THE DANGER OF COMFORT
5 OCTOBER 2021 (15 MIN READ)
“Comfort is a drug. Once you get used to it, it becomes addicting. Give a weak man consistent sex, good food, cheap entertainment and he’ll throw his ambitions right out the window. The comfort zone is where dreams go to die.” - Unknown
An unfortunate characteristic of my generation is the ability to dream of something you want and genuinely believe it. Although that sounds like a good thing, it’s pretty terrible for one specific reason: you need to work to accomplish a dream. Gen Z-ers will simply believe they are entitled to something and scroll through their phones all day, waiting for that reality to come true. In other words, they are shamelessly addicted to comfort and expect it to help them. And guess which dirty motherfucker loves comfort: your ego. The job of your ego is to protect you from getting hurt, which means it pushes you to stay in your comfort zone—because if you remain inactive, then you will not take any chances, meaning you will not fail. And there is one thing that our egos cannot bear—and that is failure. However, to accomplish anything, you’re going to have to fail miserably countless times and have the courage to keep getting back up. The more someone is willing to fail and show up again after, the more likely they are to succeed. So, if you consistently bathe in comfort and do not allow yourself to get challenged, then you will not succeed. It’s as simple as that. Even worse, you will not be able to see what you are truly capable of.
In my eyes, the goal of life is to die knowing we tried as hard as we possibly could to squeeze ourselves of all our potential. I want to lie exhausted on my deathbed knowing I gave life all I had, smiling and accepting my ultimate demise with joy. Picture yourself in that situation. Will you be cherishing the moments you laid down binging hours of Netflix? Or would you be warmly recounting the moments you dared to take a chance and watched it pay off?
Other than our generational clichés, a prominent psychologist, Angela Duckworth, argues that our main reason for seeking comfort and pleasure lies in evolutionary biology: “Human beings seek pleasure because, by and large, the things that bring us pleasure are those that increase our chances of survival.” And by “things,” she means food and sex. Thus, we are literally wired to crave comfort for our survival. This means that our brains will seek pleasure much more than it seeks discomfort. Knowing this reality, it’s especially important to not listen to your desires and actively resist them. These desires are no longer validated because we are not fending off lions to get some food for our families. Personally, it has helped me to focus on the long-term reward of an action, rather than the immediate gratification. For instance, if I told myself I would work out but all I want to do is play video games, I would compare the rewards of both. On one hand, video games would make me feel awesome in the moment, but I would just feel unaccomplished and drained afterward. On the other hand, exercise will make me feel much more engaged and less anxious for the rest of the day. Once I realize exercise has much better long-term gains, it makes it more likely for me to go and do it.
For the majority of my life, I was heinously addicted to comfort, but not because I was lazy. Most of us who remain inactive justify this behavior through using that adjective, but it goes beyond that. Looking back now, this was the reality: being so scared of failing that I would rather not even try. As I wrote about in this article, nobody believed in me as a kid. And as I kept failing at everything, the disbelief got even stronger, so I eventually stopped trying and accepted my fate as a loser. I’m not saying that to gain your sympathy or enter a victim stance; on the contrary, I’m saying it to inspire you to take some action. The only way I got out of that mess was to stop listening to my self-deprecating thoughts pushing me towards comfort, and embrace challenge—allowing myself to fail miserably. The more times I failed and realized it wasn’t a big deal, the more I allowed myself to get stronger and do better the next time. Taking action and challenging myself quite literally saved me from depression. Without it, I would have continued not believing in myself and laying down on a sofa all day doing absolutely nothing.
“Do you want to be comfortable or do you want to be great?” - Chazz Palminteri
CHERISH DISCOMFORT
I firmly believe that the better you can tolerate and welcome discomfort, the more successful and happy you will become in the long run. And no, this is not some knee-jerk assertion—reasoning and evidence back up my claims. Let’s start with “success,” as it is a little more obvious. Succeeding, whether it be professionally or spiritually, involves some sort of personal growth at each level. And like growing your muscles, growth requires strenuous discomfort. It involves looking at a hard-to-reach goal and telling yourself, “I will endure whatever it takes to get there.” This mentality is important because the more uncomfortable situations one intentionally endures, the more they will grow, and because of this growth, they are more likely to succeed. Let’s say Timmy is rocking a solid dad bod and wants to get a six pack. His ability to succeed in that goal is directly tied to how uncomfortable he is willing to get. Is he able to endure strenuous workouts every day? Can he follow a healthy diet and stay disciplined in that sense? If Timmy can walk into his morning workouts hungry to endure exertion and challenge himself every day, then he will be likely to reach his goal. On the other hand, if he skips his workouts and opts to watch television and eat potato chips, he will not reach his goal. The same goes for any challenging objective you are trying to accomplish—you must stay disciplined. This mentality can be labeled as “grit,” which leading researcher on the word, Angela Duckworth, defines as a combination of “deep and abiding interest, a ready appetite for constant challenge, an evolved sense of purpose, and buoyant confidence in your ability to keep going that no adversity could sink.” Along with developing serious interest and knowing your purpose, Duckworth is basically saying that the more you can cherish discomfort, the more gritty you will become. And according to her, grit is the greatest metric of success. If you’re reading this and you think this mentality will leave you depressed and burned out at an office desk, then I’m imploring you to think again.
