THE KEY TO BEING ATTRACTIVE
7 SEPTEMBER 2021 (16 MIN READ)
This article may seem like it's catered towards men, which it is at times, but I believe all genders can come away from this article with powerful realizations about themselves. I only speak more towards men in romance because that is my direct experience.
People, especially men, often think there’s a quick fix to obtaining dating success—that it’s as simple as learning a couple of pick-up lines or getting a good haircut. However, that couldn’t be further from the truth. Becoming properly attractive has everything to do with the internal work you have done on yourself. Yes, being attracted to chiseled men or stunning women is real, but pay attention to the kinds of people they attract for long-term relationships—if their sole concern is based on the superficial. The #1 most attractive quality in someone else is actually quite surprising. Go ahead, take your best guess. I bet you $10 you have absolutely no idea what it is. Are you ready? The answer is non-neediness.
Remember that nerd in high school or college who tried really hard to be your friend? He always asked you to hang out and whenever you talked to him, he was just begging for your approval. Reflect on the feeling you felt whenever that person entered your vicinity. To me, it felt quite repulsive and incredibly unattractive. What you are reacting to is the neediness in someone else. You can energetically sense when someone needs your approval versus when they do not. And almost every time you are attracted to someone, it’s when you can feel that they do not need your approval. Neediness goes further than merely approval, it branches out to validation and happiness as well. For instance, needing someone’s validation to continue with your day or needing a hot romantic interest to feel happy about yourself. All in all, neediness comes down to a lack of self-reliance and needing someone else to feel a certain way about yourself. This quality is more repulsive in men, as women tend to be more emotionally intelligent. Men just see an attractive woman and usually don’t care what comes with them. How did I start understanding all of this? A ton of fucking failures.
Once I properly hit puberty at nineteen, I suddenly gained muscles and a jawline, as well as found a look that worked for me. I was able to attract women I desired quite easily, but they lost interest incredibly fast. I was always so confused as to how a lady could be making out with me and telling me how attractive she thought I was one night to a couple of days later being repulsed by me. This happened to me over and over again until I finally realized the root of the issue: my neediness. I grew up constantly seeking my parents’ approval and validation, especially my mother’s, but I never received close to what I needed as a kid. Since I never came to terms with this side of myself, it carried into my life as a young man. Any girl I started seeing would become a vehicle for my inner child to prove he was worthy of validation. As soon as this side arose, every girl left me for the dust (rightfully so). My realization of this quality came from watching the television show, Californication, while stoned on my sofa one night. The protagonist attracted every woman on that show and kept them interested due to his self-reliance and non-neediness. Why couldn’t I do the same? So I did; however, I went about it completely wrong. I would simply silence the needy side of myself and present a fake persona to women that I was interested in. It worked in terms of them not running away, but I was deeply hurting on the inside, repressing my pain in order to be the man I wanted to become. I realized that this issue was deeper than the surface level, so I took my ass to therapy. This is where it all changed for me, but I had to look deep within. It was an incredibly painful journey to revisit my childhood wounds and express my repressed grief, but it’s what eventually led me to become non-needy. Since neediness almost always comes from parental wounds—to heal it, you must walk into that painful terrain. I realized that healing neediness wasn’t as simple as: “I will no longer be needy.” Rather, it took a tearful, lengthy journey into my soul to purge it out of myself.
The rest of this article will list out the ways to become non-needy and attract the people you deserve.
NON-NEEDINESS
This section will attempt to familiarize you with what needy behavior constitutes and what non-neediness looks like. In terms of approaching someone you think is attractive, I will present two common strategies and you will have to deduce which one is needy vs. non-needy.
1. Dave walks into a bookstore and sees a beautiful woman, who is just his type, sifting through one of his favorite books. He’s physically attracted to this person, but he wants to see if he likes her personality as well. He goes over to her and strikes up a conversation about the book. He ends up emotionally connecting with her and gets her phone number. He left the bookstore focused on whatever he had to do that day. The next afternoon, she pops into his mind and he asks her out over text.
2. Ed is sitting at the bar drinking a glass of whiskey when suddenly a bombshell walks up to the table near him. His heart sinks into his chest and his palms begin to sweat. He feels incredibly nervous to go up to her since he doesn’t believe a sexy woman like that could want to be with him. He ends up putting his nerves aside and asks to buy her a drink. The whole conversation he’s constantly looking for cues as to whether or not she likes him. Eventually, he just asks for her number and she complies. The rest of the night and the following day all he can think about is her beauty. He goes on to text her late the next night—to play it cool.
