THE BEAUTIFUL POWER OF ENVY
17 AUGUST 2021 (16 MIN READ)
We often look past envy and fail to see its bright side—getting seduced by its darkness and using it as a means to look down on our lives. Connect to a time where you felt envious of someone. Did you register the feeling of envy at that moment? Or did you go straight to judgment? We have all envied someone unconsciously and used that energy to try to manipulate or think less of them. To stop this habit, the first thing I’m going to ask you to do is sit with yourself and the feeling of envy. Connect with the sensation so you can become aware of its entrance. Now, next time it comes up, treat the emotion with a degree of distance. Do not let it manipulate you into doing something that you will regret. That first step is the biggest step. Because when most people act on envy, they are not aware of the emotion; it becomes second nature to them—completely disconnecting from the negative sensation and becoming accustomed to the mental loop it creates. The next step is to reframe envy as a reminder of what wounds you need to heal from the past. The rest of this article will show you how to do so, and consequently argue the powerful utility of envy as a tool for healing. But first, as always, let me recount a time where envy got the best of me and made me act like a fucking asshole.
As a 20-year-old fuckboy, I used to be an envious little shit. Whenever someone gained power over me in a social or romantic setting, a fire would be lit inside me, and I would try my best to dominate that person. Many powerful examples of this exist from my toxic past, but one story in particular perfectly puts it into perspective. There was this girl I would make out with occasionally at parties, but I couldn’t get past that stage of sporadic lip-locking. Because of the neediness instilled in me by my absent mother, that unsure reality of where I stood with a romantic interest drove me crazy. All I could think about was this girl and how to make her dependent on me. Eventually, to my delight, I heard from some mutual friends that she actually liked me and was waiting for me to make a move. Holy shit, it’s all my fault. Of course she liked me. I’m such a fucking idiot. Turns out it was false chatter and she wasn’t the biggest fan of my needy ass. That same night, I went to my fraternity’s formal with some of my guy friends who were not in the frat—leaving the door open for multiple women.
As I arrived at the pre-game party, I saw her standing next to a tall, lanky man. Turns out it was her date. Immediately, the feeling of envy ran through my body and I was enraged. I needed to make this guy irrelevant and ruin his whole night. The poor guy was a sweet, charismatic, friendly soul who she met in her math class. Unfortunately, he crossed paths with a deeply wounded man trying to prove himself in all the wrong ways. At the formal, when I saw them getting comfortable with each other, I swooped in, took her to dance, and kissed her. Take that motherfucker. You ain’t got shit on me. He was twice the man I was—and I still feel like an asshole to this day. However, to have some compassion for myself, I had no idea the root cause of my envy was an uncared-for little boy trying to prove to himself that he was worthy of love. And, unconsciously, I let that infantile wound drive through me for twenty years. That need for maternal love as a child was so strong in me. Growing up, I would make friends with kids who had healthy relationships with their mothers, just so I could experience what it was like to have an invested maternal figure in my life. Although I did not realize this was the case until I started unpacking my feelings of envy in therapy. After years of work, that version of myself is way in the past, but envy still visits me from time to time. All I can do in those moments is connect with my child self and hold him—without judgment and full of love, while reminding myself that he’s not steering the ship. Envy shows us where our biggest wounds lie: those areas of life we felt robbed of as a kid. We must use the emotion of envy to tap into that vulnerable place and come out with more awareness surrounding our identity.
ENVY, THE TEACHER
Envy serves as an invitation to investigate a moment where we felt wronged. For instance, for everything you have felt envious of, you’ve probably experienced the polar opposite of it—such as having envy for someone with a six pack when you have a beer belly. Consider me as a kid, I was constantly envious of my friends with present mothers. And that was because I had the opposite in my life: an absent mother. The same goes for academic achievements, romantic success, etc. The base layer of envy comes down to the way your parents treated you. So, connect with your childhood experiences. Step into the shoes of your child self and really feel their energy. Were you missing love? Presence? Compassion? Freedom of expression? All of the above? If you can’t seem to find an answer, that’s perfectly fine, because envy will do it for you.
The areas where you have been the most envious throughout your life—are the ones that need the most healing. One approach to healing is a practice called shadow work. No, it does not mean crouching down in a dark alley and summoning dark entities. Instead, it consists of revisiting the pain that broke you in the past. (Before going down that road, you should consult with a professional). For example, if you felt abandoned by a parent, you can connect with the pain you experienced as a child and release it. As we grow older, we tend to repress the emotional pain we experienced as a child through our logic. Mental words become an escape for pain. Men often call themselves “soft” or “pussies” in their head to repress emotions. Women often spiral in their heads, searching for a logical answer to their pain, instead of paying attention to the root issue: emotional release. The more we repress our childhood wounds, the stronger they get, which means they will start holding more unconscious power over our behaviors. They can lead people to become abusive, aggressive, toxic, addicts, the list goes on. A good way to change this unfortunate narrative is to release the childhood grief we all hold on to. Personally, I used to get possessive in relationships and freak out whenever my partner was distant. No logical trick or therapy helped me until I did the shadow work. This work consisted of me staring at old pictures of myself as a kid, connecting with his pain, and releasing it for hours. Suddenly, I started to feel much more at ease.
