THE HAPPINESS CHEAT SHEET
15 FEBRUARY 2022 (14 MIN READ)
“The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts.” - Marcus Aurelius
I believe the first step towards happiness is declaring war on your mind. As the great Aurelius argues, your thoughts have to be pristine for you to be happy. However, to shift your mentality to consist mostly of high quality thoughts, you must battle out all the old thought patterns to get there. This combating of negative thoughts is why I argue that one should declare war on their mind to achieve happiness. And it’s probably the hardest war to win, because unlike any soldiers or aliens, your thoughts will not go down with one swift shot to the head, they will keep reappearing for a very long time. Additionally, they are YOUR thoughts, so disagreeing with them and differentiating them from yourself is a brutally hard process. But you can do it, and this article will serve as a blueprint for how to do so.
Although I write a lot about the inner work surrounding the body, such as shadow work and energetic release, this mental happiness formula is even more important. Energy releases from the body eventually, but your thoughts never go away, making your relationship to them the most important component of your mental health. And since your thoughts also change the chemical state of your body, as well as its frequency, there is an argument to be made that the quality of your thoughts is also a crucial component of your physical health. (Elevated stress/cortisol levels destroy the immune system and thoughts create stress on their own). I choose to focus more on the emotional work because people have a much harder time understanding it. Doing the inner work involves silencing the intellect and surrendering to the emotional needs of your body, which our society has become terrible at doing, due to the advancement and importance placed on intellect and logic. But thankfully for you, this happiness formula SOLELY involves the intellect. This is my personal equation for mental happiness; the rest of the article will break down each component in detail:
(meaningful internal dialogue + healthy expectations + managing external comparisons) • purpose = happiness
In logical terms, happiness is the intersection of meaningful internal dialogue, healthy expectations, and managing external comparisons—combined with purpose.
MEANINGFUL INTERNAL DIALOGUE
“Everything is created twice, first in the mind and then in reality.” - Robin Sharma
The way I see my brain is similar to the way I see my crazy conspiracy theorist friends. For every ten ideas they tell me, seven are idiotic and harmful, two could be true, and one is genius. Personally, my brain has a similar ratio, and like my friends’ words, it’s my job to sort through the bullshit to find the gem. But I can only sift through the nonsense if I treat my brain like a third-party actor—as if they exist outside of me. This personification of my brain allows me to take the bad thoughts less seriously, in the sense that I am less likely to believe them or get offended by some of their harsh language. Since so far this makes me seem like I’m out of my damn mind, let me give you a relatable example.
Let’s say your flight suddenly gets delayed without a new departure time and you are left in that awful, emotional limbo we all know too well. The thought patterns that would ensue could be categorized as coming up with solutions to try and change or control the situation, getting angry at the airline and staff, and worrying about your potential plans that day getting canceled. Let’s unpack these mental loops. You cannot fix an airplane so your thoughts to try and control the situation are useless; every thought surrounding this idea is wasted energy. Feeling pissed off with the airline is valid; however, does thinking angry thoughts about them change the situation at all? And in terms of your plans getting canceled, why worry if you do not know if they will actually get canceled? I was recently in this situation, and through ignoring these thoughts, a useful one suddenly came to me: go eat a pizza and watch that movie you never had time to watch. So, for those two hours I was delayed, I had an awesome time devouring that pizza and laughing at the movie, remaining present throughout. This mental strategy can be used in almost every situation: observing the ideas your brain throws at you and choosing whichever one is the most useful.
At its core, you want to break down any thought patterns that are taking you out of presence. And the biggest (and easiest) culprit to silence is the controller in your mind—that motherfucker who just wants everything to go their way. You have to constantly remind that sucker that you cannot control anything or anyone outside of yourself. All you can do is control your reactions to the events of the outside world. So, instead of focusing on ludicrous ways of trying to control a situation, such as yelling at the flight attendant, wait for the idea that is genuinely useful, which usually involves engaging with something that brings you peace. In the previous example, I could have joined the mob yelling at everyone and frowning for hours, but I chose to do something that put me at peace and that I can directly control—sitting my ass down at a table and relaxing. Using this working definition of happiness, being at complete acceptance with everything that is occurring in the present moment, I genuinely believe that most mental unhappiness in human beings comes down to worrying about things that one cannot control. Because if you want to change an external situation, not only are you unaligned with the present moment, but you are also fighting the present moment to go your way. In other words, you are at war with reality. And how can you be remotely happy if you are constantly fighting reality? Along with trying to mentally control the occurrences of the external world, two other culprits massively rob you of happiness: expectations and comparisons.