As you probably could have guessed, the former scenario exhibited non-neediness and the latter, neediness. In terms of Dave, he noticed the woman’s beauty, but did not allow that to trigger insecurities within himself. He used physical attraction as a starting point to see if she was worth getting to know. Most of the time with men, it’s the other way around. You see someone pretty and treat their potential approval as a way to validate yourself as a man; however, that’s the opposite of validating your male strength. It’s validating your weakness. Ed needed that woman’s validation to feel comfortable in his own skin—purely off of the way she looked. He was using her as a means to gain confidence. Women are repulsed by this type of energy. Not only is this way of treating women terrible for attraction, but it can also lead to assault. The habit of men using the way women look as a way to prove themselves leads to rape and harassment. If a toxically masculine male gets rejected by an attractive woman, he could resort to nasty mechanisms to get revenge. So, not only do women find neediness unattractive, but they’re actually scared by it. Thus, by not needing a woman’s approval based on her looks, you are actually creating a safe space for her to feel comfortable. Dave’s mentality of, “Let’s see if I connect with this woman on a deeper level,” creates that safe space. Most men just go in with the intention of needing to prove their manhood through sexual domination—based purely on physical looks. Their mentality consists of, “She’s so hot, I need her to desire me,” which will rarely get them anywhere good. Not only is it a dangerous mentality for society, but it will also greatly decrease your chances of attraction.
If you’re reading this and think I’m some sappy bozo instructing you on how to fall in love, you hold some truth, but in reality, this mentality will also help you get laid. In terms of sex, you can go about it in a completely non-needy way. Surprisingly, the men I know who do the best in this department expect it the least. They don’t go into a party with the mentality of “I need to get laid.” Rather, they set off into the night with an open mind and whatever comes their way, they will accept. In other words, they don’t need to have sex. If you ask a girl, they can immediately spot the guy who goes out to just have sex because he needs it, and they are incredibly repulsed by him. That energy also carries through in the way he talks. As soon as he approaches a woman, whatever words he says will be coated in, “I need to fuck you,” which leads to nausea in those on the receiving end. Rather, if you see someone you find attractive, speak from a place of appreciation without any expectation. If you like the way a dress looks on a girl, tell her that without making any stories in your head. A woman will be able to sense this non-needy, safe, appreciative energy and be much more receptive to it. Also, if you go into the conversation not expecting or needing anything—if you get rejected, you will be much less likely to take it personally. One of the main components of non-neediness is not taking rejection to heart. In other words, you must be completely ok with getting rejected in order to be considered non-needy.
It’s easy to just throw on this non-needy persona, but it won’t last very long. You must do the strenuous internal work to become non-needy, which will allow people to really feel it and become magnetized toward you. The next three sections will show you how to accomplish that.
SELF-WORTH
The most important component to cultivating non-neediness is building up your self-worth. If you find yourself getting distraught by romantic rejection or getting incredibly anxious when your partner seems distant, then you need some work on your self-worth. In terms of rejection, if someone couldn’t accept you for you, a person with high self-worth would see that as a blessing. Furthermore, they wouldn’t see it as a “me” issue—but more of a “them” issue. On the other hand, someone with low self-worth would take rejection as a sign of them not being enough of a person, and see the person who rejected them as being too good for them. In other words, they see rejection as entirely a “me” issue. This person also tends to worry about a partner’s infidelity frequently because they constantly think they are not enough. Surprisingly, I think both of these sides are wrong. People who often see rejection completely as a “them” issue miss the opportunity to grow as a person and accept their faults. Thus, those who see themselves with a high self-worth are often narcissistic assholes because they fail to look within. Still, the other side isn’t much better. Treating rejection as entirely a “me” issue tends to breed victim ideologies, which can deeply hold you back in life. So, I argue that it’s important to aim for realistic self-worth, not high or low. What does that look like?
Realistic self-worth entails a combination of accountability and a healthy dose of not giving a fuck. If someone with a realistic self-worth got broken up with after a month of dating, they would first go to, “This will save me in the long run. They were not going to accept me as much as someone else could.” However, unlike the narcissists with a “high” self-worth, they don’t stop there. They would then turn to things they could have done better—without beating themselves up. Memories of moments of needy behavior often arise and a lack of transparency at moments. They kindly note those things that could have used improvement and move forward with their lives. This is where the healthy dose of not giving a fuck comes in. I’m not telling you to repress any pain from the rejection; it’s more than ok to grieve, actually, it’s essential to allow yourself to grieve. But I am telling you to not dwell on it and to just move on. If a person has rejected you, they are no longer worth your time. They served you well at that period in your life and helped you grow. That is it. Period. Don’t dream of knightly crusades to get them back and getting your biceps bigger to draw them back to you. Turn the focus within and care about something conducive to your life.