I would have never known where my pain stemmed from without paying attention to my envy. By unpacking the moments where I needed to have someone else’s life, I realized what was missing from my own: understanding my journey. You must understand your life first before focusing on someone else’s. By that, I mean focus on your faults and traumas before you judge someone else—positively or negatively. Because if those internal wounds stay repressed and away from the conscious mind, they will begin to color the lens in which you view others. To accomplish this, envy needs to stop being a “them” issue and should only be seen as a “me” issue. Instead of going straight to “Fuck, I can’t believe that person has what I can’t seem to get,” tell yourself, “what does this person have that I felt robbed of as a kid?” By doing so, you will start to understand your life and points of trauma better, and consequently will have more compassion for others. Unravel that emotional turmoil of your inner child and you will see the envy wasn’t worthwhile. People also often use envy as a way to develop a superiority complex. For example, consider a time where you have seen somebody you are attracted to, and then suddenly someone starts holding their hand. Our brain immediately starts sizing up that object of envy and goes straight to, “I’m so much better than that person. I can’t believe they’re with them.” Whenever that happens, it is imperative to look within and ask yourself, “Why the fuck do I care? What happened to me in the past that makes me jealous of a random stranger receiving love?” Envy is always a personal issue, but we must allow it to be. The focus has to be shifted into our own lives, because that’s all we really have. Always remember the great J. Cole’s powerful words: “No such thing as a life that’s better than yours (Love yours).” You only have your life to live. And that can be a constant sad reality or the motivation to become the best version of yourself.
SELF-SABOTAGE
Envy reduces down to a lack of self-belief. For example, let’s consider the common object of envy we’ve all shared in high school—that really smart person who effortlessly aces every test. We were only envious of that person because we did not believe we could do that ourselves. Our ego then searched for ways to put that person down to level the playing field. That person has definitely never had sex. I look so much better than them. There’s no fucking way they could beat me in a race. Envy unconsciously breeds doubt inside of ourselves, which then leads our ego to overcompensate. This is why so many nerds get bullied. But all those angry, egoistic reactions stem from your internal bully, who repeatedly tells you that you can’t do something. And that monstrous bully feeds off of envy, so our relationship with the emotion must change.
Some call me corny and delusional, but I genuinely believe you can do anything you put your mind to. Whenever someone tells me their dreams, I tell them I firmly believe they can accomplish them—as long as they use the three key ingredients: self-belief, hard work, and patience. The other day, my short, white friend said he wanted to play professional basketball. While others laughed, I looked him in the eye and asked if he was working hard. Once he said yes, I told him I believed he could do it. Throughout my childhood, I was bottom of the class, fat, unathletic, repulsive to girls, and my parents thought I would amount to nothing. Once I turned sixteen, I simply started believing in myself. When people told me I couldn’t do something, I laughed in their face and worked hard. I have now accomplished things I could never have imagined when I was younger. All it took was self-belief. I used to be the most envious motherfucker in the room, but that was only because I thought so little of myself. Why am I telling you all of this? Because I only got to where I am through mastering my envy.
When envy would start coming up in me, I would ask myself: what am I not believing in? And every time, it would be myself. I would then switch to: if they can do it, I can do it. No, not at the snap of a finger, but through hard work and self-belief. I would then go on and ask my object of envy what they did to get to where they are. Often, they would recommend books they had read, productivity hacks, and mindset goals to strive towards. I would then implement those strategies into my life and use what fit. I am not cocky when I say this and I don’t care if you think I am: I can do whatever I set my mind to. And so can you. You just have to tend to the areas in life where you don’t believe in yourself and prove those demons wrong. Obviously, there are certain things that are impossible. I cannot be an Olympic sprinter or an astrophysicist. We can’t kid ourselves and pretend genetics don’t play a role in life. It’s not my fault I was handed down bum knees and numerical stupidity. But the rule I like to follow is: if you can seriously imagine yourself doing it, and you want to do it, then it is within reach.
Although it’s important to be aware of envy within ourselves and how it affects us, it’s also imperative to recognize envy in others, or else you might find yourself with a knife in the back. Just like you can become envious of someone who’s accomplishing something you couldn’t imagine yourself doing, others can too, and they can get quite vicious. Their revenge can go one of two ways. One, they only spend time with you to live the life they wish they had—depending on you to fix their insecurities. Or two, they will try to take the envy-worthy aspects of your life away from you. Since we do not want either of those things to happen, here is the best way to recognize if someone is envious of you to a fault.
