SHADOW WHAT?
25 JANUARY 2022 (14 MIN READ)
The spiritual/self-help world has become filled with a bunch of people as soft as wet tissue paper, leading them to refuse to feel or genuinely look at any pain inside of them. They do whatever they can to always remain happy and reside in the highest frequency possible. Although this “permanent” happiness sounds good in theory, these people are dangerous because what they are teaching is a get rich quick scheme for emotional wealth. Sooner or later, their undealt with trauma will either destroy them or the people around them. With this inability to look inside, when people like this often talk about “shadow work,” they have no fucking clue what it really means. They just say it to give the impression that they are doing “the work,” while in reality all they do is bathe in their own narcissistic thoughts. Since the majority of these “healers” are the leaders of the self-help world, your understanding of the concept is a reflection of their own idiocy. And it’s not your fault—blame the snake oil salesmen. This article is an attempt to break this bad pattern and explain what shadow work really means. But more importantly, give a blueprint on how to do shadow work to benefit your personal development and become less controlled by your egoistic impulses. And as much as these self-help influencers want to make it seem like a beautiful, easy process, I hate to break it to you, but the real version gets dark and messy. It is never easy, and it will never be my intention to make it seem that way.
Shadow work is the process of becoming aware of the unconscious mechanisms that negatively influence your behavior, as well as integrating that newfound knowledge into your psyche, becoming one with your darkness in the process.
Within the term, there are two specific words: “shadow” and “work.” Let’s begin by unpacking what “shadow” really means. When you are walking on the beach on a gorgeous, sunny, vibrant day, no matter what, your shadow remains behind you. But how often do we take the time to observe this shadow? And even when we do, we look at it as something separate from us—a weird thing lurking in the background. This treatment of our physical shadow is eerily similar to the way we treat the one inside of ourselves. Most of the time, we refuse to look at it because we either do not know it is there, or we are too scared to accept that part of ourselves. And even if we do accept it, we still see it as something quite separate from us—like a monster we have to rid ourselves of. You must be thinking what the “it” is that I am referring to here. The “it” is the pain inside of ourselves that unconsciously, and at times consciously, dictates our behavior. This is the shadow. It’s always lurking in the background and it’s up to us how much we want to bring it into awareness, as well as accept it as a part of us. Because the more unfamiliar we become with our own shadow, the more likely we are to eventually find ourselves in complete darkness, searching for any remnant of light we can find.
Since we covered the shadow, it’s time to dive into what “work” entails. The “work” is the process of becoming familiar with the root causes of pain within yourself and integrating that realization into your concept of self. This seems relatively easy in theory, but until you have actually looked at yourself in the mirror and truly acknowledged the deep trauma inside of yourself, then you will never know how difficult it really is. It takes true bravery to go through this process, which is why the vast majority of the world will never be able to do it. Some may think after reading this, “Why would I need to become one with and accept the shit inside of myself? Shouldn’t I just rid myself of it as fast as possible?” And to that I say, you cannot love yourself until you truly love ALL of you—not just the parts that you like. Also, there is no way to quickly get rid of anything inside of yourself. You cannot rush the healing process. And nothing really ever goes away, one just has to learn to tolerate the pain.
Now that shadow work has been defined, the rest of this article will cover how to go about doing the shadow work.
STARING AT THE DARKNESS
“When you look in the mirror, that’s the one person that you cannot lie to.” - David Goggins
We all have the desire to see ourselves in the most favorable way possible, trying our best to hide our monsters behind the curtain that is our conscious mind. The problem with those hidden monsters is that, like mushrooms, they grow best in the dark. Even worse, behind that curtain exists your subconscious mind, which actually makes up around 95% of your brain, leading those huge monsters to wreak havoc in that unknown territory—and as a result, controlling your reality without your knowledge. Providing a concrete example of this, consider my own story of being an emotionally abusive partner. A couple of years ago, I had started a new relationship where I really opened up my heart and allowed myself to love. This had never been the case before. And the more I fell in love, the more terrified I was of getting hurt. Unfortunately, I had no clue this was the case and my fear acted through me unconsciously. Whenever another man’s name would pop up on my partner’s phone, I would immediately get accusatory and angry. When my partner would not answer her phone for a while, I would get pissed at her and blame her for making me feel bad. If something she was wearing was too revealing, I would demand that she change her clothes. And any time a guy would look at her the wrong way, I would be ready to knock his head off. The craziest part is that I had no clue I was doing anything wrong. I just believed that I was acting out of love.