HEALTHY EXPECTATIONS
“We moderns have an arsenal of tranquilizers and painkillers at our disposal, but our expectations of ease and pleasure, and our intolerance of inconvenience and discomfort, have increased to such an extent that we may well suffer from pain more than our ancestors ever did.” - Yuval Noah Harari
Harari hits the nail on the head with this argument, specifically surrounding how the modern expectation to never suffer actually creates more suffering. Think about it—if First World country inhabitants are ever hungry, one can literally eat themselves to death; the same goes for thirst. If one is ever bored, they have multiple gadgets and television to entertain themselves for hours on end. And most importantly, if one is ever in mental or physical pain, pharmaceuticals will take those ailments right away. In summary, the era we now live in has given us all the tools we need to never feel any bit of suffering. How the fuck is this a bad thing? Because given these tools, we expect to never suffer. Well, I hate to break it to you, but life is suffering. And unless you want to live your life completely addicted to drugs, food, and escapism, then you cannot avoid it. I believe the true winners of this world are the ones who accept this reality and learn to tolerate it. If we expect to never have to suffer, then we will become increasingly frustrated and angry when the inevitable moment comes. Thus, the right thing to do is to expect suffering and be ok with that. This is a pretty vague statement, so let’s break it down into pieces.
I’m not asking you to manifest suffering into every situation you walk into, such as immediately saying, “This is going to suck,” before walking into a dinner party. However, I am asking you to walk into situations without any expectations about how the event might go, meaning that you are open to the situation being anything from amazing all the way to fucking terrible. This is the beauty of the unknown. If we expect an event to be incredible, then we will be aggravated and resistant to the suffering that might come if it doesn’t meet that criteria. On the other hand, if we think that the situation will be the worst thing ever, we will not be as open to being present to enjoy the experience. This is why it’s important to expect nothing but be open to everything. Within the actual event itself, expectations also play a huge role, especially for how you are expecting people to perceive you.
Too many of us, myself included, play this game where we try and make someone think of us in the way we want them to. What kind of dumbass egoistic shit is that? The truth is, we cannot control anyone’s interpretation of us, but what we can control is how we see ourselves. If more energy is placed on developing a positive image of oneself, rather than constantly trying to fix other people’s perceptions, you are going to be a fuckload happier. Additionally, you will become more confident in the process, making it easier to develop new friendships. Let’s put all of this together with an example.
Imagine you are at a party and you see someone that you are attracted to. They give you a seductive glare inviting you to come talk to them. What if you just walked up to this person without any stories in your head? This means no insecure mental loops of unworthiness or thinking about what might happen by the end of the night. All that exists is stepping into the unknown without any expectations. By following this strategy, you will be much more confident and express that through your nonchalant energy, making it more likely that you will attract this person. Also, with no expectations, you will not be as hurt if it doesn’t go your way. And on the other hand, you could be pleasantly surprised if something incredible happens. How often do we truly experience something for the first time without any expectations of how it might go? Rarely ever, but that’s a shame because we can only grow from the unknown. If we constantly experience things with the same stories and expectations, then the lens never changes, meaning that your perception of the occurrences always stays the same. To change your reality, aka your perception of the external world, you have to break the fucking lens. Stop the stories. Stop expecting things to always go your way. Adventure into the unknown.
MANAGING EXTERNAL COMPARISONS
“Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ.” - 1 Corinthians 11:1
In today’s day and age, a deep lack of religious and spiritual ideology exists in society. And this is a problem, in my opinion, for one main reason: we all have to look up to something. Whether that be Trump, the vaccine, or Billie Eilish, without God, we will all seek something or someone to place at the top of our values hierarchy. If this point of idealization is a celebrity, which in most cases it is, then you are deifying them and doing whatever it takes to become more like them. Just like Catholics will do whatever they can to become more like Christ, and feel terrible whenever they sin, people worshiping celebrities will try their hardest to emulate them, and then feel awful about themselves whenever they feel a part of themselves is different. For instance, if you are obsessed with Kim Kardashian and you have a very small behind, then you are going to feel terrible about yourself all the time. This is a huge robber of joy, because you will never feel like you are enough. To stop this comparison, you must replace the top of your hierarchy with something else: your highest self, aka the best version of yourself.