The first step is to assess what you feel like they are missing from their life and how it relates to you. For example, if they don’t have any romantic success and you do. Next, and this is the most important part, tell them something good about that part of your life. Like how nice your partner is or discussing a potential romantic getaway. As soon as you tell them that, watch the moment before they react: that is their real reaction. If their eyes freeze and you sense anger, along with a brief false smile—they are envious of you. This may not be enough to end a friendship, but it is enough to watch your back. However, I do believe that you should only surround yourself with people who want the best for you and celebrate your accomplishments. All in all, remember the bad things envy has driven you to do in the past, and how the same can be done unto you. Although envy has this beautiful quality of growth if implemented correctly, it can also destroy relationships.
COUNTERACT
Last week’s article, “Why Feelings are Funny,” emphasized the power of reframing emotions to best serve you in the moment. The article more so focused on anxiety and depression, but the same argument applies to the feeling of envy. We can consciously allow the feeling to trigger our darkness, or we can use the sensation to raise awareness and act in the way we know is right. To do so, here are the three steps to counteract the negative side of envy: presence, humanization, and celebration.
In terms of presence, when you wish you were living the life of somebody else, bring yourself back into your body and the present moment, reminding yourself that you are enough. As the healer Abdi Assadi beautifully puts it, “Start with where you are. Instead of wanting to be somewhere else.” If we get into the habit of telling ourselves we need something to be happy, we will spend our whole lives chasing that thing. On the other hand, if you learn to love whatever moment you are in and the point you are at in your life, nothing will really phase you. So treat those moments of envy as an opportunity to remind yourself to be content with what you have right now. In turn, making you infinitely more happy. Next, it is important to humanize the object of envy. We often forget that those we idolize and have jealousy for are exactly the same as us. They get anxious. They get sad. They get angry. They take shits in the morning. They masturbate in the shower. They are simply you with a different back story. Connect with them at a human level and understand they struggle too. After this step has been completed, turn your envy into respect. What I mean by that is to respect the quality you find yourself envious of in someone else. Understand the amount of hard work and pain it took to obtain that positive quality and remind yourself how it is possible to get there yourself. Use them as motivation. You can also ask the person questions as to how they got to where they are. Hold no shame in that. However, in terms of envy for physical attributes like muscles or a jawline, a different strategy should be applied. First, you can respect beauty without feeling like you need to have it. No matter how attractive someone is, there will always be someone better looking, so that rule goes for everyone. Second, if you find yourself envious of someone’s physique, you can use that as motivation to get fit, if that’s what you want at that moment. Third, take physical envy as an opportunity to remind yourself to cultivate your self-worth. You only have this body and face. You have no choice—unless you go the Michael Jackson route. So, you kind of have to love it. You can aspire to have healthy changes physically, but that does not mean you don’t have to love your body and mind every step of the way.
Finally, and this is the most important one, force yourself to celebrate others’ accomplishments. If a friend achieves something that you’ve wanted for yourself, energetically bathe in their happiness and put yourself aside. Although this may feel forced at first, by celebrating your friends’ accomplishments with passion, and putting away your envious thoughts, over time you will start to genuinely be happy for others. After cultivating this habit, the attention will start to turn away from others and purely onto yourself. And that is how you flip the script on envy.
CONDITIONING
In today’s day and age, we are manipulated to be envious due to its monetary advantages. Yes, this quality has always been around, with commercials and television capitalizing off of it. But now with social media, this quality has taken a turn for the worse. Back when digital entertainment was restricted to television, viewers would become envious of their favorite characters momentarily. However, once the television turned off, they were back to their lives and making the most of it. Now, with social media, people have no break from the manipulated envy. They are constantly refreshing their stories and comparing themselves to hundreds of people a day. That shit is simply not natural. To research this section, I properly went through all the Instagram stories and posts of the people I follow. These were the following thoughts that came to mind:
Why the fuck am I not on a beach? I can’t believe she’s with him now. Fuck, I could die next week. Nevermind, everyone is an idiot. How does everyone seem so happy in this video? This fucking asshole has no idea what he is talking about. Wow, she really did not need plastic surgery. Those are some cool jeans. I wish I were with those people—I feel pretty lonely now.
As you can see from my diabolical thoughts, social media is designed to bring the worst out of our judgment. Pictures do not tell a full story. All they do is present a pretty mask and hide the monster underneath. If we constantly compare our lives to people’s false social media posts, then we have no real basis to live by. This sounds simple and corny, but stick to your own life and try your best to not compare it to others. This motto is monumentally important in navigating the age of comparison we are in. I’m not recommending giving up social media, but rather to use it wisely. You can use it as a tool to master your envy or become consumed by it. The choice is yours.
