us in the same exact spot that we feel the need to move away from.
JUSTIFYING POOR CHOICES
There are many things in our personal lives that our egos justify, but one definitely stands out from the rest: the justification of poor choices. A lot of the time, when I am working with people and we reach a point where a problematic behavior is discovered, they almost always react by justifying it at first, avoiding all personal responsibility in the process. For instance, saying “I’m a human being,” or “nobody’s perfect,” when having to deal with the reality of becoming aware of a problematic choice they keep making. I was recently talking to someone about how to fix their frequent need to snap at their children, to which I was immediately met with those two phrases. Although kids are fucking annoying and everyone snaps eventually, excusing one’s shitty behavior by saying nobody is perfect won’t get them anywhere. The only place it will get them is stuck in the same exact spot that hurts themselves and the people around them. Once I call people out about this egoistic deflection, the next step is frequently the same: they begin to tell me about how their trauma caused their poor behavior.
While understanding how one’s trauma can cause poor actions is a crucial step in healing, it still does not make the bad action correct by any means. Similar to using trauma as an excuse, the ego loves to use feeling bad or having just dealt with a bad situation as a justification to act like an ass as well. The truth is, the reality of a poor choice is not black and white. It’s not as simple as thinking you’re a bad person and calling it a day or just believing the poor choice is caused by an internal factor and leaving it at that. The truth lives in the gray area between these two spaces. You are not capable of perfection, you will make mistakes in your life, you do have trauma that is affecting your decision-making abilities, you do possess negative emotions that can influence your choices, AND you also made a poor fucking choice. In other words, regardless of the contributing factors to the poor choice, the poor choice was made and caused damage to yourself and the people around you. Do you think the people you let down give a fuck about your excuses? NO. The only thing that cares about your excuses is your ego. And that’s because the excuses keep it in the same exact place it wants to be. So, what’s the right way to go about handling a poor choice and not lying in the egoistic comfort of justification?
Sure, investigate the contributing factors to the decision, but don’t use that as a vehicle for justification. Instead, utilize the newfound understanding of your painful history as a means to heal—because if you heal what’s causing the shitty behavior, then you are way less likely to keep doing it. And when it comes to the typical justification phrases like, “everyone’s human” or “nobody’s perfect,” cut that shit out of your vocabulary. Unless you are a hyper-perfectionist who lives in shame, stop telling yourself that bullshit, as all it will do is keep you in the same fucked up place.
JUSTIFYING THE COMFORT ZONE
Every morning, I get in my ice bath without fail, which is set at about 45 degrees Fahrenheit and always makes my balls feel numb for the rest of the day. Even though I have done this act of torture every morning for a long period of time, I still encounter the same voice whenever I do so: the voice that tries to justify me not going in. This voice will tell me all kinds of soppy bullshit, such as, “give yourself a break,” “you deserve a hot shower today,” “you had a hard day yesterday, so take a break,” and of course, my favorite thought, “you deserve better than this.” If the ice bath did nothing for me health-wise, then I would understand these thoughts. However, every single time I get out of the ice bath, I feel infinitely better mentally and physically, preparing myself well for the work day ahead of me. So, since I know the ice bath is amazing for me, what’s the exact point of these thoughts of justification? As stated earlier, the ego wants to stay in its comfort zone of anxiety, fatigue, and victimhood, so it will do whatever it can to try and convince you to not do things that pull you out of that zone.
Backing up this sentiment in a different manner, how can you explain the universal experience of procrastination when attempting to accomplish a goal? When we are faced with doing something that can make us feel good, focused, and egoless, such as entering flow state while working on our dreams, the ego fucking hates that shit. Thus, it will do whatever it can to make sure you don’t go down that road. This is where the justifying voice comes in. It will tell you that you can just work later, or that you are not worthy of the goal you are trying to achieve, so you might as well give up. No matter what that voice will attempt to say, all it is trying to do is make you live your life from a place of restriction and fear.
Another powerful avenue exists in which we often justify our comfort zone: confronting our fears. If you have ever gone through the steps it takes to overcome a fear, and truly felt yourself be liberated from it, then you know how freeing it can be and how much confidence it can build. The ego knows this like I know 1+1=2. So, it will do whatever it can to justify you being afraid and not taking action to overcome it. For example, let’s consider the popular phenomenon of not being able to approach someone you perceive as attractive. The egoistic voice of justification will tell you that since you are a fat piece of shit, only shame will come out of the potential situation, so you might as well shut up and keep walking. Or, it can be more conniving and tell you that there are plenty of other fish in the sea, so it comes at no cost to not approach the person. For any fear we want to get over, the ego will keep handing us this crop of bullshit. And that’s because fear keeps us stuck in the same place, which is the ego’s dream destination. For you, it’s Hawaii with a cocktail and a hottie by your side, but for the ego, it’s being a scared little bitch. Don’t give the ego that satisfaction.
In terms of how to exactly do that, don’t identify with the manipulative thoughts the ego sends your way. You must live in the space between them, where you can observe their occurrence and act in spite of them anyway. The driving force that should make you act that way is knowing that the more the ego barks, the more you need to show up for yourself, because that yapping means you’re doing something right.