It’s not easy to write about the messed-up person I was, but I needed to accept that I was deeply fucked up to create any change. I had to stare at myself in the mirror and look at the monster inside of me—and how that deranged creature was ruining the person I loved so much. I knew that something had to change, but I did not understand what was causing it, leading to a constant state of anger and confusion. Whenever I would go in front of the mirror after I did something controlling, I would feel repulsed by my reflection. I felt as if I was looking at a legitimate pile of shit. I was utterly broken and hated all of the darkness in me. Then, after some deep therapy and inner discovery, I realized that the monster inside of me was just a little boy with unmet needs. A little boy whose parents could never give him what he wanted and deserved emotionally. A little boy in constant pain and disappointment. A little boy who allowed himself to love but would always end up deeply hurt. And most importantly, a little boy who lacked the power to stand up for himself and fight back. And once that little boy grew up, he used those mechanisms to defend himself from getting hurt again, controlling his partner in the process. Once I realized that this loving little kid was causing all of my issues, the hate inside of myself dissipated. I knew that I had to give this kid the love he could never find as a child. So, instead of blaming my pain on my partner and trying to control her actions, I started to allow my inner child to grieve and I held his hand along the way. I welcomed his pain and nurtured it because I understood that’s what it took to heal him. After about two years straight of doing this work, my inner child has stopped controlling me in my relationship and I’m a healthy romantic partner, for the most part.
To get to this place, I first had to recognize that something deeply wrong was going on inside of me. Next, I had to ask for help in vigorously searching for what the root cause of the darkness was. And once the answer was revealed, I had to do the inner work to accept and love that pain inside of me—also known as “integration”—which will be the theme of the next section.
If I had not had the realization that I was becoming a deeply fucked up human being, I could have gone on to do much worse. By the time I hit forty, I would not be surprised if I ended up becoming physically abusive to both my partner and kids. The shadows inside of us become much larger the longer they reside in unconscious territory. This is why it’s so important to bring that darkness to light—in the form of awareness—to save ourselves from the monsters we have the power to be. And if you want to become aware of how large shadows can become, look no further than any history book—full of examples of inflictors of genocide. Those people were once children with a blank slate, who, through trauma, abuse, and plots for revenge, became the people that are now known as the most evil humans to ever see the light of day. The crazy part is that we all have the same capacity for good and evil. What separates us is merely our reaction to the paths that life sends us down.
INTEGRATION
“It is a frightening thought that man also has a shadow side to him, consisting not just of little weaknesses and foibles, but of a positively demonic dynamism.” - Carl Jung
Although it is brutally challenging to acknowledge the darkness within, it’s even harder to become one with that shadow and treat it with love. The journey of becoming familiar with our shadow, and learning to nurture it, is the process of integration. Most people will become aware of a darkness within themselves, but refuse to look at it, opting instead for repression and complacency in the name of morality—aka wanting to feel and be seen as good. For instance, consider the intense sexual urges of incels, who, rather than searching for sexual partners and risking potential humiliation, stay stuck behind a computer screen, masturbating away and plotting their potential revenge. Instead of looking at their romantic, vulnerable desire for a partner, and getting to know their object of desire, they remain in the comfortable hole of refusing to look at their own wounding: the feeling that no one should be subjected to the horrible person that they are. By trying to save their objects of desire from pain and humiliation, they suppress their desires and stay hidden in a corner, slowly rotting away. After years of this story going on, and a refusal to face the vulnerability at the core of their pain, they start shifting that internal rage towards the world, leading to the narratives of wanting to destroy everyone. So, what started off as a refusal to confront one’s desire for love, as well as an inability to accept what’s causing them to be undesirable, ended up becoming a need to kill those who looked down upon them. As you can see, not staring at the problematic sides of oneself can end up leading someone towards genuine evil.