According to a study conducted by Duckworth, the more grit you possess, the more likely you are to have higher life satisfaction levels, which is a crucial component of happiness. If you are constantly challenging yourself for a superficial goal you do not believe in, such as slaving away at a desk job to make your parents happy, you will become miserable. The hard work has to be aimed at a cause you feel passionate about—usually something that you feel calls you every waking minute. As Mark Manson puts it, “Who you are is defined by what you are willing to struggle for.” Thus, whatever you struggle for better be something you really fucking believe in and feel honored to fight for, or else you’re setting yourself up for a losing battle.
Besides fighting for what you believe in every day, tolerating discomfort also leads to more happiness for another reason: mastering your negative emotions. Personally, the more I learn to tolerate my negative emotions and change my perspective on them, the more I notice myself becoming happier. When sadness enters my domain, I feel the emotion without editorializing it. I also tell myself, “This is how you get stronger.” If you welcome pain with open arms and try your best to grow from it, it will have much less of a hold over you. Now, when sadness or anxiety comes my way, the process of dealing with the emotion takes no more than twenty minutes and I learn something useful about myself each time. In comparison to the past—where I would get angry at myself for feeling sad and try to avoid the feeling—I feel much happier now. Tolerate whatever discomfort comes your way and focus on the light at the end of the tunnel. Because once you get to the end, you can really soak up that fucking sunshine.
“The ultimate measure of man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.” - Martin Luther King Jr.
GROWTH MINDSET
Those who are lazy and depressed almost always have a fixed mindset, meaning they see their personal qualities and capabilities as fixed—with no room for progress or change. And a fixed mindset comes with a priority of comfort. This reality is due to those with the mentality not believing in themselves to grow, allowing them to avoid getting uncomfortable. Contrastingly, those who possess a growth mindset, a belief that you can learn to do better and be better, are less likely to remain in a state of comfort. Comfort is synonymous with complacency, signifying you do not believe in yourself to overcome failure, so why even try? Those with a growth mindset always try because they embrace failure. They realize it’s the only way they can learn to grow. Striving to be better outweighs any egoistic ideologies surrounding what others think of them. Consider the legendary author, Charles Bukowski. Although he was a raging alcoholic and problematic in many ways, the motherfucker sat at his desk and wrote all night for thirty years straight before receiving any real recognition. That unwavering belief in yourself that tells you to keep fucking going and keep improving is the mentality that creates titans. If you find yourself possessing a fixed mindset, that’s perfectly ok, I did myself for the vast majority of my life. Here is how I broke out of it:
Three key ingredients made up the recipe of my growth mindset: self-belief, purpose, and being an asshole. As stated above, if you do not believe in yourself to overcome failure, you will never take any chances. Instead, you will bathe in comfort while you cower in fear, getting nowhere and becoming more depressed. To combat this, step out of your comfort zone and take a crazy risk. Since I’m a love-obsessed softie at heart, I always like to bring romance into the equation. Approach people you find attractive. Although your mind will see it as a crazy thing to do—force yourself to do it. Not only will you get some numbers, but you will see that your fear of failure wasn’t as real as you thought it was. Once you begin noticing how your ego makes failing way bigger of a deal than it actually is, you will believe in yourself more to overcome it. Next, cultivate a purpose or a goal that you are willing to fight for every day. I know this takes time, but finding it really pays off. Since you are committing your life to a sole objective, you are more likely to want to get better at it every day, making you bounce back from failure at a higher rate. For instance, if you feel that being a teacher is your life calling, and you get rejected from your first job interview, then you are likely to keep going until you get a teaching job. Be so clear on your vision that no obstacle will stop you. Now, for the controversial one, be a fucking asshole. I know I have written about the benefits of being kind, but in terms of having a growth mindset, it’s important to be an asshole at times. Specifically, if somebody doubts your ability to succeed or overcome a moment of failure, stick your middle finger up and laugh in their face. Believe in your ability to improve and adapt so much that you are unwilling to listen to anyone’s opinion on the matter.