Another essential component to self-worth is self-care, meaning, how well can you take care of yourself? If you are feeling down, can you help yourself feel happier? If you are feeling anxious, can you help yourself to calm down? If you feel lonely, can you get to a place where you feel comfortable alone? These sorts of questions are essential to ask yourself because if you depend on others to do those things for you, then you will have a harder time cultivating healthy relationships. For instance, if you date someone because they make you feel happier, then you ultimately depend on them for your own happiness. This sounds relatively harmless, but it can lead to toxic behavior when your partner gets happy through something else beyond you. If they go partying with their friends and forget to answer your text because they’re happy in the moment, then your brain will go straight to, “How can they be happy without me?” This will then lead to needy behavior such as unnecessary texts and phone calls, as well as an anxious outburst rooted in needing to see your partner at that moment. This pattern is fundamentally unattractive for anyone, including yourself. In the past, when I would act like that, I would feel repulsed by myself, and I fucking hated that feeling. This pattern extends to all sorts of needy behaviors. If you need someone else to feel a certain way, you are not honoring your capacity to take care of yourself. I’m not advocating for not asking people for help. I believe that’s a fundamental component of living a good life. However, developing a pattern of depending on someone to feel a certain way is a different story. Learn to take care of yourself and watch your self-worth blossom.
The most important self-care technique to have in your toolkit, in terms of romance, is: how well can you tend to your broken heart? Those who constantly live in fear in a relationship and get possessive, as well as abusive, simply don’t trust themselves to mend their broken heart—so they do whatever they can to protect it. Trust that your heart is powerful enough to heal itself and that you have the conscious strength to guide it in the right direction. Building that strength will lead to less needy behavior because it will reduce your constant need for reassurance or control.
INDEPENDENCE
Those who are non-needy are almost always independent people, meaning that they, for the most part, do not depend on other people to make a decision or feel a certain way. If you are constantly asking for dating advice, you are not an independent person. This boils down to the fact that you do not trust yourself to make a sound decision for your own life. Thus, the more someone asks for advice from others, the more needy they tend to be. To combat this tendency and gain confidence in your own decision-making capabilities, I recommend anyone out in the dating world to not ask for romantic advice for three months. You must trust yourself to make a mistake. That sounds counterintuitive, but asking for advice is rooted in the fear of fucking up. So, you must allow yourself to make mistakes to see they’re not that big of a deal. If you consult a bunch of people on how to play a dating situation, if it goes to shit, then you can blame the whole team and fail to look within. You must be able to own a mistake and learn from it. I used to constantly ask people for dating advice because I was so needy of my romantic interests’ approval that I was willing to do whatever to keep them—even if it meant hiding who I truly was. And when I lost them, I would blame the team and continue to not take accountability. Then, one day, I asked my friend who had immense romantic success how often he asked for dating advice. He looked at me in disgust and said, “Never.” He went on to say, “It’s not because I don’t believe in asking for help. I just know myself well enough to not fear losing someone. If they distance themselves because of who I am, then I know that person wasn’t for me.” After hearing those words, my romantic life changed for the better.
By not asking for romantic advice for three months, you will better understand who you really are. Although it’s tough to make mistakes, you have to make them to learn a lesson. By acting in a way that others want you to act, you will not see your own needy behavior in action, which will not allow you to see the lesson you need to learn. You must see a demon face to face to cut off its head. And the more you see the consequences of your needy behavior, the more likely you are to correct it. Furthermore, by allowing yourself to lose romantic interests, you will begin to see how it’s not life or death. If you need someone so badly that it would cause severe damage to be without them, then you will develop needy behavior throughout the relationship. I believe one of the pillars of a healthy relationship is being ok with losing someone, especially if they are unhappy. Love to me is respect. And if you respect someone, then you will want to see them happy, even if that means you’re not in the equation. If you’re holding on to a partner for dear life to make yourself happy, then is that really love? Or is it possession?
The last component of independence that’s important to think about is the art of being alone. If you are not comfortable in your own solitude, then you should not be in a relationship. That sentence may be tough to hear, but I mean that shit. When one dreads spending time alone and constantly fills it through being with others, they will be needy when it comes to being in a relationship. And that comes down to needing other people to fill a hole in yourself. If this type of person’s partner has to spend some time away, it will be incredibly hard for them to stay grounded and be a good boyfriend or girlfriend. They can do things such as constantly text or call for updates and make them feel guilty for spending time away from them. This is no way to love.
VULNERABILITY
Contrary to popular opinion or expectations, non-neediness is not all about avoiding vulnerability. Rather, embracing one’s vulnerability is actually a major key in developing proper non-neediness. If you hide your feelings or intentions from a romantic interest, then that’s based in fear of someone’s reaction or opinion of you, which is needy behavior. For instance, let’s say you develop feelings for someone and don’t want them to see anyone else. The more you hide that information and play it cool, the more you are catering to the needs of someone else and not yourself. Again, a pivotal component of non-neediness is embracing rejection. And that’s because if a person could not accept you for yourself, then it saves you time in the long run. By speaking how you feel, you bypass your fear of someone’s opinion of you, which is the crux of non-neediness. Speak your intentions and feelings clearly, even if that means losing someone in the process. Life is too short to lose yourself in someone who has lost investment in you. Hold on to those words.
