RELEASING THE DRAMA
21 FEBRUARY 2023 (14 MIN READ)
Whether it be binge-watching the Kardashians, reading tabloids, or gossiping with our friends, drama has become as prevalent as the air we breathe. Like Scarface plowing his way through a mountain of cocaine and still needing more, we live in an era where drama is pervasive, yet we can’t get enough of it. For example, consider the average day of an American interested in pop culture. They wake up and check social media for the latest updates about their favorite celebrities. One day it could be what Billie Eilish got from Starbucks or how Harry Styles is wearing another dress yet again. They then compare themselves to these celebrities and how their lives don’t match up. Once they reach work or school, they begin talking with their friends about who’s dating who and how that certain someone is still such an asshole. Throughout their workday, they continue to check Instagram and think about what other people are up to in the office, as well as what they may think about them. Once the day is over, they curl up on the sofa and turn on their favorite reality show, as well as continuously refresh Twitter while watching. Even if it isn’t pop culture, you can replace it with anything that is going on outside the self, such as politics or the news.
We’ve become addicted to the drama that exists outside of us, to the point that we can’t even recognize our own lives in the process. We are giving all our power away to things that don’t even know we exist, such as celebrities or news outlets, or to people and situations that we have no control over. There are two reasons why we get so obsessed with the drama that exists around us. One, we are unconsciously terrified of focusing inward and noticing what parts of ourselves need to heal, opting instead for focusing on the faulty lives of others. And two, our ego feeds off the dramatic stories of the ‘I’. The more the ‘I’ has things to latch on to and fear, the more fuel it has to continue serving its core function of keeping its host in an anxious survival mode.
The rest of this article will begin by digging deeper into these two core functions of drama, how we can become aware of this pattern arising in our daily lives, the ways in which we can move past this way of living, and how to stay on this new path amidst the constant temptations to steer off of it.
WHY WE LOVE DRAMA
To unpack the two previously stated mechanisms of drama, let’s begin with the first one: focusing on the drama of others to ignore the issues within ourselves. There are two main ways in which this reality manifests itself: through judgment and blame. When we judge others, it’s often because we don’t want to accept the very thing we are judging that person for in ourselves. There are many morals my late mother instilled in me that made my life infinitely better. The best one probably being that whenever you’re pointing a finger at someone else, you have three fingers pointing back at you. Back in college, I was always surrounded by socially awkward nerds in my classes, whom I would find myself judging and silently demeaning. I was never rude or mean, but I criticized them constantly in my head. At the time, I thought I was above them, and that my judgments were justified due to my placement in the social hierarchy; however, I eventually came to realize that my judgments of them were covering up my need to seem cool or sexy to receive validation. Deep down, I fucking hated having to dress fashionably, pretend like I didn’t find nerdy shit interesting like political theory, as well as not being able to show that I was kind of an awkward, strange person myself. My judgments of them were really a disguise to not see that side of myself, who just wanted to be that nerdy free spirit that I was keeping in chains.
When we judge other people for something specific, it can serve as an unconscious habit to hide truths in ourselves that we don’t want to see. But recognizing that truth is what can ultimately free us and lead us to residing in a more authentic version of self. So, next time you find yourself judging someone intensely, take a step back with loving awareness and try to find what you’re avoiding in yourself. Because in reality, by shaming that projected side in someone else, you end up shaming it in yourself, putting that part of you in a box without even realizing it. To break free, begin seeing that piece of you that needs to be free for you to fully be yourself. The more you start unlocking these cages that were previously locked by external judgments, the more you will start feeling like yourself and leading a happier life.
In terms of the second mechanism of drama—the fact that the egoistic ‘I’ needs drama as a food source to survive—this one can be the hardest to face and accept. The truth is, we are all addicted to the mental stories that make things into a much bigger deal than they really are. Whether it be creating theoretical scenarios as to why that person didn’t text us back, or why our friend canceled plans last minute, our ego—the part of ourselves that is trying to keep us in the same protective box it has always known—wants to logically analyze situations to release the feelings we are familiar with. If we grew up in a household where love was hard to obtain and we never felt like we were enough, then the ego will analyze every situation in a way that releases that familiar feeling of unworthiness. In comparison to someone who grew up feeling worthy, the more insecure person will react to someone ignoring their text as a reason to feel unworthy, whereas the more secure person will analyze the situation to match that security, such as telling themselves that the person is probably just busy and it has nothing to do with them. In other words, both parties analyze the situation in a way to release the feelings they are most familiar with. Although the secure person’s stories will lead to less personal suffering, both sides are using external situations to feed mental conclusions that keep them in the same box of identity that they feel the most comfortable in.