At a more relatable level, in this hyper-politically correct era, men will suppress their anger in order to seem more affectionate and caring, repressing their true nature so they can be seen as “moral.” However, where does this anger go? In short, it doesn’t go anywhere. It either leaks out to areas that are seen as “morally justified,” such as “woke” politics, or it will simmer inside until it explodes. Offering a good perspective on this phenomenon, take this Jordan Peterson quote: “If you think tough men are dangerous, wait until you see what weak men are capable of.” A man who is deeply familiar with his internal rage and has seen the pain it can cause others, is much less likely to act off of it. However, a man who refuses to face his own anger and constantly suppresses it will eventually explode, doing monstrous things in the process. Personally, I have always possessed a deep inner rage, but it took me a long time to accept it and work with it. In the past, whenever my anger arose in social situations, I would put a smile on my face and refuse to address it, instead opting to “spread kindness” to better fit into society. However, when I got to college, this internal anger started manifesting in dark ways, as I began manipulating people to become dependent on me and treating women egotistically to soothe my own needs. I unconsciously adopted a similar mindset to the previously described incel. Although I was not a white supremacist, I refused to accept my own internal rage and took it out on the world—forcing others to pay the price. It took me getting to a place of suicide and ruining deep friendships to suddenly realize that I had to face my own internal rage. Three years later and I’m still in the process of integration. But what exactly does this look like?
In essence, it means staring at your deepest, darkest vulnerabilities and slowly becoming ok with them. Behind all that rage was a chubby, socially anxious kid with terrible eczema, begging for anyone to love him. What started there ended up becoming an obsessive need to make everyone love me, and if they didn’t, a serious rage drove me to manipulate them to change that. I had to drop all the pride within myself and accept that I was still that chubby kid. Furthermore, I became familiar with the thought patterns that arose from that time. So, any time someone would be rude or dismissive towards me, I would pay attention to any thoughts of needing love or wanting to manipulate for love. And instead of hating them, I would tap into the younger self inside of me and check in on how he was doing. If he had to release heavy emotions, I would do so without any judgment. After doing this for many years, the need for others to love me has drastically reduced and the triggers that come with it are becoming much less charged. I could not have gotten to this place without allowing myself to see the monster I had become. If I had continued to ignore that inner rage, while acting polite and “healthily” masculine, I would have become a different kind of beast. I am scared of that person I could have become, but I am genuinely happy with the person I am now—full of love and gratitude. The amount of love and light you release is a direct reflection of how much darkness you have allowed yourself to face. And by not staring at your own evil, you are not allowing yourself to be as good as you can really be.
In every story, there’s a hero and a villain, but without a villain, there’s no hero. You can only allow yourself to be a hero if you defeat the villain inside of you, which involves meeting them face-to-face and suffering the consequences. But the longer you wait to meet that villain, the more time you have given them to inflict damage on the world.
JOY
“Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times. If only one remembers to turn on the light.” - Dumbledore
If one diagram could accurately describe what’s going on inside of us energetically, look no further than the yin-yang symbol. Although at face value it suggests that we are equal parts dark and light, which is a powerful enough statement already, the true importance of the symbol resides in the line between darkness and light. This line is us—the magician dancing between order and chaos. And the more we perfect the skill of the dancer, the more peace we will find in life. Too much darkness will land you in deep depression and anger, while ignoring your darkness will lead to an inability to discover your true nature, as well as your darkness unconsciously acting through you. Both are pretty terrible options, so the only choice is to be that line, acting as the mediator between pain and joy. Thus, while integrating the shadow and feeling the pain of that darkness, we must be able to bounce back into joy soon after.
I have a three-step process that I use to immerse myself back into the light after dealing with my shadow: release, reset, and replenish. First, I release any trapped energy in my body from staring at my shadow. If I have to cry, yell, or beat my pillow up, I do so until I have basically nothing left in me. Next, I will meditate for as long as it takes to reach a point of complete presence, so I can stop being a reflection of my past and create a new future for myself. Finally, to replenish, I do something that will bring my inner child immense joy. For me, that activity is often playing sports or doing something physically active.
On the other hand, the best way to tell if you are spending too much time away from your own darkness is if your negative emotions start flaring up or if you suddenly snap and do something you would not normally do. Take these moments as invitations to journey into the darkness within. I promise you will only come out stronger. Getting curious about the patterns behind your negative thoughts and emotional outbursts is a great place to start.