Let me explain my own relationship with religion: I believe that God is your higher self and the devil is your ego. Additionally, I believe that the universe acts as a messenger to deliver you gifts depending on how aligned you are with the God in yourself. For example, the more time you spend in alignment with your highest self, the more money you may earn, the higher quality of love you may find, the more amazing friends you will attract, and the more at peace you will find yourself. If this sounds too woo-woo spiritual for you, then I completely understand, so let me break it down into logical terms. If you act like the best version of yourself a majority of the time, and learn to suppress your ego, then you are more likely to succeed in many different ways. Since you are presenting someone full of kindness, love, and confidence to the world, more people will be attracted to that contagious energy, leading to more beneficial opportunities from the external world. But why the fuck am I talking about this? Because I believe that the only person one should compare themselves to is their higher self—the best version of themselves. And going back to the quote at the beginning of this section, the only person you should imitate is yourself because you have God in you. Do you think life is equally likely to reward you if you are constantly trying to imitate someone else? If you are doing everything you can to escape yourself? No and no.
As I explained earlier, you will constantly be hurt if you cannot be like the person you are idolizing. And since you are you, you cannot be entirely like someone else, so this is a recipe for mental disaster. Furthermore, since you are not looking within to find answers about how to live a meaningful life, you will not find your best self in the process, robbing you of the rewards that come with stepping into those shoes. In sequence, the process of comparison should look like this: first, if you ever find yourself idealizing someone and feeling bad that you are not like them, remember this truth: you were put on this planet to serve a specific purpose and only you can figure out what that purpose is and how to carry it out. In other words, deep down only you know what’s best for yourself, so why bother with what’s best for someone else. Second, return back to the idea of your higher self. Imagine what the best version of yourself feels and looks like, and what they would do in your current situation. Since this person is you, you have the power to actually become the thing you are idealizing, rather than complaining about how you can never be like someone else.
PURPOSE
“Suffering presents us with a challenge: to find our goals and purpose in our lives that make even the worst situation worth living through.” - Viktor E. Frankl
Constantly practicing the previous three methods is not easy. Therefore, you need something to motivate you to continue the process. I say this because they entail facing your suffering. In other words, confronting your pain and doing your best to turn it into something positive. The vast majority of people do not want to face this pain, as it is sometimes unbearable, so they opt instead for repression and using externalities to temporarily make themselves feel better. But NOT you. You will see your darkness, lower your shoulder, and barge through that motherfucker—finding peace on the other side. However, it’s hard to go straight into this magical portal, so you will need some lubricant. And that lubricant is purpose.
If you have something that you feel like a higher power put you on this earth to do, and you love it deeply, then you will do whatever it takes to act out that mission. For instance, when I am going through my depressive episodes, and it’s difficult to see any sign of light, my purpose will always guide me towards one, such as searching for a lesson in the pain to write about and help others with. Put differently, purpose allows me to push through suffering with a smile on my face, knowing that it will only make me better at what I do. Carrying out your dreams entails getting pummeled to the ground repeatedly and having to always get back up. This skill gets enhanced by willfully sitting through suffering and powering through it. So, always relate your pain back to your purpose, getting a surge of motivation in the process. Additionally, I believe that purpose comes hand in hand with gratitude, since feeling like you have an important role to fill in the world makes life feel more worthwhile. Thus, by going back to your purpose when you are suffering, you are also allowing yourself to feel more grateful to be alive, forcing you to embrace the pain with a big ol' grin. This combination will get you ready to kick ass in no time!
Let’s go back to the initial happiness equation: happiness is the intersection of meaningful internal dialogue, healthy expectations, and managing external comparisons, combined with purpose. Digging deeper into this, to reach a point of happiness—where you are at complete acceptance with everything that is occurring in the present moment—you must be engaging in the three points of intersection simultaneously. However, as I just explained, it is incredibly difficult to do those three things without any concrete motivation, and the best motivation to use is purpose. So, the three points of intersection combined with purpose is what fuels happiness. Since happiness is a choice, it is something that one needs to keep fighting for. The minute you lose motivation, and stop choosing happiness, is the minute happiness will slip through your fingers. This fickle nature of contentment is why it’s so important to allow your purpose to push you through the daily motions of achieving happiness.