The problem with this reality is that life doesn’t give a fuck what you think about yourself. It just happens, and the more you need to attach reasons to what happens, the more your ego is trying to use the occurrences of life as a vehicle to make you feel like you are in control. If someone doesn’t text you back, is there any way of really knowing why they did that? Even if you have a good guess, you have no idea about the unconscious intricacies of their mind that led them to make that decision. Any guess you stick to and believe is just a protective mechanism to not feel like you have no control over reality. Although some of you reading this are probably thinking it’s good to feel like you’re in control—not in the way you are trying to apply it. The only thing you have control over is the way you react to external and internal events. Thus, the focus should be placed entirely on that. When you try and analyze external situations that you have truly no understanding over, you are taking away one of the biggest powers you have over yourself, which is to become ok with not knowing something that has nothing to do with you. Although it will be difficult to not attach analytical reasons to external situations, try your best to live life without the need to attach stories, merely coexisting with the happenings of life with radical acceptance and peace. Living story free will go against everything your ego knows, but I promise it’ll be worth the fight.
To paint a picture of what this looks like, consider the previously used example of someone not texting you back. Living life away from the protective, dramatic stories of the ‘I’ would entail accepting that a text hasn’t been answered and leaving it at that. Simple right? If it was so simple, then why would almost none of us react that way? Because we need the mental drama to protect ourselves from having to experience life outside of what we have always known. If we have never practiced accepting things objectively and tolerating the peace that comes with that, then how can we be expected to operate that way automatically? Since we have all practiced using drama as a protective mechanism, no wonder it has become the main way to handle life. But it’s time to break away! And like implementing any new habit, awareness is always the first step.
CATCHING THE FLAME
To live outside the mental space of drama, one needs to become aware of when they are engaging in it. This awareness can look like catching yourself judging someone or creating useless solutions to something you have no control over. In these moments, your frame of mind has to become focused on this life-changing question: how quickly can I return to objective reality? For example, let’s say your flight gets delayed for two hours, and all your mind wants to do is complain and come up with various scenarios as to why this is happening, spending wasted time getting angry about a pilot’s potential whereabouts. In that theoretical scenario, you chose drama over accepting objective reality. Ideally, if one finds their flight delayed, then they should quickly accept that and since they have no control over it, stop worrying about it and fill their time doing something more productive than getting emotional and complaining. In terms of a more challenging situation, consider a time where you got romantically rejected and spent a lot of your time emotionally resisting the pain, as well as constantly coming up with various possible ways you came up short or ways you could win them over. This can sometimes be a week-long process, but for many it also takes years. Why does this process occur? Because we cannot accept objective reality.
In this instance, objective reality wasn’t just the romantic rejection, but also the emotional wounds it brought up, such as feeling unworthy of love or like you aren’t enough. If one were to perceive the situation truthfully, then they would focus on that they DID get romantically rejected and it brought up feelings that have NOTHING to do with the situation. However, the sensations are here now and give an opportunity to get released from the body once and for all. What creates drama in this scenario is the resistance to ACCEPTING the rejection and ACCEPTING the pain in the body. This resistance plays out as drama, such as coming up with various scenarios as to why they made that decision, but all that really does is keep you stuck in the intellect and not truly processing the pain in your system. Once you use awareness to catch that you are not accepting objective reality, you can then guide your mind to become present with the reality of the situation, both externally and internally, avoiding distracting, useless drama in the process.
PUTTING OUT THE FLAME
To put out the fire of mental drama, you have to allow yourself to get burned. Once you catch the mental loops in your mind analyzing external events that you have no control over, the next step is realizing that all they’re doing is distracting you from feeling the pain within. As the accurate, yet clichéd, saying goes, “the only way out is through.” Allowing yourself to feel the fire entails searching for the flame within you that you don’t want to see and then being with it, without any distraction. In terms of how to find it, not much logic should be used here, but rather intuitive intelligence, which entails quieting the mind and getting in touch with the body. Whether it be grief, anger, or joy, something is stuck in you that needs to be felt. And all the pervasive, negative mental loops are attempting to distract you from feeling that sensation that seems so unfamiliar. This is why it’s so important to exist outside of the protective mental loops and find the buried sensation.