PRODUCTIVE RELAXATION
Unlike those miserable motivation influencers on social media, I do not believe in working eighteen hours a day and never relaxing. At some point, you will burn out and forget what it’s like to experience joy. Osho argues that you can only work as hard as you allow yourself to relax. Old me looked at that argument and laughed it off as I went to the gym for the third time that day. Following months of this “always grinding” protocol, I eventually hit a brick wall and had minimal energy for months. I realized I had to change something and thought of Osho’s argument again. Still slightly unconvinced, I talked to some people who I saw as healthily successful: purpose-driven but not addicted to work. Each of them had a ritual after working deeply all day to set the tone for a relaxing evening. Some engaged in yoga, others cooked a meal for their family, and some just watched a funny movie. They all recommended I do something to end the day that relaxes me and allows me to put aside the perfectionist mentality I go through my day with. So, one day I meditated at the end of my work day and watched some crappy reality television. By diving into something so entertaining and hilarious, as well as anti-cerebral, I found all my worries surrounding work that day washing away. Even more profound, the next day I found myself even more focused on my writing. Maybe that motherfucker Osho was right all along. Yes, some weeks or days you may just not have time to relax, but try your best to carve out some sliver of time, because your work will only benefit from it.
The argument also works the other way around: if you relax deeper than your work, then your work will suffer. And “relax” may be the wrong word since most of us engage in hedonic activities on our days off, such as drinking and partying. Nevertheless, make sure that the scales are always balanced. I am emphasizing this because all play and no work can land you into some serious depression. As legendary psychologist Viktor E. Frankl argues, the central driving force for good mental health is having a sense of meaning. Put differently, having a purpose to guide your decisions in life will make you more mentally healthy. And a purpose requires you to do work to contribute to it. Thus, arriving at the assertion that you need some level of work to be happy.
Although this may sound absurd, your purpose can also guide what you choose to do to relax. For instance, I know I cannot smoke weed or drink alcohol as a means to relax after a long day because it makes me worse at writing the day after. However, laughing and getting giggly at some television allows me to escape all the emotionally heavy and depressive topics I write about. This emotional escape allows me to enter my writing with a clearer head. I also engage with my tribe when I can, unpacking my pain and struggles with other men. This also leads me to feel a lot lighter when I sit at my laptop the next day. All in all, whatever relaxation technique you pick, make sure it makes you better at what you were put on this earth to do.
PERSONAL FREEDOM
Spiritual teacher and writer David Deida argues that men constantly search for freedom. Furthermore, they need it to experience emotional wellbeing and to feel accomplished. Although I believe this is more evident for men, every person, regardless of gender or sexuality, has a genetic drive towards freedom. Ok, maybe not the past two presidents of the United States.
Let’s use soccer as an example to illustrate one’s drive towards freedom. The goal of the sport is to beat defenders, unite as a team, and kick a ball into the net to win. Each person watching the sport wishes for their team to beat the obstacles and put the ball in the goal. Although this may seem trivial, we are actually rooting for freedom, and scoring a goal fits into that category. We wish for our team to beat their oppressive opposition and be so strong that they can score a goal, bathing in that freedom from the enemy. Once this is accomplished, the celebration is a reflection of reaching that freedom. This transfers to all aspects of life. Reminisce on a time where you had to work on a long project you wanted absolutely nothing to do with. The oppositions in this case were your own self-deprecating thoughts and the difficulty of the task. Although the task was brutal, once you finished, you felt liberated and ecstatic. That’s the fucking freedom I’m talking about. And after experiencing that, you probably felt much more present and grateful within your life. Each of us needs to experience this personal freedom to achieve happiness and see what we are truly capable of. However, by prioritizing comfort, you are much less likely to experience this freedom. The more you challenge yourself and set up obstacles to overcome, the higher the level of personal freedom you will experience. A tool I like to use to force myself to experience this freedom is delayed gratification.
Since we live in a world of instant gratification, it’s important to actively break that curse to see what you are truly capable of. If you are used to receiving gratification whenever you want, then you will start to take it for granted, meaning you will not challenge yourself to find it. However, if you see gratification as something that has to be earned, then you will be more appreciative of it and start working harder to experience it. To build this habit, set up a reward for yourself once you have finished a task. For example, if you love Instagram, do not let yourself check your feed until you have done something hard. The same can go for anything you wish to start using in moderation. (Not hard drugs or damaging behaviors please). We haven’t evolved to be constantly immediately gratified. In order to find food or comfort, we used to fight for it every day, and once it came, people were much more gratified and united over it. I believe it’s safe to say that depression rates must have been much lower back then due to this. If we take everything for granted, we will be less likely to experience gratitude—a crucial component of happiness. So, try your best to earn gratification and you will start to feel much more satisfied within your own life.