JUSTIFYING HATRED
When we feel the engulfing feeling of hatred seep through all our pores, our ego will feed us thoughts to justify that feeling, so we can project it onto whatever situation caused it and refuse to heal the pain in ourselves. Once the pain remains stuck inside us, the ego wins and stays in its comfort of hatred, refusing to let any sign of love into the body. The moment love cleanses the dark energy of hatred, the ego knows it has lost, so it will tell you whatever it can to block that beautiful light from entering your system. A key way we see this show up in society is the current political division we are experiencing. The Democrats hate the Republicans and the Republicans hate the Democrats. Maybe hate is too soft of a word in this circumstance, so let’s replace it with despise. These groups despise each other because whenever one side gets triggered, they immediately justify the hatred with egoistic thoughts, remaining in that hateful place in the process. The Democrat will quickly think the Republican is a sexist, racist piece of shit and deserves their hatred because of that. The Republican will believe the Democrat is a lazy, brainwashed snowflake who is ruining the country, thus earning the right to despise them. As you can see, rather than using empathy to see the humanity beyond someone’s beliefs, the ego goes straight to using thoughts of justification to make you believe hatred is the correct emotion to be used in this certain circumstance.
Another way in which our justification of hatred keeps us stuck in the same messy place is in romantic relationships. Once a couple has a bad argument and both sides are pissed off, the conflict will remain until both sides can return to love. And the only thing stopping the couple from letting love in is the thoughts of justification from the ego. When one side of the couple is truly pissed off, they will have damaging thoughts to not only defend that feeling, but keep it perpetuating as long as possible as well. These thoughts can include, “I should leave him/her since they are such an asshole/bitch,” “I don’t deserve this at all,” “I am so right and they are so wrong,” and of course the ego’s favorite thought, “nobody gets me.” The more we keep believing these thoughts and allowing them to flow in, the more we expand the feeling of hatred and block off love. This new mindset of dominating hatred is what the ego wants, as it’s its comfort zone. Therefore, to win the battle and not give it what it wants, we have to feed ourselves opposing thoughts, which are that of love and gratitude.
Since the thoughts that justify hatred pour gasoline on the fire, once they are replaced with thoughts of love and gratitude, the fire can blow out much faster. For example, if you find yourself in a heated political discussion and you feel anger coming up, then tell yourself thoughts like, “what happened in this person’s life to make them feel this way?” “What if I went about this conversation with as much kindness as possible?” “Where can I attempt to find a middle ground and connect with this person?” Or my personal favorite, “Thank you for showing me where I’m not free.” The truth is, if you are having a hissy fit over some feminist making a statement you don’t agree with or someone saying they voted for Trump, then you are the problem, not them. This is why it’s important to thank that person for revealing to you where your ego is still controlling your life, forcing you to take ownership over your bullshit and improve yourself in the process. Compare the effect of these perspectives entering your consciousness when you encounter anger, versus just believing a barrage of angry thoughts. The former will lead to more love and connection, while the latter will result in hatred, division, and keeping you stuck in the same dark place. The choice is yours.
WHEN IS IT OK TO USE JUSTIFICATION?
Although the ego’s justification can keep you stuck in the same shitty spot for a long time, it isn’t all bad if used correctly. One of the key ways in which human beings actually require an egoistic justification is when they need to stand up for themselves. For example, if someone commits a genuinely harmful action, and you feel pissed off, then the ego justifying that feeling is there to show you that a boundary should be placed. In other words, you need to understand that your feeling is justified in order to create a boundary. However, and this is important, you have to be real with yourself as to what “harmful” really constitutes. Since the ego will declare war any time you feel disrespected, it’s important to know when you have to override that feeling and give room for love. For instance, if someone calmly says an opinion you disagree with, but you get severely triggered, then that’s not an invitation to trust the ego’s justification and be an ass. On the other hand, if someone yells that opinion to you and is getting aggressive, then the ego’s justification of your anger in response is correct and you should listen to it.
Another healthy expression of the ego’s habit of justification is when you need to accept your feelings and not pretend like they’re not there. In order to accept and move through an emotion, we often have to justify to ourselves as to why it is showing up, removing shame and confusion in the process. Compare what it feels like to have a ton of anxiety for no reason, versus understanding that it comes from a specific point of trauma. Once you understand where it comes from, you can justify the emotion and be with it, rather than being hard on yourself for malfunctioning. So, if your mind is justifying an emotion that is hard to sit with normally, then take that as an invitation to drop in and feel the emotion, rather than shaming and repressing it. However, this is not an invitation to become a victim and use that justification to become a useless slob and do nothing with your life. Once you feel as if you have moved some stuck energy by justifying and accepting the emotion, then it’s time to move on with your life and focus on something else. It’s a slippery slope when we over-identify with our pain and justify its difficulty as a reason to do nothing with our lives.
Lastly, if you feel as if you have been way too hard on yourself lately and are losing a sense of self-love, then give yourself some room for justification for that period of time. When we enter a period of time where we feel that we are being hard on ourselves, it tends to be a result of shaming the way we have been feeling and thinking. In other words, we have been allowing ourselves no justification for the thoughts and feelings that we perceive as not serving us in our realities. But, sometimes we get so caught up in our perception of what we think is “right” for us that we lose sight of what actually is. And in this circumstance, this lost sight entails not listening to the crying voice in our mind that needs attention. A mentor of mine would always tell me the ego is the baby of our human makeup. If we ignore it for too long, then the screams will get louder. But at the same time, the baby cannot run the show. So, to develop a good relationship with the ego, one has to simultaneously listen to it while not letting it run the show. In terms of how this relates to overcoming being too hard on yourself, listen to the voice of justification and see if it might be telling you something you need to know. And if it’s not, lovingly tell it thank you for its input but you see the situation in a different light. By doing this, you let the ego know you are truly listening, but at the same time, you run the show.