Once you locate the hidden feeling, first become ok with being with it and then go all the way in. In terms of the first step, becoming ok with a sensation boils down to telling yourself that it’s safe to be with the feeling. This primes your body and mind to dive into the somatic release without any resistance. When you feel ready to go all the way in, feel the sensations without any narration from the mind. When I’m in the middle of feeling an intense, trapped emotion, I focus on the color black and do my best to just feel. Consider the example of the aftermath of a breakup. Let’s say one’s mind is frequently saying negative things about their ex or thoughts of victimhood surrounding the situation, like “no one will love me again.” To put out the flame, once these thoughts have been caught by awareness as dramatic protective mechanisms, one would need to locate the grief they are avoiding by quieting the mind. Once the grief has been accessed, one has to tell their body and mind that it’s safe to feel this emotion. And finally, feel it to its fullest extent, requiring one to bypass the protective thoughts of the mind and focusing on just the sensation. Now that the buried sensation has been released, one will notice their negative thoughts dissipate and a new room for love will be created in their system.
However, this release does not mean that the feeling will be gone forever. As human beings with cocky tendencies, we can falsely assume that once we process an emotion for a little bit of time, it will never come back. But in reality, we don’t really have any control over that. What we do have control over is knowing we can process the sensation when it inevitably comes back. And this ability to be with, as well as process, new pain we discover in our system is dependent on our ability to remain inward and away from the drama on the outside.
REMAINING INWARD
Remaining inward is the ultimate antidote to living a life of drama, as we learn to tune out the noise on the outside. But if we ever react to it, then we know we can own that as our doing and clear the energy from our system quickly, instead of blaming the drama and getting stuck in it. Although this sounds good in theory, how can one actually learn to remain inward and taste its freedom? First, one needs to understand the power of it versus constantly being reactive to and obsessing over external events one cannot control. What sounds better? Living life in a constant state of fear over things that you have absolutely no control over, such as worrying about whether your sports team will win that day, or feeling so powerful internally that you are not attached to external things matching your expectations to escape suffering. I hope the latter does, or else you may be reading the wrong article. I’m stating this as the starting point because we need a reason to remain inward beyond willpower, as willpower only lasts for so long. Whenever my mind starts attaching to drama, the first thing I do is intuitively sense how much better it feels to not go into drama, which then forces me into taking the next step: asking myself why I needed that drama in the first place.
Whether it be getting triggered by a political event and refreshing the news, obsessing over a new celebrity update, or waiting for the right moment to send a friend an angry text, I take a step back before I dive into that tempting drama and try to figure out what I need to give myself in that moment. If it’s fear of the state of the world, then that means I’m deeply devoid of love and gratitude, which I will then give myself in that moment. If it’s reading articles about a celebrity’s new love interest, then I get real with myself about how lonely I might feel in that moment and honor that. If it’s sending an angry text, then I remind myself that sending the text won’t fix the feeling, and that I should soothe the emotion myself before I place the blame on someone else. All in all, each situation—through the lens of remaining inward—is forcing me to radically accept that the temptation of drama is only there to pull me away from what I should really be doing for myself. And I could only get to that space of feeling motivated to go inward by understanding how much better it feels in the long run. Since life is filled with external drama and our egos love creating it in our minds, we will be constantly tempted to go back to our old ways, which is why it’s imperative to really sit with how much better it feels to remain inward and honor that process.
Lastly, the degree to which we can go inward is dependent on how freely we allow ourselves to feel what’s there. The more we resist the sensations that are showing up when we choose to go inward, the more we will be likely to keep entertaining drama to avoid them. So, to combat this human tendency, you need to remind yourself that you have the strength to feel anything that rises in your body. And because of this, you have the ability to overcome the pain. That thought alone should motivate you to take that leap and heal. And the more you take this leap, the more you will feel able to keep doing it when you crave drama, getting better at losing the need for it in the first place.
